The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Hi, I'm 27 years old, and my question is that I've been involved with a man for almost three years. He's married and he keeps telling me he's getting divorced right now. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to live anymore. And I came to finish talking.

Okay, what I want you to do now is to listen to this movie drop and see if it doesn't resonate with that caller's problem.

Randy, remember that last weekend we had, you remember what we talked about? We talked about a lot of things. I mean, about my getting a divorce, we didn't talk about it. Jeff, you did. You didn't really believe me, did you?

They got it on a long-playing record now: music to string her along by, my wife doesn't understand me. We haven't gotten along for years. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. That's enough, friend. Just trust me, baby, we'll work it out somehow.

So, if you're 27 years old, and you've spent since you've been 24 years old, actually 24 years old, you've been with a married man, and you feel like you're losing your mind and you don't want to live anymore. You can't even speak on the phone, then this is when you need your mind most. This is when you want to think very clearly, not let the rejection or not let the sense of futility pull you down and make you give up on yourself, or make you give up on your life. This is when you want your mind.

So here's the question: Does he love you, this married man, does he love you, or are you being used? Or is it a combination of the two? And is he worthy of your love? Why would you stay with him for three years now? Sometimes it's hard to cut loose because you've invested so much time, it's hard to say, "Well, I'm just giving up." You have a three-year investment here, and maybe tomorrow he'll break up with his wife, but he's already told you a lot about himself. You've had three years to study this man. He has trained his mind to lie to his wife. So why is he not capable of lying to you and stringing you along? He's been able to keep two separate worlds alive, and he is... he's a liar. He's not a value in that sense. So even if there are good qualities of him, the big picture is not good.

The other question is, do you want to move on with your life? This is not progressing. So you want to be able to liberate yourself from him so you can date other people, and you want to also explore, maybe with a therapist, the question: Why did I become involved with a married man? Because that does set you up for a lot of trauma. So I hope that helps.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Being a cheapskate is unromantic because it implies that saving every last cent is more important than your partner's enjoyment. Then again, showing off your wealth is unromantic because it reveals insecurity. Being generous simply means doing a bit more than is necessary or expected. If your partner admires an affordable art book or a nice piece of jewelry but doesn't buy it, consider it for a birthday, anniversary, or holiday gift. Giving small, thoughtful gifts at unexpected times is another way to show your love. Don't give thoughtless, impersonal gifts. They're almost worse than no gift at all.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.