The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Now, kids are absolutely wonderful. Don't you love the giggle of kids? If they're your own children, it just puts such a smile on your face just to hear them smiling like that. Well, here's a question from a dad who seemingly loves his daughter and is close with her. See what you think.

Dear Dr. Kenner, I've been living with my boyfriend Mike for two years now. His daughter, Missy, is 11 and a half years old, and he continues to go to bed with her until she falls asleep. He's an early riser, and he is tired by the time she goes to bed at 9 PM, so he basically goes to sleep with her. He comes into our bed whenever he wakes up in the night. I am very upset about this, and I have voiced my concerns to him, to no avail. I think it's completely wrong and abnormal. He is not giving her much room for independence.

Diane, you know, the big thing that comes to mind when you think of a dad in bed with his 11-year-old daughter is the need for appropriate boundaries. But if you have no other concerns from Missy, I am going to assume that he is a loving dad.

They would cuddle in bed with us and let us talk right before we went to sleep. It was a wonderful time. It gave us a restful sleep.

But what about at 11 and a half years old? Even if the dad doesn't have inappropriate desires, could it be that Missy is going to start developing feelings because she's going through puberty? So the question is, how do you reach your boyfriend, Mike? You said that you get very upset. You voice your concerns, to no avail. Why are you not getting through to him?

Well, let's look at two different approaches to addressing this issue with Mike. I think this is a communication problem more than a dad in bed with his daughter problem.

Imagine being Mike and see what goes through your mind.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com.

We're trying to figure out why he's not open to hearing your concerns and complaints. So imagine being Mike and see what goes through your mind.

If I come up to you, Mike, and I say, “Mike, this is completely inappropriate. Missy has got to grow up. You're damaging your daughter. You're destroying Missy's independence. Dads don't sleep in their pre-teen daughters' beds. Do I have to get that through your head?”

What if she has feelings towards you? It's just creepy. It’s totally embarrassing for me. You choose her over me.

Okay, if you're Mike now, how do you feel?

Are you thinking, “Oh, yes, I see that Diane is making some salient points here. She's right for unleashing her anger at me. I will change starting tonight. Oh yes. And I want to thank her for her insightful input.” I don't think so. If you're like most people, you'll be thinking, “Oh, here she goes again. Who wants to get into bed with that hothead? Diane is so critical.”

Notice here how you state the problem really matters. So overstating the issue and stating it with character attacks, Diane, backfires.

So you need another approach. You can come up to him at a time when he seems like he's ready to listen. Find a good time and say, “Is this a good time for you?” And if he says yes, you say, “Honey, I know you love Missy, and she's enjoyed the closeness with you. I've mentioned this before, and I think I've been unfairly critical of you. Believe me, you will have this air at that moment. I hope that you'll consider coming to bed with me at night. I miss the closeness. I miss our opportunities to hug and cuddle together or to talk as you drift off to sleep. You go to bed so early, you wake up so early that I miss those moments with you.”

Now that's appealing to something nice. You want time with him. You're not accusing him of anything inappropriate. Then you want to shift the focus. You could say to Mike, “I wonder if you've asked yourself what the benefit to Missy might be if you're continuing to sleep with her, and what the drawbacks might be? Just to give it some serious thought. You love Missy so much that I think she deserves your most thorough thinking on this. You want to think long-range. Is this good for Missy or not that I cuddle in bed with her?”

And then you may throw out some possibilities. Diane, you can tell Mike, “You know, you may tell yourself it does no harm; it's nurturing. She's my baby, and will always be my baby. You may feel protective of her. You may feel some guilt. I'm working most of the day, and I want to spend whatever time I have with my daughter.”

It may even reflect our relationship. Mike, I don't want to get into bed with Diane. She's so critical of me, or she expects me to perform, and I'm too tired. So Mike, you might know, you may just want to give it some more thought. Touch base with me. You know, I'd appreciate continuing to talk about this after you've given it some thought.

Now, my guess is you will reach him. The communication wires will not be cut when you approach a partner like this.

So you want to also ask yourself, what's your romantic life been like with Mike over the past few years? Is it progressing, stagnating, hovering, or going down the tubes? And what do you love about Mike? Part of it may be his good relationship with his daughter, and you want more of that for yourself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke.

It's important to tell your partner that you love them and express why. This keeps the relationship from going stale. There is no limit to the number of times or ways you can say “I love you,” provided you genuinely feel it and routinely back it up with actions consistent with your feelings of love.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.