The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Now, what would you do if you were married to a guy who told you, I don't want you ever to see your kids or your grandkids. You're going to cut off all ties to them. Do you hear me? End of story. Now that's what the following after-hours caller is struggling with.

Yes, Dr. Kenner, I was asking the question about, I am married, but my husband doesn't want me to have anything to do with my kids or my grandkids, and it’s causing a big problem in our home.

Could you give me some advice on how to handle this? Thank you.

Okay, on the face of it, it sounds absolutely horrendous, and of course, my gut response would be to say you've got to leave the guy. Nobody can tell you you can't be with your kids. Nobody can tell you you can't see your grandkids. It makes absolutely no sense. Your kids are one of your top, top values in your life, assuming you've got good relations with them. And your grandkids, oh my gosh, you can get to enjoy them in a way that you couldn't enjoy your kids because you were too anxious at the time. So you want to be able to be the grandmother pushing the little ones on the swings. You want to be the one that they go to and say, "Grandma, can you help me with this project for school?" or "I want to bake cookies with you again." You don’t want to lose those moments.

So what's going on in your marriage that your husband would say this? And I'm assuming that this is a second marriage because you're saying "my kids," not "our kids." So if this is a second marriage, let's assume that it's his problem. Maybe he has a pattern of cut-offs, emotional cut-offs in his family of origin—he’s cut off from his own kids, and so he doesn't want you to be connected with your kids because, oh, it raises the issue in his own mind, and he may be jealous. It's too painful to be around your kids because it reminds him of his own, and what he may be missing, and there are grief issues there. Well, he's got to deal with that; that's not fair to you at all. Or maybe he's just terribly insecure, or an abusive husband who just needs to control you, who needs to cut off your ties from others, in which case you need to leave him. Maybe he's emotionally and physically abusive, and he doesn't want you to talk with your kids because you’ll tell them about your relationship with him, and guess what? They may tell you to divorce him. "He screams at you, Mom; he swears at you, he calls you names. Dad never did that." So he may be the entire problem. He also may get very jealous, because when he looks at your kids, they remind you and him of your ex. And maybe you had a decent relationship with your ex—you just grew in different directions. So it may be his problem.

On the other hand—

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So it may be his problem. On the other hand, things are not always so crisp and clear as they may appear on the surface. It may be partly your problem. Is it the case that you're a grandma who cannot say no to the kids, and your home becomes a daycare center, and the kids milk you for lots of money that he earns? They want handouts all the time. They don’t appreciate it—you've given them hundreds of dollars. Or your kids could be losers. They could be lazy, drug dealers, alcohol abusers, chronic complainers, very unpleasant to be around. So the goal is to sit down with him, draw him out: "Henry, help me understand you better. What bothers you most when I'm in contact with the kids?" Own your own piece of it. Figure out ways to repair it. Work with him and see if there’s a way to build some bridges.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Have you ever noticed how very young children can have powerful emotions? I was in Logan International Airport in Boston, in the very wee hours of the morning. It was 5:30 in the morning, and a mom had her must-have-been one-and-a-half- or two-year-old little daughter in a stroller. Now this toddler was beautiful. She had dark eyes, she had shoulder-length hair with cute little bangs, and I think what made her beautiful was, even though her looks were very cute, was that she was so animated. Here it is, 5:30 in the morning, and she's bright-eyed and all smiles, and she sees a dad walking his stroller over with his little infant, his little baby in it, towards her, and this little toddler takes her hand, she reaches out, and she goes, "Hi, baby, Hi, baby," and the baby is totally unfocused. The baby's asleep. So the toddler doesn't give up. She continues to pursue it. Her hands are totally outstretched, all the feet are kicking, and she's going, "Hi, baby, Hi, baby, Hi, baby." Now by this time, the baby was very close, right in front of her, but the baby did not see her. The baby wasn't fully asleep but, you know, just really sleepy. And so I watched this wonderful, bright-eyed child's expression change from this exuberant joy to frustration. "Hi, baby. Hi, baby," to hurt and anger. "Hi, baby." Now how many of us have tried to reach out to loved ones only to go through that same sequence? We go from eager anticipation, "Oh, I can't wait till the kids visit me during the holidays," to frustration, to feeling hurt, "I can't believe they didn’t even call," to getting angry, "After all I've done for them."

Now, if it hurts this child to feel unseen, unimportant, invisible, imagine how it feels when you're married to someone who ignores you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

One reason why partners should communicate constantly is that partners often assume their loved one is or should be a mind reader, and then become annoyed when their partner doesn't know what they're thinking or feeling. Also, conversation can be threatening. Partners sometimes believe that their loved ones won’t understand what they’re saying or that it will be ignored or rejected. Maybe they're afraid or embarrassed about disclosing what they want or how they feel. Giving in to fear and keeping silent will undermine their closeness and cause them to feel less visible and more distant from one another. Partners need encouragement before and during communication, and positive feedback afterwards.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.