The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Dr. Ed Locke discusses the importance of understanding one's romantic partner, emphasizing that true love involves valuing the other person because they are significant to your life. He contrasts this with narcissistic love, which prioritizes personal needs. Locke outlines key aspects of understanding a partner, including their values, hobbies, preferences for vacations, restaurants, and gifts. He stresses the importance of open communication, avoiding mind reading, and being attuned to each other's moods and sensitivities. He also highlights the necessity of joint decision-making in a relationship to avoid one partner dominating the other, advocating for mutual respect and compromise.

Action Items

Understand your partner's values, hobbies, and interests.
Discuss and compromise on vacation preferences and other lifestyle choices.
Be aware of your partner's sensitive areas and adjust your behavior accordingly.
Communicate openly about your partner's preferred ways of receiving support.
Outline

Understanding Romantic Relationships

Speaker 1 introduces Dr. Ed Locke, highlighting his expertise in business, stress management, and setting goals for happiness.

Dr. Locke is invited to discuss understanding romantic partners, emphasizing the desire to be understood in relationships.

Speaker 1 mentions common issues in relationships, such as being misunderstood or cast in negative roles by family members.

Dr. Locke outlines three views of love: sacrifice, narcissism, and egoistic love, endorsing the latter as the most appropriate.

Defining Egoistic Love

Dr. Locke explains egoistic love as valuing another person because they are important to your life.

He contrasts this with narcissistic love, which prioritizes personal needs and insecurities.

Dr. Locke emphasizes the importance of understanding a partner's values and what is important to them in life.

Speaker 1 seeks clarification on what values mean, questioning if they are limited to Judeo-Christian beliefs.

Values and Interests in Relationships

Dr. Locke elaborates on values, including hobbies, interests, and preferences for art, movies, vacations, and restaurants.

He provides examples of various interests, such as dance, golf, hiking, and different types of movies and vacations.

Dr. Locke stresses the importance of understanding a partner's basic philosophy and everyday value choices.

He discusses the significance of knowing a partner's preferences for decorations, romantic evenings, and surprises.

Balancing Personal Preferences in Relationships

Speaker 1 presents a hypothetical scenario where a husband wants to go to the Caribbean, but his wife prefers museums.

Dr. Locke interrupts to mention a break, leading to an ad about the book "The Selfish Path to Romance."

Upon returning, Dr. Locke reiterates the importance of compromise in relationships, suggesting a combination of interests.

He emphasizes that decisions should be made jointly and not unilaterally, as in a dictatorship.

Communication and Understanding in Relationships

Dr. Locke discusses the importance of not making unilateral decisions, such as buying furniture without consulting the partner.

He criticizes the idea of one partner sacrificing for the other, as it is not a true expression of love.

Speaker 1 and Dr. Locke agree that a relationship should be a partnership, not a dictatorship.

Dr. Locke highlights the need to understand a partner's psychology, including their moods and sensitive areas.

Navigating Sensitive Areas in Relationships

Dr. Locke explains the importance of being attuned to a partner's moods and understanding their reactions to certain actions.

He provides an example of a man's bad mood affecting his wife's perception of rejection.

Dr. Locke emphasizes the need for open communication to avoid misunderstandings.

He advises men to communicate their bad moods to their partners to avoid being misunderstood.

Avoiding Mind Reading in Relationships

Speaker 1 mentions the common mistake of mind reading in relationships, assuming a partner's needs without asking.

Dr. Locke stresses the importance of clear communication and understanding what a partner wants after asking.

He explains that initial communication is crucial to avoid misunderstandings and ensure mutual understanding.

Dr. Locke highlights the importance of knowing if a partner wants understanding, sympathy, advice, or quiet time.

Valuing and Understanding Each Other

Speaker 1 summarizes the discussion, emphasizing the importance of valuing and understanding a partner's values.

He notes that understanding a partner's values, even if they differ from yours, leads to a better romantic relationship.

Dr. Locke reiterates the importance of mutual understanding and valuing each other's interests and preferences.

Speaker 1 thanks Dr. Locke for his insights and mentions their co-authored book on romance.

Advertisement for "The Selfish Path to Romance"

Speaker 4 introduces an ad for the book "The Selfish Path to Romance," highlighting its guidebook nature.

The ad encourages readers to download chapter one for free and buy the book on Amazon.

Speaker 1 reads an excerpt from the book, listing aspects of a romantic partner to understand, such as ideal romantic evenings and vacations.

The ad emphasizes the importance of knowing a partner's preferences and psychology to enhance the relationship.

Keywords: romantic understanding, egoistic love, partner values, hobbies interests, communication channels, joint decisions, sensitive areas, mood awareness, romantic evenings, vacation preferences, small gifts, psychology understanding, mind reading, mutual values, relationship dynamics.

Ed, The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com. It’s my pleasure to introduce Dr. Ed Locke. Dr. Locke is an internationally known business scholar. He’s written several books. He’s given talks on stress management and setting goals for your life and happiness, such as friendship. How do you set goals in friendship and hobbies and really love your life? Today, we’re going to talk about understanding your partner, your romantic partner. Welcome aboard, Dr. Locke.

Dr. Locke: Thank you, glad to be here.

Speaker 1: When people get into a romantic relationship, what they usually want most of all is to be understood. They might have come from families where mom never understood them, or dad never understood them, or their siblings always misperceived them and cast them in rotten roles. The last thing they want from a partner is to be cast in the role of the nag or the abandoning person. What can partners do to understand each other better?

Dr. Locke: Let me introduce this by mentioning three views of love and lead in from mine. One view is that love is basically sacrifice, which is giving up values. I totally disagree with that. The second view is love as narcissism, grabbing what you want to feed your insecurities. I also totally disagree with that. The third is egoistic love, which is passionately valuing another person because they’re important to your life. I endorse the third view—egoistic love—because the person is important to you, something the narcissist is incapable of because they can't view others as important. If someone’s important to you, the first thing you want to do to make the relationship work is to understand the person, especially that person’s values. Find out, what do you mean by values?

Speaker 1: Because most people think of values as Judeo-Christian.

Dr. Locke: I don’t mean just their conscious philosophy, but what’s important to them in life. For example, what hobbies do they love?

Speaker 1: For me, it would be dance. I’d want my partner to know I love dance.

Dr. Locke: Exactly, dance, golf, hiking, music, painting, fixing things around the house. What type of art do they like? Movies? Plays? Television? What kind of movies? Does the guy like action movies? Does the woman like romantic comedies, or none of the above? What kind of vacations do they prefer? Resort vacations? Or museum trips? Do they enjoy restaurants? Indoors or outdoors? Italian or French?

This is different from Judeo-Christian values. These are the goodies in life, the things that make life special—hobbies, interests.

Speaker 1: Sure, you mean, knowing what they treasure in life.

Dr. Locke: Exactly. You need to understand their basic philosophy, of course, but everyday life is full of value choices. You need to know what kind of surprises they like—whether they prefer planning trips together or being surprised by a spontaneous plan.

Speaker 1: So if a husband wants to go to the Caribbean, but his wife prefers something more stimulating, like a trip to a museum in Paris, how do you navigate that?

Dr. Locke: That’s a situation where compromise is necessary. It's not a dictatorship. You can plan trips that combine both preferences. Go to Paris for a week, then finish in the Caribbean. Decision-making must be joint, never unilateral.

Speaker 1: Right, and the same applies to other choices, like buying furniture.

Dr. Locke: Absolutely. If he loves her, her values are important to him, and vice versa. Both partners should respect each other's preferences and come to joint decisions.

Speaker 1: Thank you, Dr. Locke, for these insights. Please listen to this ad. Here’s an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance."