The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Dr. Barry McCarthy, a certified marital and sex therapist, discusses the unrealistic expectations couples often have about sex, influenced by media portrayals. He emphasizes that only 5-15% of sexual encounters are dissatisfying among healthy couples, and that focusing on performance rather than pleasure can hinder intimacy. McCarthy advises couples to develop a unique, comfortable sexual style and to avoid viewing sex as a test of adequacy. He also highlights the importance of starting a healthy sexual relationship correctly, suggesting his book "Rekindling Desire" and "Getting it Right the First Time" as resources.

Action Items:

Recommend the book "Rekindling Desire" by Dr. Barry McCarthy and his wife Emily to couples looking to improve their sexual relationship.
Suggest the book "Getting it Right the First Time" by Dr. Barry McCarthy as a helpful resource for couples starting a new relationship.
Outline

Understanding Sexual Expectations and Realities
Speaker 1 introduces the topic of romance and mentions a book available for download.
Speaker 5 expresses frequent thoughts about sex, highlighting the pervasive nature of these thoughts.
Speaker 1 discusses the common pain couples experience due to unmet sexual expectations and the pressure to perform.
Speaker 1 introduces Dr. Barry McCarthy, a certified marital and sex therapist, to discuss realistic expectations for a healthy sexual life.
Reality vs. Movie Portrayals of Sex

Speaker 2 advises couples to view movies as fiction, as they often portray unrealistic sexual performances.
Speaker 2 explains that most couples do not simultaneously orgasm and that it is normal for sexual interactions to be dissatisfying or dysfunctional.
Speaker 2 emphasizes that 5-15% of sexual encounters are dissatisfying, which is a normal expectation among healthy married couples.
Speaker 1 and Speaker 2 discuss how couples often feel inadequate due to unrealistic expectations set by media portrayals.
Unrealistic Sexual Myths and Performance Pressure

Speaker 2 debunks the myth that three out of four men feel their penis is smaller than average, highlighting its absurdity.
Speaker 2 criticizes the cultural pressure on women to meet unrealistic standards set by magazines and media.
Speaker 2 stresses that sex is about sharing pleasure, not performing, and that focusing on performance can distract from the pleasure itself.
Speaker 1 and Speaker 2 discuss how performance-focused thinking can lead to distraction and diminished pleasure during sex.
Developing a Unique Couple Sexual Style

Speaker 2 advises couples to develop their own unique sexual style that is comfortable and mutually enjoyable.
Speaker 2 explains that too much intimacy can de-eroticize a partner, leading to sexual problems in relationships.
Speaker 1 and Speaker 2 discuss the common issue of one partner wanting sex more frequently than the other and the impact of pressure on sexual satisfaction.
Speaker 2 emphasizes that sex should not be a power struggle and that pressure can lead to avoidance and further sexual issues.
Promoting Healthy Sexual Relationships

Speaker 1 mentions Dr. Barry McCarthy's books, including "Rekindling Desire" and "Getting it Right the First Time," as resources for couples.
Speaker 2 suggests that couples can find his books in bookstores or online at Amazon or Barnes & Noble.
Speaker 2 highlights the importance of starting a healthy sexual relationship correctly, especially in the first two years of marriage.
Speaker 1 and Speaker 2 discuss the benefits of giving Dr. McCarthy's books as wedding gifts to help couples develop a healthy sexual relationship.
Final Thoughts and Recommendations

Speaker 1 thanks Dr. Barry McCarthy for joining the show and providing valuable insights on sexual health and relationships.
Speaker 5 encourages listeners to visit Dr. Kenner's website for more information.
Speaker 4 shares an excerpt from the book "The Selfish Path to Romance," emphasizing the importance of a positive relationship trajectory.
Speaker 4 explains that relationships should either become more positive or stay the same, with a downward trajectory being a red flag.
Keywords: sexual expectations, marital therapy, realistic goals, sexual satisfaction, performance pressure, couple intimacy, sexual dissatisfaction, sexual performance, sexual pleasure, unique sexual style, sexual communication, sexual frequency, sexual health, sexual relationships, sexual advice.

The Selfish Path to Romance.
Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and at amazon.com.
What am I going to do?
I think about sex all the time. Sex help. Four times five is 35, five times six is 32, naked girls, naked women. Oh, stop me, God Xander, is that all you think about?

You know, as a therapist, I see the pain that so many couples go through because they feel like they’re failures at sex. I mean, they may joke about it and pretend that things are going well in their life sexually, and that, if only there were a bed right there, they would jump into it, but privately, the husband and the wife or the partners just feel like it’s falling apart for them. How do you set realistic expectations for what a healthy sexual life is like? With me to discuss this is Dr. Barry McCarthy, who is a certified marital and sex therapist, and with his wife, Emily, he’s co-authored eight books on relationships and sexuality, including Rekindling Desire. Dr. McCarthy, welcome to the show.

Dr. Barry McCarthy:
I’m very glad to be here and looking forward to talking with you.

Dr. Kenner:
Yeah, it’s so great to have you on again. Think of a couple, a typical couple, let’s say Annie and Frank. They are... they feel like there are failures and they can joke about sex, but in their private lives, they feel like they only have good sex on occasion, and they don’t mutually orgasm. And sometimes their encounters are total duds, and they decide to go to a sex therapist, such as yourself, to figure out how they can reach orgasm together, like they see in the movies, so they can have a dynamite sex life, the one they always dreamed about. What advice would you give them?

Dr. Barry McCarthy:
Well, the first thing I would say to them is that you should enjoy the movies as fiction. It has nothing to do with you or any other real-life couples. Movies are never about marital sex. It’s always about premarital affairs or extramarital affairs, and the sexual performance is always totally perfect in the movies. The reality is, if you all have movie-quality sex once a month, you’re doing much, much better than most people. The reality of most couples’ sexual relationships is that they don’t simultaneously orgasm, and when they do, they find it often more of a disappointment than a big turnout, that in about 50% of most couples’ sexual interactions, it really is enjoyable in terms of desire, arousal, and orgasm for both of them. Remember, that’s only 50%. Very much more commonly one person, and usually the man, will like it, enjoy it more than the other. And some of the time it’ll be kind of an okay, but not great experience. But the most important thing for couples to hear and understand is that among normal, healthy married couples, 5-15% of their sexual encounters are dissatisfying or dysfunctional, and they shouldn’t put themselves down or feel like failures at all, that that’s a normal expectation.

Dr. Kenner:
So it shouldn’t ruin the day for them, and they shouldn’t walk around thinking that, oh my gosh, I’m not woman enough for Frank. You know, I don’t have these wild and crazy orgasms. Or Frank might be thinking this was such a bad experience because I lost my erection. And, you know, Annie is probably going to look at that hunk of a guy that she works with a little more longingly, and they make it into almost a self-esteem issue. Can you tell me a little...?

Dr. Barry McCarthy:
Rather than seeing sexuality as something which is a positive part of your life, which bonds you as a couple, which energizes your relationship, sex becomes this big pass/fail test, and you’re always feeling you’re not good enough. My favorite of all the unrealistic myths in our culture is...

Dr. Kenner:
I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.
Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Dr. Barry McCarthy:
My favorite of all the unrealistic myths in our culture is that three out of four men feel that their penis is smaller than average. Doesn’t make any sense. It can’t be possible. It’s funny, but they do.

Dr. Kenner:
Or women who say I’ve got to be like in the magazine, or I’ve got to be like males, I’ve got to have an orgasm every time we have sex, and if we don’t, there’s something wrong with me, or I’ve got to be multi-orgasmic. I have to have G-spot orgasms, or I have to have two-hour orgasms. All of those things emphasize sexual performance. And the truth about sex is that sex is essentially sharing pleasure. It’s not about performing.

Dr. Kenner:
So if they’re making love with one another, and they’re thinking, how am I doing now? I wonder what this looks like, and is my hair pretty enough? Or does she like my cologne? Am I too hairy? Do I smell under the armpits? Then what does that do to their pleasure?

Dr. Barry McCarthy:
Well, what it does is it really distracts. Sex is not a spectator sport. Sexuality is about sharing comfort, sharing pleasure, sharing arousal, sharing orgasm. And it isn’t like the Olympics, where at the end you then get a score. A major sexual turn-off is where the man turns to the woman and says, how good was it for you? Did you have an orgasm? Or the woman says, you know, am I as good as that woman in the movie or in the TV program? Isn’t that fascinating? It’s a real... it’s a shame it really takes away from the pleasure.

Dr. Kenner:
So it focuses it on performance rather than pleasure if you’re looking to grade your sexual escapade with one another.

Dr. Barry McCarthy:
And I think also, one of the things that I tell couples is to develop your own unique couple sexual style. What people used to believe is that a sexual style had to be the most intimate, the most erotic possible. And then, in fact, again, people wind up feeling inadequate and intimidated. What the name of the game with couples is to find a comfortable, mutually comfortable level of intimacy that allows you to feel connected and attached with each other, but also allows you to still look at your spouse in an erotic way. So often, these soulmate marriages, which people are writing and talking about so much, wind up having major sexual problems because there’s too much intimacy, you’re not really able to talk and to initiate. Or you wind up de-eroticizing your spouse, which is, again, a real poison.

Dr. Kenner:
Right, you had mentioned that, and I’m all for soulmate relationships, so we may have different definitions there, but you talked about, typically, the husband, you know, wanting sex more frequently than the woman. I know there are many cases where that’s reversed, but it’s more normal for that to be the case, and that if the husband pressures the wife too much, it actually has the effect of de-eroticizing her.

Dr. Barry McCarthy:
Absolutely, and she feels, instead of it being something that joins them, she feels pressured or coerced and feels that it becomes a power struggle. When sex becomes a power struggle, it’s one of the things that really poisons a healthy sex life.

Dr. Kenner:
And then the wife will avoid it, or the husband will avoid it, and then you get into the avoidance strategy, and then they need a sex therapist, or they need to read one of your books. Dr. Barry McCarthy, with his wife Emily, has written Rekindling Desire for those of you listening who may want the book. In terms of how to get one of your books, how would people go about finding out more about you or all of the books that you’ve written?

Dr. Barry McCarthy:
Well, I suggest going either to the bookstore or to amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com. Our books are listed there. The most relevant is the Rekindling Desire book. And the other one, I think that’s really quite relevant, is the prevention book called Getting it Right the First Time, which talks about developing a healthy sexual relationship in the first two years of marriage. Actually, one of the things that’s been interesting is that I often wind up autographing those books to couples who are about to get married in terms of thinking about starting it off correctly.

Dr. Kenner:
What a lovely gift, what a lovely wedding gift.

Dr. Barry McCarthy:
Well, thank you so much for joining us today.

Dr. Kenner:
Dr. Barry McCarthy, okay, I enjoyed it.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

"As your relationship develops, notice whether it becomes more positive, more negative, or stays the same. With a great partner, love gradually grows in depth and intensity, and there will be no contradictory evidence showing that it’s not a good match. Your love trajectory, the course your relationship takes, should move in a positive direction. But if, in contrast, the trajectory moves downward, it means you and your partner are discovering more and more things that you don’t like about one another. Such relationships are doomed, barring some major turnaround. If the trajectory stays flat, this is also a red flag. Usually this happens because there is no real passion, and partners are staying together out of inertia or convenience."

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.