The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at amazon.com.
Lynelle, welcome to the show.

Hi, hi.

Tell me what your question is.

Well, my question is, how can you tell if a guy still likes you? Because I think this guy that I used to date still likes me, but I can never tell.

Okay, how old are you?

Ballpark? What ballpark?

I'm in the teens.

Okay, you're a teenager. And is this one of your first loves, one of your first relationships?

Actually, it was my second boyfriend.

Your second boyfriend. The first question I have is, are you still interested in him?

Yes, I am very much.

Okay, what do you love about him?

Oh, I love his personality. He can make me laugh, and when he smiles, he just makes me feel really good inside.

Okay, what does he see in you? How do you feel about yourself when you're with him?

Oh, when I'm with him, I just, I feel like I'm lighter than air. And he just, he makes me feel really good when I'm around him.

Okay, do you feel competent? Do you feel worthy? Do you feel like you could take on new challenges in life?

Yes, I do.

Okay, what broke up the relationship then?

Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm not entirely sure. He just broke up with me out of the blue one day, and he didn't really give me a reason—he didn’t really give me an explanation.

Okay, and what conclusion did you draw?

I just thought that maybe he was into someone else.

Okay, that's exactly what came into my mind. If you're in your teens, that happens all the time. So he's into someone else. Are you in the same circles? Do you go to school with him?

Oh, yes, I do.

Is he in your class?

Yes, he's in one of my classes.

Do you have any clues as to who someone else might be if that's the case?

Well, actually, he's dating another girl, but he told me that he hadn't had anyone lined up right after me. That's what he told me.

Okay, okay, that's what we all say. Not all of us, but most of us, because we don't want to hurt the person's feelings, right?

Yeah.

Do you think that's a possibility, that his eye was roving and he saw other women that he would be interested in dating, or a special woman, and that he didn’t want to hurt your feelings because he thinks you're a really nice person?

I guess that would be it.

Okay. Any other things that come to your mind that I haven't addressed?

No, not really.

Okay. When he broke things off, one of the worst things you can do when you break up a relationship is to not give your partner any understanding as to what's going on. He put you in that situation, which, you know, it sounds like it’s an error. He hasn't had a lot of experience dating. He’s not calling up in his 40s—you’re not calling up saying that you’re in your 40s and dating with a lot of experience behind you. Did you beat up on yourself? Did you start to blame yourself, thinking maybe something's wrong with you?

Yes, I did. I started to ask myself questions, and I started to say, well, maybe if I would have done this, maybe if I would have done that… stuff like that.

Was there anything that you think is legitimate? Like maybe you were ignoring him? Or maybe—maybe you—? The illegitimate things, the things that I wouldn’t do, is if he said that he wanted to go to bed with you—I had a boyfriend when I was younger who liked me very much, but I wouldn’t sleep with him. And so he went around to find girls he could sleep with, and I’m real proud of that to this day—that I just didn’t give in and feel like I had to sleep with him. Is that the case with you at all?

No, actually, I didn’t think that was it. I mean, he’s not like that. And I would never give myself in either.

Oh, good, good for you. Okay, now you said you think he's flirting with you. Give me—what clues have you seen that he’s flirting with you? What's he doing?

Well, he teases me a lot. He says stuff—he teases me a lot, and we talk on the phone all the time, and stuff like that.

Okay, so you don’t know whether he wants to get back together with you or not?

I’m not sure.

Do you want to get back together with him?

Yes, I do. Very much.

Okay, here’s what I would do for yourself.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance… oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance. A serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is. That’s interesting. Here’s what I would do for yourself.

I would have a backup plan. You can definitely explore the relationship—see if it grows back together again with him, if he’s a decent guy. But I wouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket because he’s not giving you any assurance. So I would still keep your eyes out and, you know, attend dances or different events and meet other men because you’re still so young that you don’t want to end up marrying the first guy you meet. You want to get some experience under your belt, even if you do eventually end up with him. Thank you so much, Lynelle, for your call, and give me a call back and let me know how things go.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this. Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

We’ve made many suggestions about finding the right partner. This doesn’t mean you should make a checklist of important attributes and then rate everyone you date by it and choose the one with the highest score. This is far too mechanical. It’s best to spend time getting to know the person and to keep track of both your own rational judgment of and your emotional responses to that person. Identify what you like and do not like about the person and why. Introspect to identify the causes of your reactions. It sometimes helps to put your private thoughts into words, and keeping a personal journal is helpful in translating feelings into clear thoughts and tracking your love trajectory over time.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.