The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com

And here's the email from a woman who is in love with two men. And you may have been in that situation where you've been in love with two different individuals, and you don't know what to do. You can't be in love with two people. I mean, you can be in love with them, but you can't live with them and share a day-to-day life with two different individuals. Many people try that, but they have to do double bookkeeping in their mind; it's very difficult.

Hi, Dr. Kenner, I've fallen in love with two men. I'm married to one of them, my husband, John. I've been under a lot of stress with John for the past two years. He's had nine brain surgeries. John cheated on me just prior to his brain surgeries, and we never had a chance to work on our marriage prior to his illness. A close guy friend, Morris, has supported me through thick and thin. Both of us were angry with the way John treated me when he cheated. Now, Morris helps me take care of my husband. He also helps me take care of my handicapped brother and my mother, who had a stroke. Now, that's a tough life to have three people that you have to be a caretaker to. I am a good girl, and I don't fool around with Morris, but I'm deeply in love with him. Morris says he will wait forever. He tells me that I'm down-to-earth and loving. He's not interested in anyone else. Although he lives with my girlfriend in a financial arrangement, they're not in love. I have had to lie to her because I don't want her to know how connected Morris and I have become. Morris tells me that many women have hurt him, and I don't want to hurt him. If my husband passes on, I will marry Morris. I feel sorry for my husband, John. I don't want to hurt him either. I can't hurt anybody. I help a lot of people, and always have. I am torn and very anxious. I can't stop loving John and Morris, and I don't want to hurt them. I'm also very insecure when either man talks to another woman; I feel they may cheat on me. Please advise.

Julia, you're not happy with your life right now. I mean, you've got these two men in your life, but it sounds like you're really angry with your husband, that you're trapped. You met another guy, and he's giving you the visibility that you want. You feel valued and cared for and important. He's not going out and cheating on you, and you're also feeling insecure from the affair. I mean, John did have an affair. You guys never had a chance to be able to talk about that, and now it feels like you're having a semi-affair; even if it's not a sexual affair, it's definitely an emotional affair. And my guess is part of you feels justified, and part of you feels guilty. That's why you're hiding it from your friend. So I think you need to be truthful with yourself, to really sit down and to look at what you're doing. You're holding in a lot of pain from being cheated on. There's a book, After the Affair: How to Rebuild Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. I wouldn't recommend that so much for rebuilding trust with John, since it sounds like he may not have the facilities to be able to do that if he's had all these brain surgeries and maybe going back in and his life is heading in that direction. If you really, truly value John and decide that he's the love of your life, and it was a one-night stand, he had not a long-term affair, and he can repair it, then you've got that book that's on my website, Drkenner.com, but right now, it sounds like he's very dependent on you.

Now, here's where I see your main problem.

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

Now here's where I see your main problem. You view yourself as a caretaker. That's what you see as a good person. You're taking care of your handicapped brother, your mom who had a stroke, and your husband, who's had nine brain surgeries, and you're furious with him. So you see that that's what's good, and you also don't want to hurt anybody. You've got these standing orders in your mind: I'm a person who cares for others. I don't want to hurt anybody. And it sounds very sweet, very nice on the surface, Julia, but you're hurting somebody. You're hurting yourself, and that's why you're anxious. That's why you're paranoid. You've got so many negative feelings. You've got the guilt, the jealousy, the anger, the anxiety, the insecurity, and you don't want to continue sitting on the fence. So I would challenge that policy. Instead of saying, "I don't want to hurt anyone," you don't want to say, "I want to hurt everyone," or "I don't give a damn about anyone." You want to be able to say, "I want to be fair to myself. I want to look at my values and my happiness long-range and see what makes the most sense for me." You also need to challenge the other thought: I'm a person who cares for others. If that's all you do with your life, I will guarantee you, you will be embittered if you have a life of your own, if you have hobbies or leisure activities that you enjoy, a career that you might enjoy, although it sounds like you're doing caretaking full-time. If you have other interests in your life, then you're going to feel more fulfilled and happier, and you won't feel as insecure.

So here's what I recommend doing: sit down, write down on paper what you're feeling. You can put this paper through a shredder later, so Morris and John don't find it. But look at the caretaker role and be able to challenge that and to be able to say that the number one person you want to be a caretaker to is yourself. You can still love the other people in your life, but maybe not be over-indulgent, or maybe look for some outside help for yourself, maybe from some agencies that can come in and help your brother or your mother or even John. And then it sounds like you need some clarity with John. You need to be able to talk with him and tell him how hurt and angry you were feeling, and just because he may be hurt that you're addressing this while he's got brain surgery, he's still accountable for his actions. So, assuming he hasn't just come out of the operating room, assuming that he's been home for a while and he's had time to recoup a little, you need to be able to vent a little and let him know how hurt and how upset you are. And if you read that book, After the Affair, it may help him if you share some parts of it with him, have some empathy for you.

With Morris, you really haven't lived with Morris full-time. You're in the dating stage. When I say dating, I'm not saying that you've slept with him, but you're definitely together all the time. You're considering marrying him. Be careful there. Look at him closely because you're so eager for any attention or affection or for self-nurturing, that Morris may be the ideal man, and he may not be. Just, you know, why have all these other women left him? Is he an alcoholic? Are there parts of his personality that haven't come out given the fact that you haven't been living under the same roof and you only know him in a dating context, and people put their best foot forward there.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

And here's a woman who's had two miscarriages. She said, "My name is Kayla, and I'm so unhappy. I've tried hard to be happy, but it feels like it's not meant to be. I've had two miscarriages over the past few months. I went to the doctor and had the blood work done, and tonight, they let me know that I had been a little over a month pregnant with twins. It took everything out of me. I won't be happy until I have a baby. Will I ever have a baby now?"

Kayla, the first thought that came to my mind is when I was trying to get pregnant. I knew that I was pregnant. I had the testing kit, and there were no surprises. So, a lot of questions came to my mind. Since you had no awareness of either of your pregnancies, were they planned? Were you trying to get pregnant? Are you in a situation where it even makes sense to start a family? Are you married? If so, is it a good relationship? Does your husband want a child? Are you both on the same page? Are you emotionally ready for a child? It doesn't sound like it if you're saying, "I won't be happy unless I have a baby." Are you financially secure, with a financial cushion for emergencies? People don't plan for that when they're having kids. If you have a good life otherwise, a good career, a job and friends, and a hobby, a loving relationship, and you're looking to have a baby, then that's fine. It's very sad, but having a baby isn't the only value in your life, and when you make it that, you're setting the standards for your own happiness, and they're set very inappropriately. You want to be able to say, "I can have a very fulfilling life with hobbies and friends and a loved one, and a baby is frosting on the cake. It isn't the end-all and be-all."

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Do you feel at home psychologically with your partner's personality, or is there constant friction or hurt? Do you feel relaxed inside, think on the same wavelength, or tense, at odds, alienated? Do you enjoy being around your partner, or do you feel relieved to be alone or prefer the company of others? Do your partner's habitual ways of acting make you happy, secure, and yet excited, or anxious, angry, and depressed? These questions, which can be answered by introspection, will help you identify if you have found your personality soulmate.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com.