The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

In the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

People talk. If you don't go to confession, or if you don't take your flower beds, or if you don't pretend that you want nothing more in your life than to serve your husband three meals a day and get him children and vacuum under his ass, then you must think I'm stupid to stay with him. Boy, I am. I'm weak. I don't love my husband, and I lie.

And today we'll be talking about healthy romantic love versus traditional romantic love, which isn't romantic. It's my pleasure to introduce Dr. Ed Locke. Dr. Locke is an internationally known business scholar. He's written several books. He's given talks on stress management and setting goals for your life and happiness, such as friendship. How do you set goals in friendship and hobbies and really loving your life? I'm glad to have you on the show, doctor.

Glad to be here. Tell me about what is traditionally seen as romantic love. You know, you hear people say, my dad's from the old country, and mom and dad have never been happy, and they live together, and, yeah, they call it love, but you know they haven't seen them hug in years.

Well, the traditional view, which is heavily influenced by religion, is that the essence of love is self-sacrifice. So to prove your love, the essence of that is giving up things you value. Here's an example of a case: a 39-year-old man has custody of his daughter from her Fauci marriage before she goes to Hawaii to school. He wants to go on a vacation with her just to bond with her. His current wife is infuriated because she feels insecure and doesn't want him going off. So her view, if he really loves her, he wants her to give up, basically trying to bond with his daughter.

Or let's take another example. Mr. X loves fishing. Occasionally, he'll go with the buddies on weekends. Mrs. X demands he give it up so he can spend more time doing yard work. If he really loved her, she says, he'll sacrifice what he really values for her. Or let's take the other side of the coin. Mrs. X plays bridge one night a week with her friends and loves it. Mr. X demands she give it up in order to watch TV with him. Or both demand that each sacrifice their values so that nobody gets what they want. So in this view, the essence of love is giving up values.

You know, it's just saying that. Dr. Locke, I'm thinking of the case where, you know, my husband's out all the time. If I let him just pursue his values, I'm low man on the totem pole. He would never be with me. He'd be out with the guys. He'd be fishing. He'd be on his motorcycle.

Well, this is a very good point, and let me hold that for a minute and come back to it. Okay. Now let me take what's considered the alternative to sacrifice, and typically, that's what we call in psychology narcissism. So let me give an example of, say, okay, you don't want to be self-sacrificial, then you're going to be selfish. And here's Bubba, the selfish husband. Bubba comes home late from work, half drunk, demands a hot meal, then goes. He demands more than that. Well, wait a minute. Then he goes to the TV set with a six-pack to watch his TV. If anyone tries to interrupt, he gets furious, still half drunk, he goes to bed and demands sex. He becomes infuriated when his wife, for no good reason, refuses. For no good reason, no good reason in quotes. Yeah. The next day, he visits his mistress and only spends half the family money, never shows a shred of genuine interest in his children or his wife or anything they do, think, or feel.

So here's what people say: either it's self-sacrifice or it's Bubba. Either give up values or you're a slob, a swine, a mindless no good like Bubba. Now, my view is this is a completely distorted and wrong view of what love is—not giving up values. Love is the most selfish of all emotions.

But you don't mean it in the narcissistic sense.

It means when you say you love somebody, if you really mean that, it means you value them. You care about them. They are important to you. They're an important part of your life. So the narcissist is no good as a lover because the narcissist is unable to value anyone. He's just a me-only, the world's my way. I don't care about anybody else, so insecure, so lacking any sense of self. He's desperate to get vibes and strokes from other people, and he uses people. He exploits people. He's envious of people. He's completely incapable of loving. So this kind of, even though he has sex every night, but with a different person, right? Because sex isn't to express his love; the sex is just gratification of his momentary desire.

So the narcissist isn't really selfish at all. The narcissist is selfless and desperate and is incapable of loving. And people who marry narcissists are always very unhappy. But the alternative is not for them, for the narcissist to give up what he values because the narcissist really doesn't have any values other than a desperate attention from other people.

So what does it mean to really value another person? It means that, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com—the selfish path to romance—that is interesting.

So what does it mean to really value another person? It means that their welfare, their self, their happiness is selfishly, personally important for you. As you're saying in your value hierarchy, they are important. And so back to your earlier question, if Mr. X wants to spend all his time fishing, watching TV, playing golf, going out drinking with the buddies, and his spouse is 17th on the list, what does that mean? It means he doesn't value her, whether he's either a narcissist or he has somebody else, you know, on the side that he values more. But if she's 17th on his list, then he doesn't value her. He doesn't love her. So we're on with that. Something's wrong with that relationship because if you love somebody, they're at the top.

So what would be your view? How would you sum that up in a minute?

A person who you love is somebody who you value, who is important to you. Therefore, you appreciate their values. You want them to do things they love. You want them to be happy. You enjoy giving selfishly. You enjoy giving them happiness and pleasure, and their welfare is right up there at the top of your list. So it's not sacrifice because if you really believed in sacrifice, then you should give up your wife for someone else because maybe they need her more than you do. But if you selfishly love her, you wouldn't give her up or vice versa for anyone. If you're a narcissist, you shouldn't be married at all because a narcissist is incapable of romantic love and should stay looking in the mirror, right?

Right. Loving really means you selfishly value that person. They're really important. It's an enhancement to your life.

So the three different views and quick summary, because we're just, we're at the end: sacrifice, love as exploitation, and love as genuine, deep, passionate valuing, selfish value, which enhances your life. It brings playfulness and pleasure to you, pleasure and happiness to your life, which you wouldn't have without them, right?

And I want to thank you so much for being with me today, Dr. Locke, and I want to invite you back again to talk more about love and maybe relationships in turn, or maybe even work issues or friendships. Enjoy having you on the show. Thank you very much.

And of course, Dr. Locke and I have written a book on romantic happiness for more.

For Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path of romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke. Here are two important personality traits valuable in romance: being open and being conscientious. Openness applies especially to emotional openness and the willingness to share one's deepest values and feelings with the other. If one partner refuses to do this out of fear or is unable to do this due to poor introspective skills, then the other partner necessarily feels cut off from the deepest layers of the closed partner's soul. This severely limits emotional intimacy and closeness and undermines visibility. However, openness does not mean your partnership acts as your therapist.

Another important trait is conscientiousness, for example, being responsible about one's money, work, promises, chosen obligations, and health.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.