The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Rick, welcome to the show.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. How are you?

Good. Good.

Tell me what's on your mind.

Well, me and my wife, we've been having problems, and more recently, she's an actress, and she does theater shows, and I've tried to be as supportive as I can, even though it does take a lot of her time away from the family. But more recently, it's come up to where, you know, I've been sick, and I've asked her, I said, "Well, after your show, can you please come home and, you know, help out." And she's kind of, you know, neglected to do that. And it's really brought back a lot of issues that we've had in the past with her kind of choosing her theater career over the family, which I understand. You know that she wants to excel in that, and I support her in that. But when it starts to interfere with our family life and my feelings for her, that's when there's a problem.

Okay, how long have you been married?

We've been married seven years.

Seven years. And how many kids?

Just one.

One child. How old?

Six years old.

Six years old. And was that a child you both chose you wanted, or was it kind of out of the blue?

Out of the blue.

Okay, what was her response towards that? Did she want the child? Did she want a family?

Initially, she was afraid, and in the past, she never indicated that she wanted a family. But when she became pregnant and told me about it, I told her that I would be there for her, I would help support the family, and everything would be fine. And with that, she agreed to take on the responsibility of having the child. So it was kind of a mutual decision, but at the same time, I could sense hesitation in her.

Okay. Has that ever come out in the open? Have you talked about it? Because what I'm sensing is that if she feels ambivalent about the family... you know, when we started a family, my husband and I waited five years. We got a sailboat instead of kids for the first five years. By the time we wanted kids, we really wanted kids, and we were both invested. It was a planned event. We were checking every month; we couldn't wait to have kids. If it came as a shock to her, if she was career-bound, she may feel like the rug was pulled out from under her, even if she values having a family. It was not her top priority.

Yeah, she definitely has said that, that she felt that it would hold her back from what she wanted to do. And I told her, you know, having a family doesn’t mean your life ends, you know. I mean, for me, my life barely began as soon as my daughter was born. Everything was moving in a much better direction, more direct, more focused. I really had a goal, and I was working toward providing for my family. For me, it made everything go in the right direction. But it seems that just the responsibility of a family for her is just... she doesn't want to accept the responsibility. It's almost like she can be very immature sometimes. And it's so frustrating for me because I don't know what to do. We haven't been to marriage counseling in quite a number of years; we did it about four years ago.

Okay, how did that work out?

Unfortunately, we went for a few sessions, and then we didn't have any money to continue, so we stopped. I definitely want to get back into marriage counseling, but I don't know where to go if I don't have a lot of money to pay for it.

Well, there are workbooks out on the market now where you can get a workbook and ask yourself some questions, work together, but it sounds like you don’t have the time. What about intimacy? What's going on there, as far as sexually, or... yeah, sexually and psychologically and just feeling close to each other, even if it’s not sex?

Well, sexually, it hasn’t been a problem. It’s been good, as far as it seems to me, to her. She always seems happy, and I always feel closer to her when we are having sex. We haven’t had any real dry spells or anything. Emotionally, though, our connection is kind of off and on. It’s really strange. She’s been gone almost this whole week, and it’s been very difficult for me because, you know, I work full-time, and then I come home, and I take care of my daughter, and take care of the house and everything. I noticed that when she’s gone for these long periods, a distance grows between us emotionally.

Okay. And how does that show up? Are you making sarcastic comments to each other? Are you withdrawing and just not talking to each other? Are you screaming at each other?

I have to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw... Here it is—the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Okay, and how does that show up? Are you making sarcastic comments to each other? Are you withdrawing and just not talking to each other? Are you screaming at each other?

It could be. It's a mix of, like, all of those. I mean, it tends to be, initially, it’s like a withdrawal. I start to get frustrated and angry. I can tell that I’m starting to get frustrated that she's gone so much. But I try to curb that as much as I can. Eventually, though, it just comes out that I’m frustrated. She's been gone so much, and so I start to make sarcastic comments.

Such as? Give me a sampler of your best zingers.

Oh boy, that’s kind of hard.

I’ll say things like, “Well, you know, it's not easy taking care of the family when you're just one parent,” things like that. Or when she comes home, I’ll say, “Hope you had a great time.” I’ll constantly bring up the fact that I’ve been working and taking care of the family while she's been out. The hardest thing for me to deal with is not just that she’s gone with her shows. The hardest thing for me is that after the shows, the theater people all go out. They go to restaurants and wherever else, and she's gone for additional hours per night. It's so frustrating for me.

Okay, is she interested in anyone else? Do you suspect?

I have a feeling, a definite possibility, that she is interested in someone else. I mean, she’s been spending a lot of time on the internet, on MySpace, and she's very flirtatious by nature. She’s been talking to people on the internet, and occasionally men will call her phone. I've caught her in a lie before. I came home and she wasn’t home. I called her on her cell phone, and I said, “Where are you?” And she says, “I’m at home,” and she wasn’t home. I told her to tell me where she was, and she says, “I went for a walk. I’m over on [a specific street].” I said, “Well, tell me where you are; I’ll come pick you up.” She wouldn’t tell me. Then finally, she called me back about 10 minutes later and told me where she was, and I went and picked her up. But I’m just getting to the point where I can’t trust her, and it’s just killing me.

Okay, so if that’s the core of it, that you just feel like she's moved away, and it’s not just that she's trying to juggle too much, and that she needs to reassess her values and prioritize, put the family in there, put your daughter in there—because I have a lot of empathy for your daughter if Mom’s not in the picture a lot—but if you think there’s a betrayal, or a betrayal about to happen, then you need to sit down with her. I would cut out the sarcasm because all that does is make her feel justified in acting on her warmer feelings towards someone else. If she’s complaining about being married and having kids to some guy who’s a good listener and a fellow actor, and she’s moving away from you, don’t use guilt with her. She’s earned the guilt, but let her... if you say something like, “Honey, let’s sit down and talk. We’re both so unhappy, and I know I make sarcastic comments, and I know you make them back, and it’s not good for either of us or our daughter. Let’s talk about where we’re going, and if we can rekindle the relationship. What are your thoughts on how to rekindle the relationship?” I'd work with that. I'd work productively with her on that, and I wish we had a lot more time to talk about this. You can call another time, and I’ll be glad to work with you more on this. I'd love to hear how things go. Thank you so much for calling, Rick.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Miss Annie, your first month’s salary doesn’t pay our debt for what you've done. I taught her one thing. No, don’t do this. Don’t do that. That’s more than all of us could do. No, I want to teach her what language is.

I know without it, to do nothing but obey is no gift. Obedience without understanding is blindness. The world is not an easy place for anyone. I don’t want her just to obey, but to let her have her way, and everything is alive to her.

And Miss Annie is Miss Annie Sullivan, the miracle worker, and they’re talking about Helen Keller. Think about your own life—what have you accepted as obedience? What have you accepted as an injunction? "Do this, don’t do that," without your own thinking. You don’t want to rob yourself of the ability to see through your own eyes, through your own mind, through your own thoughts. You don’t want to just go by what other people say. You want to be independent. That doesn’t mean you won’t like other people; it’s a false alternative to think that if you’re independent, you’re isolated. In fact, you’re a much more interesting person if you’re an active thinker. So I highly encourage you to think about areas in your own life where you’ve robbed yourself by just accepting something on faith, dutifully, or by obedience. You don’t want to ever do that to yourself.

Ask the questions that you need to ask.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world-famous for his theories on goal setting.

An important personality trait valuable in romance is genuineness. Have you ever dated someone and thought to yourself, “What a phony?” When evaluating a potential partner, ask yourself if the person is trying to play a role or is just being themselves. Role-playing stems from insecurity, and its goal is to make an impression, usually for the purpose of boosting the illusion of self-esteem. People who are genuine are far more likely to have authentic love relationships than those who are always playing a role.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.