The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

I had sex with a guy, and we had some problems, and he said some things that really hurt me, but I still want to have sex with him. What should I do?

Okay, what do you do when you are dating someone and you're young? This woman sounds quite young, and she said she had sex, maybe for her first time, maybe not, but it sounds like she's a teenager, and he hurt her. And what does she do at that point?

Well, the main thing to do is ask, how did he hurt you? Did he tell you something that's true about yourself? Did he say, "You know, you seem really shy, and maybe you'd benefit from learning some assertiveness skills"? If he told you a truth that you know about yourself, and you wished he had, oh, just, you know, given you one of those little white lies and told you you were wonderful and assertive when you weren’t—when you were actually very meek and unassertive—although I doubt that, because you had the courage to call me up. But if he told you something that's true, then he really gave you a gift. You want to look closer at that and not necessarily dump him, but address the main issue.

For example, I was relatively shy when I was married, and if my husband had said, "Hey, you're a little bit shy, and you could use some, you know, help speaking up," that would be a gift, because it was the truth, and it hurt because it was the truth that I was trying to run away from.

Now, on the other hand, it could be that he was crude, that he's a person of bad character, or that he's just very rough around the edges, or a mean person—manipulative, you know, any of the above, or a combination of them. And if that's the case, you may really want the sex, and you may really want your fantasy of what you thought this guy brought to the table, or brought to the bed, or brought to the relationship more broadly. But you've got to hold context. You've got to be able to keep perspective and see the full picture.

When you think of making love to him, match that in your mind with the mean things he said to you, the crude or mean things. And my guess is your desire to have love with him will fade if you don’t try to compartmentalize it, put it in a little compartment, and keep it as a fantasy. So, that’s what I would suggest. You always want to—you don’t want to disconnect sex from the character of the person you're making love to, and that person should be lovable. They should be honest. They should have integrity. They should value you for what you love in yourself.

And here, I know it sounds like you're relatively new at this, so I'm hoping that that helps you out. You know, don’t beat up on yourself. Just hold the perspective and be aware that there are other men out there who, if this guy is a bad egg, a bad character, then keep your eyes open. You want to keep the romance in your life. Don’t assume that this is all you’ll ever get in life. There are many, many more lovable people out there, and I wish you a lot of success with that.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner to know:

"Because I hired a detective."
"I thought you were having an affair."
"It's ridiculous. I know, okay, but you could have told me about it, though, couldn't you? You just completely left me out. Why didn't you tell me, John? You've got to answer that."
"I was ashamed."
"As what? Of dancing?"
"Well, no, no, none of what. I find to be happier when we have so much..."

And that's from the movie Shall We Dance? I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner. My show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. And are you in a relationship that feels good? I mean, nothing's wrong with it, and you're happy, and maybe you're married with kids, or maybe you're just in a relationship, but secretly it’s boring. It just isn’t going anyplace.

Maybe it’s even a relationship with a friend, and you want to spice it up, but you don’t want to offend the other person by saying, “Hey, you're a really good person, and I like you, and we get along great, but I’m bored. I want more happiness. I want more; I want to pursue other values in my life.” In this case, it was dance, and that's perfectly legitimate.

Instead of apologizing or trying to hide it, one of the things I love about this moment in the movie Shall We Dance? is that the husband levels with his wife. She thought he was having an affair, so she had him traced, followed, and it turned out that he was taking dance lessons privately and even competing, and he just wanted something more in his life.

I recommend that you set your goals, and if you have some dream that’s doable for you and you want to pursue it, and it’s rational—not gambling—then go for it and be open with your partner. Maybe your partner feels the same way, that things have just settled. That settled feeling is deadening, and you don’t want it in a relationship.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this note.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author, Dr. Edwin Locke:

You can share the same religion or secular philosophy, be of the same race and nationality, or come from the same social background and still be different in enough fundamental ways—including sense of life—to make a successful romantic relationship impossible. Your aspirations for the future need to be compatible. For example, it is important for partners to be comfortable with each other’s level of ambition. This does not mean both need to have the same level of ambition, but their ambitions should not conflict. One partner may need to work long hours or move frequently to get ahead; the other partner must be on board with this for the relationship to work.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.