The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

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Dr. Barry McCarthy, a professor of psychology and certified marital and sex therapist, discusses strategies for maintaining intimacy in marriage. He emphasizes the importance of nurturing the bond between husband and wife, which benefits both the couple and their children. McCarthy introduces the concept of five gears of touching: affectionate, essential, playful, genital stimulation, and intercourse. He advises couples to avoid the "intercourse or nothing" trap and to incorporate various forms of touch to keep the relationship sensual and pleasurable. He also suggests having sensual or sexual dates without intercourse to maintain intimacy and prevent conflicts. McCarthy recommends his books Rekindling Desire and Getting It Right the First Time for couples seeking to improve their relationship dynamics.

Action Items

Recommend the books Rekindling Desire and Getting It Right the First Time by Dr. Barry McCarthy and his wife Emily.
Encourage couples to plan regular "sensual dates" and getaways without their children.
Outline

Staying Connected in Marriage

Speaker 5 discusses the common phenomenon of summer flings ending once the kids and wife return, highlighting the transient nature of such relationships.
Speaker 5 recalls a personal experience of her husband trying to pull her away from their child, emphasizing the importance of vacations in maintaining marital connection.
Dr. Barry McCarthy, a professor of psychology and certified marital and sex therapist, is introduced to discuss strategies for staying connected in marriage.
Dr. McCarthy advises that the most important bond in a family is the husband-wife relationship, which should be nurtured and reinforced.
The Five Gears of Touching

Dr. McCarthy introduces the concept of five gears of touching, comparing them to a stick shift car, with the first gear being affectionate touching (hands on, clothes on).
The second gear is essential touching, which can be non-genital and is important for sensuality and sexual response.
The third gear is playful touching, which involves both non-genital and genital touching in various settings.
The fourth gear is genital stimulation to high arousal and orgasm without intercourse, which is often controversial but can be crucial for many couples.
Challenges in Marital Intimacy

Speaker 5 shares that some clients feel their husbands only have one gear (intercourse), making it difficult to initiate any form of touch without leading to sex.
Dr. McCarthy emphasizes the importance of viewing each other as intimate, sexual friends with the right to make requests and say no.
He suggests having sensual or sexual dates without intercourse to maintain intimacy and avoid conflicts.
Dr. McCarthy advises setting up these dates when the couple has time, privacy, and are awake and alert, often when the kids are asleep or out of the house.
Investing in Marital Vacations

Speaker 5 shares her experience of taking vacations to bed and breakfasts, which feel like extended getaways despite being short trips.
Dr. McCarthy agrees that vacations without kids are a good emotional investment for the couple and their children.
He mentions that anticipation and positive anticipation play a significant role in sexual desire and maintaining a healthy relationship.
Dr. McCarthy highlights the importance of being self-valuing and making requests in a healthy, assertive manner.
Recommended Books and Final Thoughts

Dr. McCarthy recommends his book Rekindling Desire for couples struggling with non-sexual relationships or fighting about sexual frequency.
He also recommends Getting It Right the First Time: Creating Healthy Marriage for couples in the first two years of marriage.
Speaker 5 thanks Dr. McCarthy for his advice and books, concluding the segment.
The podcast ends with a promotion of Dr. Kenner's website and books, emphasizing the importance of effective communication and assertiveness in relationships.


Keywords
romantic connection, marital advice, touching gears, affectionate gear, essential gear, playful gear, genital stimulation, sensual dates, emotional investment, anticipatory excitement, assertive communication, healthy selfishness, parental control, college independence, Greek story

Speakers
Speaker 1 (48%), Speaker 2 (28%), Speaker 3 (7%), Speaker 4 (6%), Speaker 5 (3%), Speaker 6 (3%), Speaker 7 (2%), Speaker 8 (1%), Speaker 9 (1%), Speaker 10 (1%)

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.

Look, Jeff, we had two wonderful months this summer, but that was it. It happens all the time. Wife and kids go away to the country, and the boss has a fling with the secretary or the manicurist or the elevator girl. Come September, the picnic's over. Goodbye, the kids go back to school, the boss goes back to the wife, and the girl... they don't think they shrimp like they used to.

When I think about when I was first having children, I can remember that my husband used to try to pull me away from the baby, and I would sit there with our daughter at the time. He would try to pull me away, and I would say, "You're crazy. I need to stay home." And I am so glad looking back on that experience that we took vacations with one another.

How do you stay connected to your spouse throughout your marital relationship? With me today to discuss this is Dr. Barry McCarthy. He's a professor of psychology at American University and a certified marital and sex therapist. He's presented many workshops nationally and internationally, and he also has co-authored eight books with his wife, Emily, including Rekindling Desire. What a pleasure to have you on the show today, Dr. McCarthy.

I'm very glad to be here.

In terms of staying connected, what advice do you give people to stay connected?
Well, two pieces of advice. The first is to remember that the most important bond in your family is the husband-wife bond—that you need to nurture that and reinforce that, and in the long run, that's the best investment you make in terms of your family and your children. Having parents who are a solid marital couple is a very good thing for kids. The second is that I tell couples to stay away from the trap of intercourse or nothing. So many people fall into that pattern where the woman says, "If I'm not ready to have intercourse, I'm going to avoid contact with my spouse because I don't have the energy for intercourse." What I say to people is that touching is valuable in and of itself, and we use the analogy of five gears of touching and five dimensions of touching.

What are those?
The first is to think about it like a stick shift car. The first gear is the affectionate gear. What you mean by that is hands-on touching, clothes-on touching, things like holding hands, kissing, hugging. The fifth gear is the intercourse gear. And what happens with too many people is that they either get into intercourse or nothing, or the only gears they have are affection or intercourse. And what I try to say to them is, you want to keep contact and make it pleasure-oriented contact.

So the second gear is the essential gear, and it's a non-genital gear. It can be clothed or unclothed—the kind of thing where you cuddle on the couch, cuddle before you go to sleep, or when you wake in the morning, you do non-genital massage. It's a very important gear because I think that sensuality is the underpinning of sexual response.

The third gear is a playful gear, mixing non-genital and genital touching. It can occur clothed, semi-clothed, or nude, inside or outside the bedroom. And that's the kind of thing where people take showers or baths together, where they dance together, where they play strip poker together.

The fourth gear, which is actually the most controversial gear for married couples, is genital stimulation to high arousal and orgasm for one or both of you that doesn't involve intercourse. People are used to that gear from premarital sex, but they say, "Well, now that I'm married, I'm never going to use that gear again." And in fact, for many couples, that can be a very important gear, especially when intercourse is impossible, or one person is more into wanting a sexual experience than the other.

I can hear some of my clients. If they were to hear this, the women would say...
"Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Ellen will be back."

Romance?
"Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is—the Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, the Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting."