The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com

Dave, you want some help for a habitual liar?

Yes.

Yeah. What's going on?

Well, I have had some questions, and I'm needing answers to each one. I sabotage my own life, and knowing that I do things wrong, I don't want to.

Okay, are you on a speaker phone?

No.

Oh, okay, because it sounds a little echoey. So you're saying that you've made a series of choices throughout your life and you've built up a habit where you've lied. You're the habitual liar?

Yes, that's me.

And what changed that makes you want to turn that around?

I'm running at the end of my marriage. I don't want it to fail. I'm trying to save it, and I'm realizing I have to change.

So you're owning responsibility for the damage done.

Yes, I'm realizing that it may be beyond my ability just to admit it and fix it.

So the first person you need to save is yourself. When you say "save your marriage," I would say the more important thing to save is who you are.

Go ahead.

I would say, like, looking at the importance of being a real man myself.

Yes, yes. Fundamentally, the best gift you can privately give yourself, whether anyone knows it or not, is to clean up your own integrity, your honesty, and repair yourself so that you can stop this habit or tendency to lie. What is one of your biggest lies in the marriage?

Sexual deviancy.

Okay. And your wife didn’t know about it, correct? And does she now know?

Yes, she does.

And what does she say about it? Is she okay with it, apart from the lie? Or does she dislike it intensely? Or where is she at?

She's saying we are separated for a time until things can change, and she's looking for real change, and she's holding on to hope.

Do you think she means that?

Oh, yes, absolutely. Her faith is very evident and strong.

So she wants to remain married to you. What is she requesting that you change? What would be evidence of change? You mentioned sexual deviancy. You don’t need to go into it. I'm assuming you didn’t cross the line into something that would be criminal.

I have, and it's been brought to order.

Okay?

Yes, I have, and it’s been disclosed, and I am seeking counseling in that area also.

Okay, so the trust has been broken and severely damaged, and now you’re seriously looking at what began the process, which was lying from the beginning, and getting on track to a real commitment of honesty, purity, and truth.

Are you in counseling yourself? Are you seeing a therapist?

I have a therapist, but I feel I can manipulate the therapist.

Okay, you know, one of the things you can do if you feel you're manipulating the therapist is to share that with the therapist. Say, "I lied to you yesterday. I omitted some details that were really important," because you’re not doing that for the therapist. I mean, the therapist is only in your life for a short time, right?

Correct.

You’re cleaning up your mental habits, and you can tell the therapist, "Can I develop a signal system to let you know when I'm about to lie, or right after I've lied?" Or figure out a way to raise your awareness. The first step in change is—

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: "The Selfish Path to Romance," a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh, "The Selfish Path to Romance"—that is interesting.

The first step in change is, well, number one would be motivation, really seeing why you want to change. What is the benefit to you, Dave, of changing and becoming a better person? You want to see that in all corners of your life, because if you’re a habitual liar, it doesn’t usually stop at marriage—it percolates everywhere.

Yeah.

So is that the case with you? Does it percolate into work and with friends?

Yes.

Go ahead.

I'm wondering if I've been tested, and I feel that I can manipulate the testing.

Okay. You know, a lot of people who are habitual liars learn to keep a poker face. They learn to lie, they learn the types of answers that are expected of them. But they’re the first victim because they don’t like themselves. They don’t like living in their own minds. And so you're looking to change that. Quick question: Have you lied to me during the time we've been talking?

No. I feel like I'm seriously changing that.

Okay, what does it feel like not to lie?

Unfamiliar.

Unfamiliar. Very. I can tell you're being honest right now, because that is a good term for it, right? It’s unfamiliar. You want to make that increasingly more familiar. When I take an exercise class, like yoga, when they first try to put me into a pretzel or other poses, it feels unfamiliar—very unfamiliar—until I do it a lot of times. Then it becomes more of me, more of my habit. Any habit change, if you’re changing the way you think and you're looking to be honest, you need to recognize that feeling you have now when you're leveling with me. Recognize other times when you level with others, and make it a point to be honest. Monitor for it and know the feeling when you go off track. Besides looking at the benefits, that’s the next stage of change: raising your awareness when you’re messing up. So I would recommend that you, number one, get a third therapist who is trained in dealing with people who lie, because that will serve you better.

Okay.

And, or tell your therapist, and maybe they can work with you. Get a therapist who is knowledgeable in the area of your sexual deviancy, because there are people who specialize in that, and many who don’t. Secondly, make a note of that feeling you have when you’re not lying. See if you can bring that feeling into your life more often. Embrace this change, even if it feels different. It may not feel good yet, but this is the direction you want to go. Really make an effort to value the one life that really counts—your life.

Listen, thank you so much for your call, Dave.

Thank you so much for directing me.

You’re welcome.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

We've all had the experience of seeing people dressed in dumpy clothes with unattractive hairstyles. We may think, "If only they made the most of their appearance, how nice they could look." If you've been to a high school reunion and seen what some formerly attractive classmates let happen to their looks, you may have recoiled in shock, thinking, "I can't believe they let themselves go like that." Try an experiment: take a careful look at yourself in a mirror. If your ideal romantic partner were to meet you now, what would be their first impression? What would your posture, clothes, and grooming reveal about you? What sort of person would you like to attract? What changes in your appearance would make this more likely?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.