The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Earl, you're dealing with, let's see, an engagement or an unengagement?

Yeah, I was engaged, but we got unengaged within about 30 days.

Okay, that's an interesting new word, "unengaged." Okay, I'm assuming that it's no laughing matter for you. So tell me what went on.

Well, I was on a dating site real quickly, and I told her about it. She came here to my place one day, looks on my email and says—

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You were dating somebody. What's her—? You can give her a fake first name, but what's her name?

Kim.

You were dating Kim for how long?

I've been dating her for about a year and a half.

Okay, and how old are you?

I'm 43.

You're 43. Okay, you're smiling. Have you been divorced?

Yes.

Once, twice, a few times?

Once.

Okay, kids?

No kids.

No kids. And so, you're out there trying to find someone, and then you find Kim on a dating site?

Yes, I did.

You found her through one of the dating sites, Match.com or some dating site?

eHarmony.

eHarmony, okay. And then tell me what happened then.

Well, everything was going pretty good, and, you know, she wanted to get engaged at six months, and I told her we needed to wait a while.

Okay, why did you want to hold off a bit?

I just felt like I needed to get to know her more.

Good move. So, were you in the same town, or was it a long-distance relationship?

Same town, same town.

So when you say you were dating, you really got to spend a lot of time with one another for those six months.

Yeah. I mean, we've been seeing each other for about a year and a half.

Yeah, that's what you had said, right?

Right.

And I guess my question is—I don't know, I probably know my own answer, but my question is—

Yeah, go ahead.

We got engaged, and, you know, she knew about—I told her I was on a dating site, but I wasn't active on them. I tried to prove it to her. Somebody sent me an email during the Christmas holidays about work, a Christmas party, love, sex, and relationships. The lady I was going out with before we got engaged—it wasn't really like we had made that commitment yet, you know?

And I tried to explain to her that this happened before we got engaged. She swears up and down. I'm a good person. I love her kid and her the same way, and I put up with her fibromyalgia. You know, she's on a lot of pain meds sometimes.

Okay.

And I guess my question is, I don't call her anymore, and I don't know if I should continue to pursue her. You know, she just tells me, "I don't know if I can trust you."

And you said you could answer your own question. So before I say anything, I'm curious, how would you answer yourself?

Probably just move on.

Move on. And what data do you have that tells you don't waste any time with this? Move on. Find someone else.

That's crazy, but I still, I mean—and it's been like this, you know, we haven't been intimate. Seen her a few times here and there. I guess it's just kind of hard for me to let go, you know?

Yeah. So let me tell you my thoughts on this. Then if you're talking about hopefully not another divorce—you know, hopefully not getting married, getting engaged, getting married. She's got a child.

How old is the child?

She's nine.

She's nine years old. So you're talking about going through all of that, connecting with the child, and then maybe things not working out. She doesn't trust you—that's her theme. She thinks that you cheated on her, even if not physically, you know, romantically with somebody, at least by connecting by email.

She mentioned to me she just didn't want to get burned again, you know. And I said, "I'm not the other guys," you know.

And there's nothing you can do about it. If she thinks that about you, it's hard to change that impression. You've known each other for a year and a half. You've been dating for a year and a half. And something about that one incident—I don't know whether it was just that one incident or it's some other data that she has—

It was just that one incident, you know.

For some reason, that is so painful to her. I don't know how it fits into her context in her life. Sometimes, as a parent that's been cheated on—not, you know, through the web, maybe Dad cheated on Mom through the web—and she just doesn't even want to touch that. She doesn't want to go near that again, and she feels like it was a violation of trust, and she doesn't want to rebuild the trust.

If she doesn't want to do that, then yeah, it may be best for you to move on. Because you could work so hard to rebuild the trust, but you don't even feel guilty about it, from what I'm hearing.

No, I don't.

Because you didn't feel guilty that she thought, you know—and I guess what hurts me the most is I can't seem to get through to her that it wasn't anything going on, you know?

Okay. But that's going to come up when you date the next person. If, like, for example, in my case—

I've got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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When you date the next person, if, like, for example, in my case, I've been married—how many years? So let's say an old boyfriend emailed me, right. What would be the proper thing to do? And let's say I had a wonderful relationship with him back in college. What would be the proper thing to do with my husband, to tell him or not to tell him? If you were my husband, what would you want me to do?

I would want you to tell me. "I heard from so-and-so, hadn't heard from him in a while, just letting you know there's nothing to it." And I would hope that you would put some closure on it or whatever, find out whatever it is he's calling about, you know?

Okay, so basically, you would want me to just give you the facts. Because I can't control someone else's actions. If someone else sends me an email about love and sex and relationships, I can't control their behavior. But if I decide to conceal it, then I am deceiving my partner, even though I never cheated on her.

Because—you know, go ahead. Sorry, go ahead.

I didn't know. I didn't know the email was on there. That's what was so—

Oh my gosh. So she found an email that you didn't even know was there? Was it in your spam or your history or—

I mean, I was trying to explain to her, I'm not corresponding with any of these people that were on this dating site. They only let you off when your subscription ends. They just don't take you off, you know? Your picture is still on there. People were still responding to me, but I—

Got it. Then, you know, something—the best you can do is give her the facts. If she backs off from you, I think you gave yourself the best advice, which was what?

Move on.

To move on.

So my question is, when she calls—should I take her calls?

I don't know.

How often does she call?

I mean, once a week, twice a week.

So she's pursuing you?

No, I don’t think she's pursuing me. I think she knows I'm a good person, but for whatever reason—

You know, but you can just level with her. You can say, "Listen, I am so ambivalent because, on one hand, I adore you to pieces"—or however you feel about her; I'm not putting words in your mouth—"and on the other hand, I am really hurt and feeling burnt myself because I didn’t do anything to violate your trust. These things were outside my control. The only thing I would do next time, if somebody ever contacted me, I would just tell you. But this time, I couldn't even tell you, because I didn't know it happened, right?" And so I don't know, just see where she takes it from there. You can leave the door a crack open if you're interested in her. But do it conditionally—if she can reverse however she packaged it in her mind initially and see you as the good person you are, not make this an issue, and maybe apologize to you. Sometimes, this is the tip of the iceberg; she has other problems that she wants to talk about.

Yeah. I mean, she has fibromyalgia, so I don't know if that has anything to do—

Okay, well, you know, it may be an opportunity for you to talk about more issues that underlie this, but you can also move on. Listen, thank you so much for your call.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com. And please listen to this ad.

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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.