The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com.

Should you come clean about your sexual history with a partner? This has a little twist to it, though.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I'm a 36-year-old man who has never had sex with a woman. I am currently dating a woman, Anna, whom I care deeply about, and I don't want to lose her. We have not yet had sex. Should I tell her I've had no experience when the time comes? If so, how and when? Thanks, Seth.

Seth, I probably wouldn't wait till that very moment. That would be a big mistake. However, I do think that openness is important because I think you would be too anxious, and because, more importantly, you want the integrity of feeling like she understands you.

So one of the things I would advise right off the bat, Seth, is not to make it a huge issue, because if you say, "Oh my God, you're not going to believe this; this is so awful," she may just pick up on your mood and frame it that way. The second point would be to really understand yourself well. I'm assuming you know yourself and want to understand, "Hey, why have I not had sex?" You know, ask yourself that and explore. Why not?

Have you had romantic experiences with a woman? You can have romantic experiences and just not have had intercourse. You know, have you held someone's hand? Have you kissed them, caressed them, or looked into their eyes adoringly? Do you enjoy romantic scenes? Have you longed for romance, maybe in romantic scenes in movies or literature, and it's a top value for you? Do you enjoy self-pleasuring? Do you think that sex is healthy and good?

So you want to understand yourself. The question to ask yourself or to answer is, why have you not had sex at 36 years old? That question could have various answers. Maybe someone was really afraid of getting a woman pregnant or feeling trapped and guilty once they committed to sex. Maybe they were afraid of failing, thinking they don’t have the experience and wouldn't be good at it. Maybe they never found anyone they valued enough. Maybe they were taught that sex was dirty, and now they're revising that idea. They may feel differently now, feeling like it's something they want to treasure and share with a partner, and that has changed over time. Or maybe a parent was promiscuous, and you didn't want to follow in that parent's footsteps, so you held off from sex. Or it could even be related to traumatic sexual abuse if you were abused in your childhood.

Only you know the answer to that, and as you get closer to Anna, she's going to want to know. When you share that information, she's going to have questions. If I were Anna, and we were dating, and you said to me, "I've never had sex before," the first thing I might think of is, "Oh my God, are you gay? Or do you think sex is dirty? Are you afraid of intimacy? Or maybe you're from a different culture where it was prohibited? Or were you abused?" I would want the story behind why you haven’t had sex.

If you're prepared in advance, if you can anticipate some of her questions, give them some thought ahead of time and just say, "Anna, I know I'm 36 years old, and this may sound a bit surprising. I wanted to share it with you because I feel very close to you, and I respect you enough to share a bit of my history with you." Take it from there. Don’t anticipate that she'll be negative about it. That would set you up to frame the whole thing as a mess. You cannot predict how she'll respond.

On one end, it could be negative—she could say, "Oh, no, I want someone experienced." On the other end, I actually Googled guys being virgins and just looked at some responses on the internet, so I thought I’d share one or two with you. One person said the last guy they dated was a virgin, and although it surprised her, it didn't bother or scare her. She said she wanted to be more careful about how they handled having sex for the first time, but mostly she thought it was a turn-on and found it quite endearing. Another person said to a virgin, "Oh, man, I would let her know. Some girls might find it sweet, and I doubt many would be turned off by it." Another person said, "If I were you, I'd be happy knowing that I haven’t done anything with anyone that I might regret and feel glad knowing that when it does happen, it will be with someone you really care about."

They were giving advice, adding that many women would love to think that when they are about to have sex with their partner for the first time, it would be the very first time for that partner. Another person said it might come across as really caring because it’s very rare for a guy to have held off until 36. So Anna will likely have questions. Be ready to answer them, and think of it as something endearing for yourself. Know your reasons why. Share whatever you feel comfortable disclosing with Anna.

I wish you the best with that. If you need some skills, you can certainly read about it, or I even wrote a book with Dr. Ed Locke, The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. By "selfish," we mean self-valuing, self-esteem for both partners—how to value yourselves and cherish one another.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke:

Imagine being 80 years old, looking at old photo albums with your kids or grandkids. What adventures, achievements, and experiences would you like to share with them? But you're not 80, and you still have time to create those experiences. What obstacles do you have to overcome? Set personal goals for yourself and rank them according to what you value most, then fit them into a reasonable schedule, so you will have time for work, hobbies, friends, and romance. Don’t abandon yourself by sacrificing your life for others or indulging in short-term shallow pleasures such as excessive drinking and gambling. When you look back at 80, have something to be proud of.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.