The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and amazon.com.

My husband left me six months ago, after 27 years of marriage. He says he wants a divorce, then he wants to start dating me again and possibly get remarried. I've tried to get him to see a counselor and talk about our, you know, whatever this problem is that I'm not really even sure of, to see if we could work it out. Now he's becoming abusive—not physically, but emotionally—with his critiques of everything he thinks is wrong. It’s got to be his way or the highway. That's basically what he's telling me, and I kind of need a little bit of help.

So that's really tragic because it sounds like it—it doesn’t sound like it has happened. The communication has totally broken down. He's keeping something from you, and of course, sometimes you smell a rat. I wonder if there’s another woman in the background that he’s interested in, and he has a good date with her. He sees her on the fly, and then the next thing you know, they have an argument. So then he wants to date you again and remarry you, whatever that means, because you're already married, as far as I understand, after 27 years, and he won’t go for counseling. So again, that raises some suspicions for me—is he with another person? Now, I may be totally off track here. It could be just that he doesn’t like something about you, and it’s grown more irksome over the years. But my guess is you’d have an idea of what that would be. It could be nagging him all the time or not being around enough for him. That happens frequently with couples where they cease to play with each other anymore. They cease to have the humor in the relationship. They cease to have couple activities that make them feel more connected with one another. So the situation that you're in—if he's being emotionally abusive—let’s listen carefully to his words. You can first try to say, "You know, this isn’t like you." I’m assuming he hasn’t been emotionally abusive for 27 years, but you can say, "This isn’t like you. Help me understand you better," which I'm guessing you've done. And if he says there’s nothing to explain, then you can say, "You know, there is a lot to explain. It sounds like you’re not ready to tell me right yet. When you’re ready, and I hope that’s soon, please let me know." He may be trying to push you out. Sometimes, when a person wants a divorce, they try to push the other person to the edge so that person leaves, and then they don’t feel guilty. Of course, they do inside because they know what they're doing, but they make it look to the public like, "She left me." And can you believe, "My wife walked out after 27 years? Oh, have pity on me." When you didn’t realize that he pushed you out of the house. So the bigger question for you is, "Hey, I

got to interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance… that is interesting.

So the bigger question for you is, would you be willing to seek some counseling or support for yourself? Because you need to make some decisions for yourself. This is an untenable, unstable relationship at this point, and you need to figure out if he’s leaving you with a huge question mark. "I'm in the marriage. I'm out of the marriage. You need to fix yourself. You need to do whatever I say right now, period. No questions." You know, authoritarian husband. Then you need to say, "This isn’t working," and you can get therapy if you think he’ll be physically abusive. You can get therapy without letting him know. If not, you can just say, "I'm seeking some supportive therapy because this is very upsetting." Then you want to consider what keeps you in this relationship—you’ve put 27 years in. And there are specific reasons why people will stay in an unhappy relationship. They may be afraid to break their vows. They may be afraid that they’ll hurt the partner, although in this case, he’s hurting you. You might fear change. You might feel just the emotional stress of leaving a partner. You may have kids involved, although you're older, so I’m assuming the kids would be in their teens or out of the nest, but that’s still difficult. You might fear being alone, or there could be financial difficulties keeping you in there, or it could be all the connections with family and friends and who's going to take sides and that whole layer. It could be that you had so many good memories that you want your husband back the way things used to be, but you can’t force his mind if he doesn’t want to come back. If he’s heading for the highway someplace, then what can you do? So those are all the reasons that you need to consider. I would recommend my co-author and I wrote a book, The Selfish Path to Romance, and I’ve got to say the subtitle is "How to Love with Passion and Reason." And I have to say that by "selfish," we mean self-valuing, self-esteem, and self-nurturing. We don’t mean the mean, rotten way to romance, and that’s for both partners. So right now, you need to value yourself. And in doing that, you could read our appendix. Our appendix is "How to Part Ways and Start Over if You Cease Being Soul Mates." And we have a nine-step process. You identify the reasons you’re considering a divorce. You identify the barriers keeping you in an unhappy relationship. You make a decision; you put all the evidence together. Then you need to break the news to your partner. And if you were breaking the news to him, you can say, "If this isn’t working out, I can see that you want a divorce from me." You can say that to him, "I'm not making you happy. You're always wanting to change me, and I’m thinking you want a divorce. Am I correct?" And then you want to set up an atmosphere for respect, especially if there are kids involved, and you help the kids through the divorce, and you make an action plan. It’s really like setting up a business. But I might be way too premature. You need to find out what’s on his mind.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner. Celebrate you here. "Well,

I thought you needed a little cheering up. Been kind of mopey lately. I mean, you've been kind of down ever since you lost your job, you know, and you haven’t had a date in I don’t know how long—yes, well, I know how long—and this isn’t the way to cheer me up." "Well, don’t worry, I found a girl for you. Now, Duke’s daughter Marie just moved back in town." "Dead blind dates remain the refuge of the love-lorn." "You know, if you didn’t talk like that, you might not have to get set up so much." "Now listen, Uncle Martin." "Oh, Marie, look at you. You remember Frasier?" "Bonjour,"

and I don’t need to say that’s from Frasier. And number one, can you tell that Frasier wants his own autonomy? He doesn’t want his father meddling in his life, and that’s something we all have to deal with, whether we’re the parents or the kids. How do you respect one another’s autonomy and say, "Would you like me to fix you up with someone?" Sometimes we cross the line, which is what Frasier’s dad does. And when he crosses the line and fixes Frasier up with someone, Frasier feels like a loser. Blind dates are for losers. So what about blind dates? Is that something that you think is good or bad? I know that I dated a lot in my teenage years, and I actually went on a few blind dates, and my favorite blind date was my very last blind date, and that was with my husband. My mother—my, that’s my hubby—my mother fixed us up. She was desperate. She was afraid I was going to go back to a former boyfriend that we had just broken off the relationship. She fixed me up with a few dates, and the last one was my husband, and he showed up in dungarees, and he was so down-to-earth. I just loved him, as opposed to the other guys, who were so patent leather polished, they just looked anxious. Several of them when they came to the door—which is normal, you feel nervous on a date—but my husband forgot to feel nervous. He just is so much himself, and I love him dearly and deeply, and I made a very good choice. So blind dates can work out very well.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Drkenner.com and please listen to this that. Here’s

an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

A mood is an enduring emotional state. A chronically sullen, anxious, or hostile partner is unromantic—not very lovable. Sometimes moods may be partly or wholly out of your control, for instance, those caused by hormones, a thyroid problem, or by an adverse medication reaction. Most bad moods, however, are caused by your subconscious ideas; you can introspect to understand and regulate them. Your bad moods may sometimes be the cause of your partner’s bad mood. For example, you may hate your job and come home to your partner in a cranky, sarcastic mood every night, which puts your partner in an equally negative mood. Once you clarify the cause of your mood and explain it to your partner, you can come up with a better strategy to deal with the work problem.

You can download chapter one for free by going to Drkenner.com and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.