The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free. Drkenner.com

Jamelle, you're having difficulty in a romantic relationship.

Yes, I am.

Can you tell me what's going on?

Well, I would say that I’ve been a caregiver for my mother for maybe over 20 years. Okay, so that didn’t really give me a chance to engage in socialization. I also deal with a little bit of social anxiety and some other issues. So usually, how I met people here in New York City and in the LGBT community, which I’m a member of, is that you present yourself, tell your story, and then you meet people and hope it works out. Most of the time, it hasn’t. But I met this guy around the holidays, and my mother passed away—let’s just say she passed away in April.

I’m sorry to hear that.

Thank you. And so that’s sort of thrown me off, too. But I met him, and I thought he would be like other guys, you know, just a few meetings, and that would be it. But he seemed to linger on, and we developed some kind of friendship or relationship. What I find a struggle with is that he’s not very considerate. He doesn’t really like talking about things or being clear about situations. When I leave after spending time with him, whether it’s a meeting, a date, or whatever, I feel like I’m not getting the whole truth. Sometimes my intuition tells me something’s wrong, and I end up feeling depleted. After my mom passed, I noticed similarities in the way he deals with his life and the way my mother dealt with hers, too. She didn’t like discussing emotions, preferred to complain about her problems, and when people tried to help, it felt like a black hole. He does that, too, among other things. I’m just noticing some similarities this week. What I’m trying to figure out is how not to be triggered so much by this person, and when to cut ties or try to figure out a boundary. Right now, with my mom’s passing, I don’t really engage with anybody else, so…

It sounds like you could use a social support system, and you don’t have a lot of experience with that because you were isolated with your mom for 20 years. You found someone you thought you connected with and could develop a friendship with, if I understand you correctly. But the more you learn about him—because you learn about people in layers over time—the more you’re discovering there are similarities with your mother. Not necessarily the positive ones, but frustrating traits, like how he’s not open about his inner life. And he doesn’t want to hear about emotions, either. That alone is very significant; it’s a red flag. The fact that you don’t trust him also signals a potential relationship breaker. And if you’re not happy with him, guess who’s the one person you want to make sure is happy, Jamelle?

Hey, I have to interrupt this because we have to pay some bills. Just 30 seconds—a quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Huh. The Selfish Path to Romance…interesting.

And if you’re not happy with him, guess who’s the one person you want to be happy with, Jamelle?

Myself?

Yes, yes. If you can be your own best friend during this period. That’s actually a cognitive therapy skill—being supportive, having empathy toward yourself, and acting as your own cheerleader. You can learn social skills, too. I was very shy as a kid. Look at what I’m doing now! These are all learnable skills, and you can learn to connect with people. There’s a book by Mary Ellen Copeland—I think it’s on my website, Drkenner.com—called "The Loneliness Book." It has a lot of ideas on how to connect with people. Some might not apply to you, and it’s an older book, so it may not reference the LGBT community specifically, but the principles are universal. So, your first step is to support yourself. You want to tune into your own warning signs. You’ve identified things you like about him, but remember, you’re not desperate. There are many other people out there. Is there any danger if you decide to leave him?

Oh, no, no danger. I think for me, it’s just more complicated. I think I get caught up obsessing over the “What Ifs.” That’s the crippling thing. Whether it’s a conversation, or thinking I didn’t put enough effort into relationships with family, friends, or any situation, I sometimes beat myself up over it for weeks or months. It really threatens me. It’s like, “What if this could have worked out?” or “What if I could have just held on longer?” I’ve never had a relationship, so I’m confused about the steps to take to maintain one or even start one. That’s why I beat myself up, wondering if I’m making the wrong decisions or expecting too much. Maybe I’m not chill enough, you know? Maybe I’m suspecting or having bigger expectations than I should.

Well, you’re not having bigger expectations. Let me ask you: Do I sound emotionally open?

Yes.

Okay, how long have you known me?

Right, right.

So you get a sense of people quickly, and you sound like someone who’s very comfortable with being emotionally open. If that’s true, then having “What Ifs” is normal. But if you constantly predict a negative future, that becomes a problem. I like to add one word to “What If”—and that’s “What If Not.” What if something good happens? You can gauge what you like about yourself, what you like about him, what you need for yourself, and what doesn’t fit with him. And remember, there are many other potential partners. I co-wrote a book that isn’t specifically geared toward the LGBT community, but the principles are the same. The core principles about communication and relationships apply universally. You could read the first chapter. The example is a heterosexual relationship, but you can abstract from that. What you want in a romantic partner is visibility. In the book, we talk about how to make yourself lovable, how to reach out and find the right person for you, and how to know if they’re right for you. So many people go through multiple divorces. I’ll give you the name of it: The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. Notice it includes both emotion and reason. And “selfish” doesn’t mean a “my way” manipulative approach to romance; it means never betraying yourself in a relationship. Hold on to your self-esteem and self-worth. I hope that helps, and please, be good to yourself. Thanks for your call.

Thank you.

You’re very welcome, Jamelle.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner…

Oh, I’m sorry, sir, these tickets are for the matinee.

Oh no! There has to be some mistake. Oh dear God, how could this happen? I have to see this play. People have to see me at this play. If they don’t see me seeing this play, then I’m no one. Everyone who’s anyone is seeing this play. And if you’re not anyone, then…you’re no one.

That’s from Frasier, that’s Niles, obviously being obsessive. Have you ever felt like you needed to be seen at an event, at your college reunion, or any gathering where you felt you needed to put on a show? Maybe it’s the holidays, and you’re worried about what to wear so your family will see you in a certain light. That sort of pressure robs you of the joy of living in the moment. You’re living through others’ eyes, as if a rear-view mirror is always following you, and you have to check to make sure everything’s perfect. You don’t want that critical voice following you around. You want to go to events with the mindset of, “I want to have fun and connect with people I care about.” You want to live your life “firsthand,” as Ayn Rand calls it, not “secondhand.”

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, visit Drkenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Emotions vary not only in type but also in intensity, from mild anxiety to severe panic attacks, from mild sadness to deep depression, from mild happiness to exuberance. Hormones aside, the intensity of your emotions depends on the importance of the value at stake. If you feel a powerful emotion, the intensity indicates, “This is really important to me.” If you sense your emotion is too intense for the situation, ask yourself, “What mistaken interpretation am I making here?” Did you blow up when your partner was ten minutes late? Initially, you may think, “If they’re late, it means the evening is ruined,” or “They don’t care about me.” Then do a reality check: Is this really true? Is anger the appropriate response? Even if it is true, consider the bigger picture.

You can download chapter one for free at Drkenner.com and buy the book on Amazon.com.