The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at drkenner.com, and amazon.com.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I am having trouble choosing my path in life now. I want to make good choices focusing on my own goals and happiness. I've always wanted to be a strong-willed individual. I'm currently in a relationship, but I find it confining. I want to rip myself out of it, but don't know if I can or should. Will you help me choose what decision I should make? Should I stay with this man or break it off to live a truly complacent individual life? Thanks, Megan.

So, Megan, I have several things I want to say here. The first one is, it sounds like you have trapped yourself in an unhappy relationship, and you're saying you want to rip yourself out of it. Now, that's very powerful imagery. That's something that, you know, if I'm in a horrible situation, I just want to rip myself out of it. It takes a lot of energy, and it shows me that you're very conflicted. Because if you weren't conflicted, what could you do? You could just walk away. You could, you know, cordially talk with your partner and say, "This isn't working out for me," and I'm assuming it isn't for you either, and you can walk away.

So your questions are, can you rip yourself away from this, or can you walk away? And should you do this? And that brings up, I'm going to assume that you're not married and you don't have kids, because that's always a huge complication. But it brings up many more questions: Do you have the right to leave a relationship? If that's what you're asking, that's the equivalent of saying, "Do I have the right to be happy and make my own choices?" Now, if you've not bought into the idea that tells you that your role in life is to sacrifice and serve others, then the answer is easy. Of course, you have the right to leave an unhappy relationship, and with reasonable guidance, again, you will be able to walk away with dignity—hopefully dignity for both of you, if you work it well. But you can't always predict someone else's behavior.

So that brings up a second question, Megan: should you leave the relationship? And I have no idea; that's a question that only one person can answer, and that is you. That's how you build self-confidence. That's how you build yourself into that strong-willed person that you want. That's how you can live a truly complacent life as an individual, whether you're with a partner or not—or a better partner, in this case, assuming that he's not as good in many ways. But if that's what you're wanting, you want to ask yourself multiple questions and really give yourself the time to process these questions, to write them out on paper—maybe then shred them so he doesn't find them lying on the kitchen table. But here are some of the questions to consider:

I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is, "The Selfish Path to Romance," a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on amazon.com. Hmm, "The Selfish Path to Romance." That is interesting.

Here are some of the questions to consider: Do I tell myself that I need to live to please others at the expense of myself? Now, that may be just with your partner, but typically, for most of us that have bought into part of that code, it percolates through our lives. So that's a huge premise to challenge. Is it okay to live for yourself? And the answer is a resounding yes. Yes. You want that for your kids. You want that for your puppy dog. You want that puppy to chase a frisbee and not just sit there and let all the other dogs get the frisbee and kind of hang its head in shame.

A second question, Megan, is: Is it a safety issue? Do you anticipate that your partner will harm you if you leave? And it can be harm on a physical level or a psychological level. And then you can ask yourself, are there relationship breakers? There are some things that a partner can do where it's intolerable to stay in the relationship. The obvious one is abuse or lying or being an alcoholic or gambling all your money away, or even some of it. Those can be relationship breakers. Then you can look at the quality of the relationship. Are there chronic arguments or maybe a hostile silence? You know you can argue loudly by being completely silent, crossing your arms, and glaring at one another. Or maybe your partner's too needy. Maybe it's none of the above. Maybe this guy is a nice guy, Megan, but he's just not the right person for you.

So that's just kind of looking at the relationship. You want to look at yourself too. Am I conflicted? Am I afraid to leave this relationship and feel like I just have to kind of rip myself out of it because I'm insecure and I just need to do something, and do I worry I can't make it on my own? So you really want to focus on looking forward, looking into the future. Do you have a plan for yourself if you decide to leave? Where will you live? What job or career would you have, or do you currently have? Do you have the finances to support yourself? Do you have social supports—friends, trusting family, maybe a good therapist—if this is a tough transition for you? And then you can ask yourself a very tricky question: How might I have contributed to any difficulty we're having? That's a hard one to face, but when you're honest with yourself, you actually grow in a relationship.

And finally, how do you leave? How do you leave a relationship civilly, with an atmosphere of respect? And I'm going to recommend the book that Dr. Ed Locke and I wrote, The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. You can get it on amazon.com, and the first chapter is free. I'm going to recommend you read the appendix, titled "How to Part Ways if You Cease Being Soul Mates and Start Over Again," because a wonderful relationship can really enhance your life. When you both feel like you're individuals within a loving relationship, it can make your whole life sparkle, and that's what you want to aim for if you want a good relationship.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

"We've got to do something here. Mother, she's not getting any better. In fact, she may be getting worse."

"Oh, she'll be fine, Mrs. Spencer. She just needs a little time."

"Time is running out."

This COVID is a huge event. Now, Caitlin's father and I have spent a fortune on the party. All of her friends are coming, and I will not have her looking like a—I just, I just want Caitlin to feel secure.

I understand, and you can have some empathy for the mom. The mom's giving this big party, and it's for her daughter. The daughter wants the party, and yet the daughter's feeling really anxious because she has to dance in front of other people. So on one hand, the daughter hasn’t fully bought in—Caitlin, the daughter hasn’t fully bought into the fact that this is something for her to celebrate. This is her coming-out party, and it's not my thing, but it was Caitlin's thing.

And the solution to this—and I'm sorry about this; I'm going to give you a plot spoiler to this movie, Take the Lead—is that Caitlin learns how to get out in front of other people, forgetting about the fact that her mother's friends are coming, forgetting about the fact that her parents dumped a bunch of money into creating this big party. What Caitlin gets from this is she learns how to dance for herself, to truly enjoy it. You know, they say, "Dance as if no one's looking." That's exactly what she learns, and that's a good policy for any of us, on any issue in life. When we are not focused on, "Do they like me? Am I good enough? Am I pleasing my parents or my partner or other people, my friends?"—instead, if your focus is on, "Am I enjoying myself? Am I enjoying my friends? What can I do to make it more fun for me?"—when your focus is on genuinely loving your own life and taking care of yourself and building good character, you walk away from it with smiles. You walk away from those decisions feeling confident and good about your own life, and you don't run into as many situations where you feel like you're put on show, you're, you know, in a parade where people are looking at you, making fun of you, and criticizing you. You're enjoying your life.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this:

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Understanding where emotions come from will make you a better romantic partner. Anger is your response to a perceived injustice or the violation of some important moral standard by another. You can also be angry at yourself for the same reasons. Guilt stems from believing that you acted against your own moral standards or values. Hatred, a feeling of extreme animosity or hostility toward another person, stems from evaluating that person in some way as bad or evil or as a profound threat to one’s sense of self-esteem. Hatred of others can also be a displacement of hatred toward yourself. Here, you urgently need counseling.

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance on amazon.com.