The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

I'm turning to an email that I got on what happens when someone loves someone else but isn't sexually attracted to them. What do you do in that situation?

So see what you think about this:

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I am currently involved in a relationship with a wonderful woman whom I've known for about seven years. When we first met, I was not romantically attracted to her at all, so that implies at some point you were. As the years passed, I realized that she has a pleasant personality to me. Pleasant sounds flat, but she is the type I would love to spend the rest of my life with. Okay, that's a little more energy.

I recently relocated to another state, but did not want to lose her friendship due to distance, so I made an effort to continue our friendship over the internet and by phone. Our conversations got lengthier and more meaningful as time passed by. I've realized that we are compatible in so many ways, down to the small details. We are now romantically involved.

Okay, so there is some sex going on here. She's a wonderful woman, and I care about her. I feel that she is a wonderful human being, and if she and I were locked up in a room for life, we would get along just fine. She is marriage material. However, I don't feel sexually attracted to her. I do not feel lust or the same sexual attraction towards her that I felt in the past towards other women. This makes me frustrated because I feel she deserves my 100%, and that I should be in love with her for all the right reasons.

She also has everything I seek in a mate, and I would hate to mess up my relationship with her simply because I do not feel sexually fulfilled. Am I being a jerk for feeling like this?

No, you feel that way; that's a fact. The goal is to introspect.

Continuing with the email, I've discussed this situation with her, and she's doing her part. She's losing weight and dressing sexier, but I still feel the same. After much thought, I've come to the conclusion that her personality simply does not attract me on a sexual level. I never want to hurt her because I really care about her, and I also don't want to make the mistake of turning away from someone who might be the love of my life.

I really feel that we're compatible on all levels except for this one. That area is very difficult to do anything about, being that it's the same personality that I fell in love with. I love her for all the right reasons, but the sexual attraction isn't there. It's just not in her personality. Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks for your advice and your help.

Sincerely,

Mike, a guy who is fighting hard not to fall into the traps of his own testosterone.

Okay?

Mike, you know, I have a lot of empathy for you, and I love your honesty. I love that you say that this is happening because many people fake it and just assume it will grow. What you need is some serious introspection. You need to ask yourself and clearly identify, “Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.”

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh?

The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

You need to ask yourself and clearly identify what it is that sexually attracted you, if at all, to her in the past, because maybe you can grow that together. What's a turn-off? What do you say to yourself in those private moments? “Oh, she's too fat,” or “She's flat-chested,” or “She's too big.” I like them flat-chested. You know, what is it about her that's unappealing to you? Is it that she's boring in bed?

Maybe that's something you could work with together by getting some books and reading about it. Don't try to force her with sex. Maybe she doesn't like your method. Many couples come together, and they definitely have different sexual appetites, different things that turn them on, and what they need to develop is a couple style. So maybe you could work on that.

There are many books on the market now. The Sex-Starved Marriage. I know you're not married, but it's still a very good read that's at my website, DrKenner.com. There's also Rekindling Desire.

There was a recent book I was just picked up, too, that there are many books out right now that are all focused on how to rekindle desire.

Now, you haven't just met her, so you're not in the infatuation stage, you know, the stage where you can't get someone out of your mind. So it could be that you even have the seven-year itch. You've been with her for seven years, and most couples need to revitalize their relationship. And so that may be the case too.

If it's something like her being very overweight and she's losing the weight, that's good for both of you. If she's dressing sexy just for you, it could cause problems for her. If she's doing it because she feels sexier and wants to work on this, then that's fine. So you need to really sit down and ask yourself in detail, “What am I attracted to? Who turns me on?”

Usually, John Money had a theory that we all have a sex map; some very early stimulating arousals—something that aroused us when we were very young—becomes our preferred method of sexual interaction. So you want to find out, is it her? Is it you? You know, is it that you prefer looking at magazines, and she'll never match up to those?

What is your preferred method, and can you mesh it with hers? What is her preferred method of sexual arousal, and is there a way to develop a couple's method?

I would say that if this goes on for a while unresolved, I would tell her to find—if having that attraction is very important to her, which I suspect it would be—to break it off, to find somebody who sees her as the hottest woman on earth. And see if that doesn't change her own attraction to her; it may spark it a little bit.

So hope that helps. Honest introspection is the key.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Look at history. Everything we have, every great achievement, has come from the independent work of some independent mind. Every horror and destruction came from attempts to force men into a herd of brainless, soulless robots without personal rights, without personal ambition.

Notice that this is Avi. This is from The Fountainhead with Gary Cooper. That's Gary Cooper speaking, and think about it in your own life, the independent mind.

Do you think for yourself, and can you act on that? Or how are you, as many people are, just saying things to please other people? “Well, I have to tell my mother this,” or “I have to tell my uncle this because this is what he expects to hear.” And you know, I really don't like this, but my husband wants to hear this.

Are you following—or this is what's popular to say. So how could I say I didn't like that movie when everyone else says they love it? How do you keep your own integrity? It takes courage.

Some of the most difficult situations are when you're with loved ones and you disagree with them. How do you stand up for yourself, and do you?

And I would recommend that you do, that you learn assertiveness skills so that you're not like a bull in a china shop doing so you can speak tactfully. But you want to earn your own self-respect, and that's very important.

You also want to have your own ambition in life. Think about what goals, what dreams are personally yours—not what other people want for you, or expect of you, or think is right for you—but your own personal dreams.

And then, as long as they're reasonable, they're rational, figure out a path to get there, and you'll love yourself much more. Your whole life will take on a different color, a much lovelier color.

It won't be the darkness; it won't be the despondency or the anxiety. You'll feel liberated.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Growing up, you want to be a good kid. You want to be moral. But what does that mean? In your family, it means do what Dad says, period. If you disagree with Dad, if you have your own thoughts, then you're bad, immoral.

In grade school, you learn that being good is not doing what Dad says, but doing what your neighbor or the public wants, or what some God says. You become the do-gooder to earn the ability to say you're good and moral, but secretly you're in pain. A little voice in your mind says, “What about me and my life?”

And you feel guilty even thinking that, but it is your life, and you want to learn how to proudly and rationally enjoy it and pursue your dreams.

If you've adopted the wrong standards for being good, discover a rational, moral foundation for your happiness here, Dr. Kenner at DrKenner.com.

And you can call her toll-free anytime, 24/7 and leave a recorded question at 877-DR-KENNER.