The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and @Amazon.com

Dr. Kenner, my fiancé and I have been in a relationship for 11 years. We have three children. So the question that I have is, why aren't we married? I love this man more than anything in the world. Now hold that thought in mind as I continue. I love this man more than anything in the world. He has cheated on me a few times in our relationship. I've not gotten over it, but I've put it in the past. It's gone, but not forgotten.

Lately, he's been acting strange. He's been degrading me. We spend almost no time together in bed. It's the worst part of all. I wonder if he loves me when we go to bed after talking about having sex; he won't follow through. When we do have sex, it's all his call, the position he wants, for how long he wants it. We don't even have sex anywhere but in the bedroom. Then afterwards, he rolls over on his side of the bed and goes to sleep. No words are spoken.

I feel like a living, breathing sex toy that he can pull out and put any way he wants, when he wants it. His idea of foreplay is oral sex for him, just to give him an erection. He never focuses on me, which really makes me feel dirty. He says he loves me more than life itself, but he rarely shows it. He shows the opposite. Why? If he is still attracted to me, can he not become aroused by looking at me or thinking about having sex with me?

I just want things to be better. And to tell you the truth, I'm starting to think about how I want to live from now on, and I know this isn't the way. Can you please help? You're my last hope, and I don't know what to do. Is there any advice you can give? I would be so grateful. I've put so much into this relationship, not to mention three beautiful children. I don't want to walk out just because I'm not happy in the bedroom. Thank you so much for your time.

Megan, well, first of all, it's not that you're just not happy in the bedroom. You're not happy with the whole relationship. Now watch what happened when you spoke, Megan: you started off by saying that this man— I love this man more than anything in the world. And then you got into what one psychologist calls the letting go mode. You then end up by saying, and to tell you the truth, I'm considering walking out.

Now this is a phenomenon that Dr. Pennebaker— he's the one that wrote a book opening up called Letting Go— being truthful with yourself. He notes that this is a very common pattern that people will say, I love my parents. We have the perfect family. My parents support me in whatever I do. I wouldn't change anything about my childhood. Rarely, and then later on, they say my father is such a bastard, and my mother takes it out on me.

Dr. Pennebaker says that many times when someone starts off in therapy by saying, we have such a close family, my little sister is so great, that nine out of ten times the disclosure is going to lead to a vicious attack on that family or sister or whomever they're talking about.

So step one, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So step one, Megan, is to be truthful with yourself. You may wish that you love your fiancé more than anything in the world, possibly because you've invested 11 long years with the hope that he would be wonderful. And now you're committed; you've got three kids, so you're connected with this guy for life. But facts are facts. You can't do anything about them.

This guy is a cheat multiple times. The pain is still there for you. He's not making any amends. He degrades you. You feel totally invisible. He doesn't give a damn about how you feel in sex, or whether you feel he is using you, assuming that you’re not the type of person that just clamps up and never says anything, even though he tries to draw you out.

And why hasn't he married you? Or why haven't you connected? I'm sure, if he asked you, that you'd marry him in those 11 years. Is it possible—this crossed my mind—that he wanted the liberty to say to the woman that he carouses with on the side, these affairs he's having, that he's not married? And he wouldn't be married, but he is married if he's been with you for 11 years, even though, and with three kids.

You know, if there's a tacit agreement that it's a committed relationship, then, even though you don't have the legal document, he'd be lying to the other women and to you. So this dude may have some wonderful qualities, but I would say he's got some major, major deal breakers. He is dishonest, and he makes you feel invisible. Invisible is the exact opposite of a soulmate. A soulmate makes you feel wonderfully visible.

So I'm assuming that you have a good character, that you don't cheat. What I would recommend doing—because it sounds like you're not quite letting your mind fully open up and look at all the facts clearly and integrate them and make them into a unity and then take action based on them—is to get the book "After the Affair."

It's a book that helps you stay connected after partners have had an affair, but it's also a book that helps you see what your partner, the cheating partner, needs to do to make amends. And if you see that your fiancé would never take these steps, then at least you have some solid, rational guidelines to say he's no good for me, and I'm leaving.

So that would—I'm hoping that that will help you out. That book is on my website, DrKenner.com. Notice, if you stay with him, you'll just get more of the same, and it will get worse. So it won't really stay the same.

And what message are you sending your children? You'll be sending them the message that it's important to stay in a bad relationship—one in which you feel invisible and used—and put up with being a side dish in your fiancé's life, but to be a good wife, and this is what relationships are all about: suffering silently, privately.

If you divorce, you can actually liberate yourself and your kids from the chronic pain, and you send your kids a very different message. You send them the message that happiness does matter. And if you can't reach this guy rationally, it's time to cut your losses.

So I would get supportive counseling for yourself to help you make the decision. You could have a few couple sessions just to see where he goes with that, and if he makes a complete turnaround—yeah, I've seen that happen—then that's one thing, but it will have to bear the test of time.

You can also have counseling with your kids and get them private counseling if you're moving toward divorce. So you may want to ask yourself one question too: Why did you stay in this relationship so long? Are there family dynamics from your own family of origin that have kept you with this guy for 11 years?

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Romantic love is the most selfish of all emotions. It means that you deeply care about your partner's welfare, health, pleasure, success, and happiness. Your loved one is an irreplaceable personal treasure, someone to be nurtured and protected, with whom you want to grow and thrive as an equal partner for life.

It's someone whom you miss when you are away and whom you delight in seeing upon your return. It's someone you love to talk to, to touch, to be near, to make love to, to take delight in. Without that person, there would be a huge, irreplaceable void in your life, because he or she makes your life complete. And all this applies to your partner's view of you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.