The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance
Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. This is from Trent.

You know, when you're in a romantic relationship, the last thing that you want is your partner not to be sexually attracted to you. So listen to this.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I'm 24, recently married, and struggling with a porn addiction. I've gone two weeks without it. When I'm home by myself, I struggle with a constant barrage of mental pornographic images. They keep floating across my mind. I either discard them immediately or indulge them for a while before discarding them. I cannot discuss this with my wife, Sarah. She feels that even if I don't look at porn, the fact that I struggle and feel less sexual desire for her is a blow to her self-esteem. As an ex-cigarette smoker, I want to feel that same passive indifference when in the presence of a pornographic image, as when I feel in the presence of someone smoking. Now, I think that a 10-year habit of porn has seriously skewed my sexual desire. I feel intense sexual desire for porn stars and less sexual desire for my wife. And I want to eliminate the sexual desire for the porn stars and increase my sexual desire for my wife. What can I do? Trent.

Well, first, be realistic with yourself, because you can't wish this stuff away. I mean, you've practiced anything we practice. If I practiced speaking Italian for 10 years every day or every other day, I would be very good at it. So, you have developed the pathways in your mind and the value system that this is important to you. So, it's good for you that you are identifying your own strengths, that you have been able to quit smoking and not have those urges the way you used to in the past. So, you already know that you're capable of change and you're capable of big-time change. Not many people can quit smoking and have it be way in the past and have that passive indifference. So, kudos to you. Now you're wanting to rescue your marriage. So, looking at sexy pictures or looking at sexy fantasies is not necessarily bad, per se. You know, sexuality is healthy and good, but sexuality of some of the porn movies, I don't know what type, if you're watching, ones that are just romantic movies. I mean, if I watch Dancing with the Stars, I think, "Oh man, when you see Karina come out and she's practically naked on stage," in fact, if she were naked, she'd be much less sexy. But those professionals, especially the women, are the men too, have all the moves. They're sensual, they're sexy, they're turn-ons, and we love it. And if their partners don't match up to them, you know, the non-professionals? You know, it's disappointment. You want to see that professionalism. And you want things in your life that can turn you on, whether it's the way you dress, whether it's lusty or whether it's very sweet. You know, everybody has different tastes. When you get married, you want to develop a couple style. And if you have been focused on porn for this long, and you want to shift that, to have a desire to be with your wife, that in itself is good, and you want to share that with her.

So, number one, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance
I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

That in itself is good, and you want to share that with her. So, number one, know it's effortful. You can't just wish away this attraction to the porn stars, but change is possible, and it's possible for you, and you have some strengths. Number two, there are wonderful skills that you can learn to recalibrate your emotional response. It takes time. Be realistic with your expectations. As I said earlier, you want to say a little less attracted. A little less attracted. Sometimes change can happen quickly. I stopped biting my nails overnight when I spent what I thought was an outrageous sum of money to get my nails done and done when I was, I guess, a very early marriage, I just thought that was so expensive to have someone paint my nails that I never chewed my nails or bit them again, and that's cool, but that's rare. So, know that it takes time. Know what genuine romance is. Know what your aim is. It will be an upgrade for you because if you're valuing a romantic partnership, a melding of the souls, a melding of the bodies, representing that you value your partner, that she is your chosen top social value in life, and you're hers, and you learn how to cherish each other. You learn what turns you on and what turns her on, and where you can come together with that and play around with it and experiment in ways that are within both of your comfort levels. That will go a very long way.

So how can your wife compete for your affection and sexual desire with porn stars? These, what do they get paid for? They get paid for being sexy. Well, that's a question you need to answer for yourself. You want to take some time and think, "How could my wife compete? What were you attracted to when you met her?" Then here's another skill you can use: see the next episode or see the full picture of what goes on within porn stars' lives. Now, you may not know, but I worked with people who worked in part of that industry for a while. I was the therapist, and I had people who were prostitutes, or their lives were wrecked with drugs, or they were dancers. And when you see the ugliness, the hideousness, the destruction of family lives, the kids, what happens to their kids, the porn movies may not be as attractive, and your wife may look a heck of a lot more sexy to you. Now, I'm not saying to get rid of your desire for fantasy, so your admiration of a sexy body, but take a look at what's appealing for you, and know the context a little more, which might help fade it. For example, if you are trying to quit smoking and you are shocked, you've never thought of this, but you see the lungs in the Science Museum of a smoker versus the pink lungs, the black lungs versus the pink lungs of a non-smoker. Maybe that's the moment where you reach the conviction and you shift gears. You also want to have seen very sexy or healthy images of a good sexual romantic relationship. For me, it's reading Atlas Shrugged and seeing the wonderful sexual scenes in it—or not seeing, reading the sexual scenes in that book. You also want to know about your own porn habit. When did it start? How did it keep going? And what is your connection with the female? The females and you want to basically focus on your strengths and be very honest with your wife. Work with her. If you can go out to counseling, that's great. You can check out my book with Dr. Ed Locke, The Selfish Path to Romance, How to Love with Passion and Reason at amazon.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this that...

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Loving a narcissist is a frustrating, painful, and ultimately heartbreaking experience because they have unlimited wants but nothing positive to offer another person. The more narcissistic a person, the worse it is for romance. We should add that there are people we call clueless when it comes to relating to other people, and yet who are not actually narcissists, nor are they suffering from any inborn disorders such as autism. They are typically people who have been deprived emotionally in childhood and thus not in touch with their emotions and are impoverished when it comes to having their own values. This makes it hard for them to be sensitive to the emotions and values of others, simply because they do not know any better.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.