The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

This is from the woman who's dating someone she loves, and he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. Dear Dr. Kenner, I've been dating a man, Tom, for about seven months. He's warm, sensitive, caring, and I love him dearly. We get along wonderfully, and we've enjoyed a positive relationship that has helped us both grow individually and as a couple. Two days ago, he called me, and he was crying. He told me that it wasn't going to work out, that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. He was married years ago to a controlling woman and said that he's made a decision after his divorce that he wants to remain single. He told me that he has a lot of internal conflict going on about our relationship, and he's tried to commit to me because half of him wants it to work. He told me he loves me, but he feels he's deceiving me because in his heart, he wants his freedom. When I asked him what he meant by freedom, he stated that he wants to be free to do whatever he pleases. I asked him if he felt that I prevented him from doing so, and he said no. I asked him if freedom to him meant that he wanted to date others, and he said no. He said he doesn't want to have to answer to anyone. In his mind, a committed relationship is one in which you take the partner's needs and wants into consideration when you make decisions, and he doesn't want to have to do that. Okay? Now that's a problem. In a committed relationship, there is a give and take, so I'll continue. She says my heart is broken. We have been growing closer every day, and the relationship seems to improve constantly. We've both developed a certain serenity simply by being together. Sounds like a really nice relationship. Family and friends on both sides have commented on this. How can I willingly let go of a good thing? I know he's conflicted and that I can't push him, but to me, there's a definite difference between the end of love and an issue in a relationship. There is so much love, trust, and respect between us, and I feel in my heart that we could work this out if only I knew how. We shouldn't let the ghosts from the past rule us in the present. He's told me he's made up his mind; he isn't going to change, but he still wants me in his life, and I'm having a hard time just letting him disappear into the fog. Do I fight for it or no? Signed, Sarah.

Sarah, I commend you on your skills because in a moment of excruciating pain, instead of screaming or breaking the china when he tells you that, honey, it's all over, I don't want to be in a committed relationship when things are going well and you don't anticipate this, you went into listening mode, and you drew him out. He's crying, which indicates that it's sad, that he does value you, and it's a loss. He's telling you that freedom is his top value and that it was damaged by his ex-wife, and so he's afraid that that's going to interfere again. You asked if he found that you prevented him from moving forward, if like you were doing, if he experienced you as controlling, and he says no. And you also asked him if he wanted to date other people. Now that was very good detective work on your side. So commend yourself for that. The question to ask yourself is, were there any signs? Why did you not see this coming? Did he hide it and then spring it on you? What does that tell you about him? What you need to do at this point is, you can't force his mind. You need to take him at face value. He doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. But I would give yourself maybe a month or two cushion to try to see, while still backing off. You don't want to pursue him because then he will feel controlled and he won't have his freedom. But back off a little bit to see, but stay available in case he does turn around. That doesn't mean that you can't still go on a date with someone else, but stay in the loop with him. Stay connected with him and see if he has some time to process this. If he doesn't change his opinion, here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Can you, uh, can you come here? Look, I don't care what you did for me. What's wrong?

I don't think I want to know you anymore. All you do is make me feel bad about myself.

All you do is make me feel bad about myself. That's from As Good As It Gets. Have you been in a relationship where the person makes you feel worse about yourself, and you feel like nothing's ever enough, whether it's a romantic relationship or an alleged romantic relationship or a relationship with a boss? You never feel good about yourself; you feel worse about yourself, and it's not reality-based. This person just focuses on the negative. Or whether it's with a parent, where you just don't feel good about yourself, or maybe you're in the other shoes. Maybe you're in the shoes of the person who's not making somebody feel good about themselves. You fit. You know that you nitpick. You know that you always taunt them and focus on the negatives. Why are you doing that?

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

What do you do when differences cannot be resolved, when your partner is consistently irrational, and it is not a momentary anomaly? Seriously consider divorce on moral grounds. You have a moral obligation to yourself and to your children to leave. Take some time to plan a safe exit strategy. Seek professional guidance from a psychologist, if necessary. If your abusive partner threatens to leave, don't stop him. He will feel in control, and it will make your separation safer. You never have to be stuck with an irrational partner.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.