The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com.

Heather, you're wanting to get back into the dating scene.

Yeah, tell me what's going on. Well, I'm interested in getting back into the dating scene and maybe start doing some dating again. I took a little hiatus for a while, and I'm very blessed in that I look very healthy and I look very physically fit.

How about you?

I actually am in my early 30s, okay, and but I'm actually not healthy. I don't have anything terminal or contagious, but I do have health problems that can be quite limiting day to day, and I'm just not sure how to address this tactfully on the bio portion of the online dating site. I don't want to be deceptive, and I also don't want to just say everything and scare somebody?

Okay, so it's a mixed bag. Do you want to give me the category of the problem? Are you uncomfortable with that?

Well, it would be autoimmune. I have problems with my intestine. Okay, so it would be like autoimmune, and it also affects my low back. So I have pain in my back, pain and fatigue, I suppose.

So, pain and fatigue. And how does that limit you? Are you not able to work?

I'm on disability right now. Yeah. And you know what? You know, what always throws people is that I look the epitome of health, yeah, but I go through, you know, times throughout the day when I just have to lay down, yeah, but it sounds like you can function other times during the day.

Exactly. And my guess is, since you're in your 30s, how long have you had this for?

Oh, about a decade. Oh, for 10 years. So my guess is, you've tried things. That's what I was about to say, yeah, that you've, what have you tried?

Well, I'm on, you know, a completely holistic, organic diet. I've gotten off all kinds of Western medicine, and I'm all on Eastern herbs and cleanses and so forth.

Okay, that's the problem. Have you ever heard there's a radio? When I actually was on the Western approach?

Yeah.

I was not to be morbid or anything, but I was dying. My mother actually was contacting people for my funeral. I was actually dying. My T cells were so low. As soon as I got off of all the medication and stopped bombarding my body with chemicals, I started to rally.

And you're in a rallying right now. You're in a rallying period.

I'm improving, but slowly.

Okay, well, at least you're in the right direction, right? So you could, I think it's totally legitimate to just say some health concerns that are limiting, but the big that raises a question in someone's mind. So if you were to, let's say that you meet a guy who's got the same problem that you have, and you're reading his bio, what would you and let's say he's a dynamite match for you. He's a perfect match for you. How would you want him to phrase what he has in his bio on the online sites?

Well, I would definitely want to find out if it was terminal or contagious. Okay, that would be a must. So and, yeah, oh, so the two questions, terminal or contagious, you need to somehow indicate that, okay, let them know it's neither of the two, right?

And we'll figure out how to phrase that in a moment. But what else would you like him to say that would make you feel like he's totally not deceptive? He's giving you a clear picture without catastrophizing, without scaring you.

That's where I'm stumped. Past there, I don't know how to word it, yeah, right in the middle. I don't know how to be honest, but not be scare someone. I just don't know how to do it.

You could say that, hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

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I don't know how to be honest, but not be scare someone. I just don't know how to do it. You could say that I have some health activity. I have some, excuse me, I have some health problems that limit what activities I can do, such as I'm unable to ski. You know, you could indicate something or what else are you unable to do?

What I can do. I'm sorry. I'm writing it down. I have some health problems that are limiting, because you don't have to put your whole history online. If once you make contact, then the person can ask you some questions, because you have a back and forth before you actually meet, right?

Do you suggest I don't state it early on and let it date someone for a little bit, and then, if it's going well, then tell them?

I would indicate that you have some see again, you don't want to be deceptive. You don't want to waste their time. You don't want the experience of yourself, of having deceived, having deceived someone else, and yet you don't want to rule out somebody that's a potential.

So if you said, I have some health problems that limit me to a quieter lifestyle. But and then mentioned some things that you are able to do that are active. What can you do? Because I can't, I don't have a picture of what you can do right now. So if I were a guy thinking of dating you, my big question would be, what are you able to do? Would you be able to take a walk with me? Would you be able to go to the park with me? Could we go on a sailboat in the summer?

I can't sit for long periods of time because of the back problem.

Oh, so how many people do you think have lower? But is it a lower back problem?

It's intestinal, and which goes into my back?

Okay, so if you say that I've got some back problems, how many people do you think share back problems?

I'm raising my hand. Quite a few.

I'm raising right, and there are periods of time, there are periods in my life when I've had to crawl out of bed just to go to the bathroom in the morning, until my body kind of gets up and going now, now I don't have the same problem you have. So I've been at the gym. For me, I just, I looked a lot fitter than I was, so I had to go to I didn't have to, but I gave myself the birthday gift of going to the gym regularly. And I now, I now match on the outside. I mean, on the inside more what I look like on the outside.

But you're not able to do that. You said, Do you think any of it's anxiety-driven? Because sometimes when people have intestinal problems, you know, you're mentioning it's an autoimmune disease. Could it also be anxiety like irritable bowel syndrome?

Well, it's more severe than irritable bowel.

Okay, okay. It would be termed as inflammatory bowel disease.

Okay? Oh, you might even, I mean to me, that's not that doesn't turn me off right away. I would want to know what it was. But you could just say that I have some stomach problems and some back problems that are more of, you know, are something that I'm working to over to I'm working whether you could do, you know, phrase it in layman terms, and that may work.

So I think that you can go ahead and I give you courage for wanting to date again and get back into the scene. And it sounds like you also want to mention that you are on disability, but give an idea of what you do do with your life, assuming that you have a purposeful life, that would be important to underscore. These are my interests.

So focus on the positives. Mention the negatives. But if the positives are strong enough, the person will at least investigate, and that's what you want.

Okay, so thank you so much for your call.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Heather.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

When should you compromise and how do you do so fairly? It's important that partners resolve conflicts promptly, fairly, and respectfully. Conflicts can often be settled by compromise. We use the word compromise here to mean collaborative resolutions in which both parties get at least some part of what they want. Sometimes they can be creative solutions in which both parties get almost everything they want. We are talking about practical compromises, not moral compromises.

By talking and brainstorming with your partner, you can make a list of possibilities and then work to find the one that works best for both of you.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.