The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Ayanna, you're having some difficulty with somebody who's not always right, and you want to know how to deal with them.

Yeah. Well, you know, basically I was really it took me a long time to get the question right, okay, but this person is a very difficult person to deal with. I'm not the only person that he's frequently wrong. I'm wondering if, in fact, he has selective hearing or amnesia, and I'm just not sure how to deal with him.

Okay, is he at work? Or are you married to him? Or relation? Did you?

We're in a living relationship, okay?

And by living you mean you live together, and it's a romantic partnership.

Yes, ma'am.

Okay. And tell me what goes on. What are you observing? Because you're, I think your question is, is this a memory problem, or is he just avoiding me, or is he clueless? Or I'm curious if he's avoiding a lot of things. For one, like when we have a discussion, he frequently forgets what he says to me, and then later in the conversation, if it comes up again, it's not exactly what we talked about. I don't think it's a problem with memory, if you will. I think it's a character flaw. Sounds terrible to say, but yeah, I mean, he'll argue me down about something he is so wrong about. He's not correct at all, and I'm just at a standpoint with him where I feel like it's pulling teeth just to get him to communicate. If he says I'm a bad communicator, and I don't think that's true either, but I'm sure what to do.

Okay, so you're saying he forgets sometimes. I can forget what my husband tells me, or he can forget what I've told him, and that's because we're really focused on something else. We may be answering an email and we're only half listening, and we give out that. You know how you can say, yeah, yeah, I hear you, but you don't hear the person. So sometimes it's just that you've lost focus and you're not intending any harm at all. Sometimes it's not so much that you lost focus, but the person isn't important to you. See, if you've ever been with somebody and they start telling you about their grandmother's hernia, I don't know, they start telling you something, and you tune out. Your eyes up, I'm not listening, and you tune out, and you can still look like you're tracking them. You go, Aha, aha, aha. And the person thinks that you are so into this hernia that you're just you want to know every graphic detail. And the fact is, is that your mind is elsewhere. You're planning a shopping list, or you're planning what TV show you're going to watch.

So sometimes it's more that you're not that important, or what you're talking about is boring to the person. And so that's why one of the listening skills, or one of the both listening and speaking skills, this would actually be a speaking skill, Ayanna would be to occasionally say, Did you hear me, or are you following me? Not as a Did you hear me? You know, not with that edge in your voice, but it's just seeing if they're tracking me. Or did you get what I just said? Or what did you hear me just say? And if the person repeats it, they're more likely to have encoded it, meaning to retain it. So it could just be, as you say, a character flaw that he's not focused, if it's on something that's really important, like, Were you drinking again, or did you sleep with her? I'm pulling out some contentious ones, and the person is going, Oh, I don't know what you're talking about. Or they just look like they're it could be, it could be much more than not just a character flaw, but it could be that they're dishonest. I mean, that is a character flaw, but I'm coming up to and so what is he saying that where you think the person is dishonest, and that is called evasion. They're pushing away. They're pushing you away. They're pushing away areas that they don't want to discuss, and they don't want to...

I will give you an example, and not to cut you off, and I'm we're highly into it right now. When Thursday we are, we are motorcycle riders, and we do a lot together. There are times where I know every person wants to have private time, so I wait for him to invite me instead of inviting myself to go along. And it seems as if I don't know, maybe we're at a place now where. But if I don't ask, and then he seems like he doesn't, you know, want me to go, which is not a problem, because I find a lot of other things to fill up my time. But nevertheless, he says we're not going to go somewhere. And then he gets dressed in front of me and shaves his face and gets all dressed. And I don't think it's another woman that I'm almost sure of, but I'm just not sure what it is. He gets dressed, and then he comes over and he says, Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

I'm just not sure what it is. He gets dressed, and then he comes over and he says, I'm going to go ahead and go over there for a little bit, and I'll be back in, you know, in a few hours or so. And now I'm thinking, when he well? And then he said, is that okay? You know, is what's wrong? You know, immediately he's accusing me of, I can't even act like there's something wrong. Before I even get it out, he's like, what's wrong? And I'm like, oh, you know, there is nothing wrong, darling. You know, I'm just kind of dancing. I mean, he is really, you know, upset when he's getting, not getting the response from me that he wants. It doesn't even matter if it's true to me, but it's what he wants to hear.

What does he want to hear?

I'm not sure. I don't think that he would be ready for the truth that I think that it's really dishonest and a little bit cruel to tell someone we've been invited together, and then say, Oh, I'm just gonna go over here. Instead of saying, you know, I'm just gonna ride with the fellas today. And you know, then I know off top. But now it's like, well, I don't, it's not my fault that you're upset that and I'm not really not upset, is what. He doesn't know it's not my father. You're upset because, okay, changed my mind.

So there's a skill that I use in therapy sometimes, and this isn't therapy. This is just passing this along, which is who's in the room, meaning, if I, let's say that I snap at my husband, and we have a really good relationship. So this is just pretend example here, but let's say that I snap at him and it doesn't match the situation. Let's see he was just opening the fridge, and I snap at him and he gets, you know, Where's that coming from, and I might say it's nothing, or I might just make something up. And if he said to, if a therapist said to me, Ellen, who was in the room at that time, and I said, Oh, my God, I remember when my sisters used to do this, or when my mother or my father or my uncle used to do this, you know, who's in the room? It could be an injury from the past, and he's responding maybe. You said, How old are you? I'm 37. Okay, so you're not, you're not starting out in life, meaning, right? You have some history. Both of you, I'm assuming he's a little older too. You both have some history under your bed, right? So meaning that if, if it's, and I know we only have a few seconds left, but if it's the case where, where he's just snapping at you, but it isn't really you. It's some from something in his past. You could share that with him. You could say, you know, I noticed that you say What's wrong to me right away, and nothing's wrong. Help me understand where that's coming from. Draw him out. Try to one. Let him feel comfortable explaining that and then give him a direction. So you know, it'd be better if you said I'd prefer to drive along with the guys. That's fine to say honey and see if that works at all.

Okay, listen, thank you so much for the call, and I wish you some wonderful motorcycle rides with or without him.

And thank you and have a good evening.

Okay, you too. Bye, bye.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Now, speak to me, I love you, yes. Speak to me of love. I love you. Now, be eloquent, be brilliant for me. I love you very much. I ask for cream and you give me milk and water. I adore you, and giving praise is very hard. Have you ever been tongue-tied that way when you really admire somebody, or you really are falling in love with somebody, and you want to be able to express that, and you get totally tongue-tied? Or you love your kids, and you want to express that to them in a way that doesn't sound dull, it doesn't sound dry, it doesn't sound just like a throwaway I love you. You know it's got that flat feel; you want to be able to tell them something special about them, something specific. I love the way that you're so generous with your toys. All right. Love that you are honest with me when it's difficult to do that, honey. You know, you want to be able to have that skill. And that drop was from Cyrano de Bergerac, a very good movie if you haven't seen that. And this is the from the original version.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke. One way to actively and respectfully listen to your partner is to put yourself in each other's shoes. If you are upset because your partner forgot to pay the electric bill, imagine how you'd feel if the tables were turned. This helps you empathize with his or her feelings. Help your partner focus on the essential issue. If he or she is meandering, refocus your partner by gently asking, what is your main concern, or how would you sum up the problem? If your partner is angry, hurt, or sad, you want to acknowledge the strong emotions or non-verbal messages you seem to feel strongly about this, or I noticed you just went, what exactly are you feeling?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.