The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. So let's turn to that topic right now, romance. This is from Trina:

Dear Dr. Kenner,

For the past year, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, Carl. It's a relationship built on trust and respect. It's been long distance for about half that time. Carl looks at porn and nudity, which I believe detracts from the specialness of my nudity. I feel like I'm not good enough if he has to look at other women, even though I do send him all kinds of nude pictures of myself. It hurts me very, very much. Carl has agreed to try and transition to it being me. He mostly, if not exclusively, looks at... How can I reconcile this in myself without resorting to breaking up with a great guy?

Tina

Tina, first, you want to ask, are there any other difficulties, and what's the situation with the long-distance relationship? Because you'd hate to put a lot of effort into this if you see that it's not going to work; the distance is too much, and there's no chance in the future for either of us moving. If that's the case, you don't have to put a whole lot of effort into this. However, you might want to do it privately for yourself because you're not alone. There are many, many women who feel like they've been objectified or that they feel less important to their partner when they wake up, maybe in the middle of the night, and when their partner is least suspecting it, find that their partner is no longer in bed beside them but at the computer, looking at porn or maybe watching porn on the TV. That type of pattern is common, and it's certainly not healthy.

Obviously, the sneakiness is a major problem, and often it feels to the woman like their partner is cheating on them. So before I go a little further on that and the role of erotica, let's talk about erotica. First, the type of erotica that you are attracted to really matters. So when you say porn and nudity that Carl is attracted to, I don't know what to think because it covers a vast territory. There's sexy erotica, there's healthy erotica, and it's very good for couples to incorporate this into their love life because it gives them both pleasure, and it gives an individual pleasure too.

For example, you could take Playboy, or there's a movie, Dangerous Beauty, that isn't meant to be an erotic film, but man, there are some pretty sexy moments in that film. That type of pornography is not what I would call porn. Nudity itself ranges from what you know, at the very mild, and you would not be upset if he's in a museum and he's looking at famous paintings of, you know, it happens to be a nude woman on Venus de Milo, or some Venus on a clamshell, or something, you know, a sexy woman or partially nude. That type of nudity, or pin-ups that are very well done, or centerfolds in Playboy, for example. If that type of nudity, or Playgirl, if you like that, that type of nudity is just admiration of the human body and the sensuality too.

But there is also nudity that's done deliberately, deliberately to offend. It's tasteless, it's disgusting. And you want to find out what is Carl attracted to? Is it the seedier and the abusive type of what we—what you're calling porn and nudity? Or is it just that he likes the sensuality and that's what he's been accustomed to, that's his preferred method before he met you maybe, or when he's alone, of enjoying himself? So if it is the seedier type of porn, you do want to ask, what is it? What does it say about him? What does it say about his view of romance or sex? And it doesn't mean you have to part; it means it can open up the conversation between you, so both of you can decide what you're at home with, what you're not at home with, and what your thoughts are about nudity and erotica.

So I want to now turn to you...

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

I want to now turn to you, Trina, because it's really important to understand how you feel about yourself as a sexual partner. If you feel, as you've said, that Carl's watching porn and nudity means that he doesn't find you good enough, that is huge. Because if that's the interpretation of his actions, and maybe that's true—if that's true, that you're not good enough, that he always has to have a wandering eye, and maybe it's not just porn. Maybe he fantasizes about being with all sorts of other women and actually acts on it. You know, that is a problem with Carl, and that's a problem with the relationship, obviously.

But if you fundamentally feel inadequate about yourself in the area of intimacy, of sex, you want to first think about: is there something I would like to improve in myself apart from Carl? Do I want to feel sexy, or do I want to enjoy romance more? So then you want to also be aware that there are a lot of discrepancies between partners, and sometimes it causes one partner to doubt themselves. For example, if one partner has a bigger appetite for sex, the other partner can feel less than, like I'm not good enough because I don't want to do it three times a day. You do send him photos of yourself nude, so my guess is you do enjoy your sensuality. You do have some openness there, but please take care. You don't want these—if you're sending them on Facebook or something, please be aware that they may not be as private as you think.

So Carl has told you that he's going to try to run the experiment of changing his fantasizing patterns so that you're mostly the star in them. And that's fine. You can try that. You can also work on talking with him to see what he's doing, what goes through his mind when he's looking at this, the porn, and see if you're calling it porn. I'd rather call it erotica, or I'm assuming it's a bit on the better side. And you want to figure out, is there a way you can both use it to enhance your experiences together, your sexuality? You don't have to force yourself to do that.

Can you enjoy erotica for yourself, and how does he feel about you? Maybe he needs to give you more sexual visibility so that you feel that he really does value you sexually. And you have said he's a great guy who cares about you a lot. So maybe if you learn how to talk about this openly and lovingly and supportively and really listen to one another, it may change your ideas, both of you, and then this will be a non-issue in that case.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Kenner and Locke. Here are some examples of poor communication:

"You are so rude," "You are so messy," "You're a big know-it-all." These insults may be even a little more biting: "You're an idiot," "You're a loser," "You're useless," "What a jerk you are." When such statements are thrown at you, your mind automatically signals a warning alarm: I am under attack. The attacked partner may immediately withdraw in hurt, shock, and frustration, or they may counterattack, blaming the attacker for any and all problems. Instead of mutually exploring your differences or working to clarify misunderstandings, your mental energy is consumed battling one another. Real communication ceases, and nothing gets resolved. Such battles can also end in withdrawal, emotional distance, and even estrangement.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and at Amazon.com.