The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is an email I received from someone.

And have you ever been married or know someone who's been married for a long time and things have been pretty good, but, yeah, that your eye wanders a little bit and you find someone who you think is amazing? What do you do in that situation? This is from Tony, a male.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. I have a lovely wife of over 22 years, and we've shared many adventures together. For example, five years of traveling around the states. Linda and I have great memories to relish. However, we're mismatched. She's not very intellectual, and I'm interested in discussing important ideas.

Two years ago, I met an amazing young lady half my age. Megan is highly educated and is very interested in discussing ideas. She's vivacious, she runs her own business, and she's also a dancer. She's attractive yet geeky. We became fast friends and have enjoyed being together quite a lot. I kind of think of her as my mistress without benefits. Given the value she represents and the values we share, I have developed quite a strong emotional attachment to Megan, even more so than to my wife, Linda.

At first, I thought I must do something to undermine how I feel about this young woman, but my current plan is to strive to re-energize my relationship with my wife, under the assumption that I can continue to enjoy this very close friendship with Megan as long as I keep my wife on a higher plane.

Two months ago, I got my wife to join me in doing some daily exercises, and though it is a bit out of my own comfort zone, I'm trying to get her to join me in learning Argentine Tango. Is this line of thought sensible? Anything else I can do to boost the passion for my wife beyond that of this young woman? Should I seek to undermine that passion for the young woman? If so, how?

Tony.

Tony, you want to have some empathy for yourself because, you know, anyone in a marriage for 20 years can feel like things just become dull, dry, and boring. And my guess is, if I spoke to Linda, your wife, she might say, "Yeah, he's a good guy, but it doesn't have that fire, that charge when we initially met."

And how to keep that fire alive, how to keep your marriage, what they call revitalized, or keep that fire going, takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of effort, and I'll tell you, most people don't do it. So the question is, when you meet someone outside of a marriage, which is normal, you meet somebody, maybe it's at work, maybe it's at a family gathering, you meet someone that catches your eyes and you just feel that chemistry.

What do you do in that moment? Do you grow that relationship in a couple manner, where you and the person get together and your partner also gets to know the person? Or do you grow it in a non-couple manner unilaterally, you getting together with this sweet young thing, Megan? If you do that, you run the risk of, ha, of what's happening in your situation—not just friends. You get this strong emotional bond with that person, or, as you put it, a mistress without benefits.

So what are your options? At this point, you're examining them, and your first line is to think of, "Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance."

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, "The Selfish Path to Romance," a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So what are your options? At this point, you're examining them, and your first line is to think of, "Can I bring back that fire to my relationship with my wife?" So you're running on that experiment right now. That's what we call them in psychology. You're running an experiment to bring more past passion into your marriage.

I kind of doubt your motive, though, because it sounds like you never want to let go of Megan, and my guess is, from what my own understanding and doing therapy for many years, that that's a very unstable situation. My guess is, if Linda knew all of the facts, she would—Linda, your wife—would not be happy with it.

So here are some thoughts that have crossed my mind with your first experiment, which is working to rekindle, to wake up your marriage, to rekindle the fire in it. If Linda, your wife, is joining you in daily exercises willingly, if she's bringing back some life into the marriage herself, if she can, if she loves Argentine Tango, that is great.

However, if she feels pressured to have to go to the gym with you to try to fix the marriage and to try to hang on to the relationship by doing this cockamamie thing you've come up with, Argentine Tango, if she feels like she has to do it just to keep you, that's not healthy. That's not working together.

And my eyebrow, I raised my eyebrow when I saw Argentine Tango because isn't Megan a dancer? Are you really learning this for your wife?

The second point is, do you want to remain married? You want to be very honest with yourself. If you're ambivalent, please explore your ambivalence. You can even go to a therapist to do that.

The third thing is, have you talked openly with your wife about the conflict? Does she know that for the past two years you have had an emotional affair with Megan, with this younger woman half your age? And what is your wife's experience of this? Does she know the depth of your feelings for her? If you've been honest with her, ask her what her solutions would be.

My guess is she's already told you. If you've not been honest with her, ask yourself, why are you trying to have your cake and eat it too? You know you're not going to have more intimacy in the marriage if your mind keeps wandering elsewhere.

Another point is you asked, should you seek to undermine your passion with Megan? Well, you feel what you feel. You can be realistic about it. Many times in an affair, we fantasize and think that everything's hunky-dory, whereas what you want to do is think, "Well, how would it work out? Does she want to be married to me if she's half my age? Would she be attracted to someone younger? Maybe there are things you don't like about her."

She's a chain smoker or just has some mannerism or something. You want to really do some careful thinking about that so you don't live in a fantasy world. And then you always have the right to divorce.

I recommend, we have a chapter in our book, The Selfish Path to Romance, how to love with passion and reason with Ed Lock, a book I've written, how to part ways if you cease being soul mates. So you can read the whole book. That should help. You can get it at DrKenner.com.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, and my show is The Rational Basis of Happiness. It's an opportunity for you to figure out where your strengths are. What are you doing right in your life? Most people just focus on their problems, and also where are those difficulties? And with the goal not to just simmer in your difficulties, not just to say, "Oh, well, that's the way life is. I guess I have a bad lot in life," but to figure out the beginning steps of how to turn that around for yourself so you can enjoy your life.

So that you can see your own mind addressing problems that need tending to. And when you do that, guess what emotion you feel? You feel pride, as opposed to sweeping it under the rug and just saying, "Oh, well, it's just me. I can't change. What's the use? Why bother? Who cares?"

Or "I can't have a relationship," or "I can't, I can never get ahead in life. You know, my brother can, my friends can, but it's just me. I can't find a partner." You know the story; we all talk to ourselves that way at times, and we're not being our own best friend.

And you do want to turn that around. So my number is, if you want to call me, toll-free, 1-877-Dr-Kenner. Again, I'm a clinical psychologist, and you can also visit my website, DrKenner.com, where I have books I recommend, and one that I've written with Dr. Ed Lock on romance that you can check out, and articles that I've written and podcasts that you can listen to.

Again, again, that's DrKenner.com. For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

A major source of friction is when partners violate the trade relationship. The refusal of a partner or partners to trade, even in everyday actions, will be perceived as unfair, a breakdown of the give and take in the relationship. And the trade involves more than just love. It also applies to character and to everyday relations between partners.

Let's say that partners need two incomes to pay the bills. Both have agreed to work, but one partner now refuses to seriously look for a job, preferring to live off the efforts of the other. In addition to being unjust, the partner's refusal to work after promising to do so lacks integrity.

When the trade principle is violated, tensions quickly rise. There is a feeling of betrayal and injustice by the partner who is getting the raw end of the deal. You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.