The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor kenner.com

Lisa, you have a narcissistic boyfriend.
I do believe so, yeah, yeah, tell me what's going on.
Well, the first year was great. He was really attentive and that sort of thing. And then I discovered he was texting another friend of his that he's known for about 20 years. And, yeah, he turned it around. It was sort of, it wasn't my fault he did it. But he was, oh, you know, it's nothing. And she said it was nothing. And then from that point on, I couldn't really trust him. But then after that, after we got back together, he sort of brought on another whole self, like he was more sexually explicit, and he was, you know, using terms for sex that you know, you see in the, you know, movies.

Okay, okay, thing anyway, so has he been indulging in those movies?
Well, I don't know, okay, but something has changed. You're observing definitely. He'll make plans, and he won't show up, and he has decided not to talk to a daughter of his, and he blames the mother for it. She wants to move far away. And in the spring, possibly. Anyway, anyway, he goes into these pity party modes, and he won't, he'll totally ignore me, or he won't, he just won't bother, you know? And I got looking up narcissism, and I thought, you know, it is all about him. He does turn it around. He doesn't consider my feelings at all. And when I mentioned something, he said, you try and lose your children and see how you feel. You're not very understanding, you know. And I've changed weekends, you know. I've done everything I can for him, okay, but he doesn't really consider my feelings at all. And, you know, one time we were talking at end, and two months ago he was going to Ireland to move, yeah, and then now he wants to. He mentioned last week of it moving in and having children. He wants six children. I'm 36 years old, one with each woman.

Okay, so what I'm hearing is that you are no longer infatuated with him. You are no longer thinking of him as the love of your life, that you are in the driver's seat in your own life, sitting back Lisa, evaluating him and saying, "Man, you know, something. It started off nice. The first year, he was attentive, he was nice. I felt that emotional connection with him, like he would never say, 'I want to you,' you know, yeah, like, very romantic."

And, and then all of a sudden, this, and so now you've got mystery man, and he is not being open with you, and you know that he broke the trust when he was texting a woman. And you can have, I'm assuming it was a woman. You can have a female partner, you can have other friends, conditionally, provided that it doesn't damage the relationship. How do you make that occur?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish path to romance, that is interesting.

You can have a female partner. You can have other friends conditionally, provided that it doesn't damage the relationship. How do you make that occur? Will you invite your partner in? You say, "Would you like, I would love to go out with Betsy, and I think you'd enjoy her company too," assuming he's not forcing you, but you guys share an interest in XYZ. You know, you both love to, and he helps.

I'm pretty old-fashioned. Yeah, you know, I'm like monogamy for sure.
Oh, well that. Oh no. I didn't mean sexually. I meant that you always run into my husband and I have been married for how many years? I think it's 49. I lose track. And if we have a wonderful, wonderful marriage, and we do not have outside best friends, like singular best friends, and that has worked magnificently for us. We have friends that we get together with, but we don't say, "Oh, I'm going to, you know, I don't say I'm getting together with my good friend Joe," what not, and spending the day with him and sharing my intimate life with him. I don't mean sexual, but just emotionally intimate. We don't bring it outside of our immediate bond, and now many people do, but when you do, there are rules to do that to go by, which is that you include your partner, you make sure it's okay with your partner, you deal with any partner's fears.

So it isn't that he couldn't keep a friend from long ago, that he has to isolate himself. It's that you don't do it in a way that's damaging to your primary soulmate, to your primary bond. And he has a huge fear of commitment. And I have to wonder if that's what the problem is. As soon as he gets close, he backs right off, and then he goes on dating sites.

Well, isn't it better that you find out now than after settling down and having six kids at the age of 36? So let me get, let me first just, I wrote a book with Dr. Ed Lock that I think is a must get in this situation. But let me just read you our part on narcissism. We, if you have some, if you're with somebody who just feels like they're always superior to you, that they've got this sense of grandiosity. They need constant attention. It's all about them. They can, you know, they show off a bit. They've got fantasies of unlimited success. They envy other people. They exploit others. They don't have empathy where they should have empathy, and they have feelings of entitlement. This should come my way, and so it isn't a relationship of equals. It's not a mute, there's not a mutual you rub my back, I rub yours. We both feel great in this marriage.

No, this is definitely...
In my friends will say, "Lisa, you haven't been with him very long. Why are you?"
Yeah, why are you, oh, hung up on him, I guess because, you know, we did the family thing.

And I don't know what do you mean, you did the family thing?
Well, he came, he visited me every weekend, and he brought his daughter, and we were like a family unit. Oh, so you and I sold my house and actually moved closer to him because I live in...

So, this is so hard, Lisa, when you've invested a lot of time and energy and emotion and really your whole future. You painted this picture of you being together as a family unit, you know, integrating his daughter into it. So it's really hard to let go of the good parts of the relationship and all your dreams and still keep your hope alive that you can have a good relationship in the future.

So I know we're winding down on time, so let me just tell you at the very... The book, my... the book that we wrote is going to sound narcissistic, but believe me, it's anything but. You don't want to be a doormat in a relationship, and you don't want to be a me-only person. You want to be self-valuing. You want to have self-esteem, self-nurturing. You want to for sure.

So the book, the title is The Selfish Path to Romance. That's why I'm smiling, how to love with passion and reason. And we talk at the end of the book, in our appendix, how to part ways if you cease being soul mates and start over again. It's a lovely short section that walks you through nine steps, and I know we're down to the last couple of seconds here, but you identify the reasons you're considering a divorce. You identify barriers keeping you in an unhappy relationship. You make the final decision, you break the news to your partner, you set up an atmosphere of respect, you go public with family and friends, you make an action plan, and you learn how to live independently and seek romance again.

So listen, I want to thank you so much for the call. It doesn't sound like you are a match made in heaven, and read our book, because you'll also discover how to get how to find a partner and make it work. Okay? Thank you.
You're very welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.
No, don't ever hire an architect who is a genius. I don't like geniuses. They're dangerous. How's that? A man able and his brothers insults them by implication. He must not aspire to any virtue which cannot be shared, and that's from The Fountainhead. That is the villain in The Fountainhead exposing himself, saying that he doesn't want any geniuses to be hired, because if somebody is better than anyone else, it makes everyone else feel inferior.

Really? Think again. Think of your own heroes, don't they inspire you? Isn't that another way to look at this that you want great people in the world? You want the great minds in the world. You want people who are better than you at surgery. I am not... I'm not a surgeon. I want someone who excels in surgery, so when they operate on me, I can get better health. And I want someone who's very good at designing cars, much better than I am, so I drive in a safe car, and then I can trade what I do with them, and that's wonderful.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. Some conflict is inevitable in all relationships, even though you may be similar to your partner in many fundamental respects. Inevitably there will be differences in beliefs, values, interests, preferences, tastes, habits, attitudes, and personality traits. Partners will differ in communication skills and styles and in habitual methods of thinking. Sometimes differences are a source of interest and excitement. For example, an introverted partner may admire how an extroverted mate is so at ease in social situations, or one's partner's interests stimulate the development of similar interests in the other, and many differences that conflict with one's own preferences can be ignored if they are not important enough to make an issue of.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.