The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here is a question I received from Jeanette. Hi, Dr. Kenner, my husband, Frank, is 37 years old, and we've been married for two years. Although he has a degree in graphic design, he spends most of his time watching TV. He's been smoking pot since he was 15 years old. When we met, he was smoking excessively in the mornings, noons, evenings, and even at night. I forced him to quit. He did it for me. Now he rarely smokes, but I've noticed that he fears working—a kind of social phobia. He has not had a regular job in years. He does gig jobs, selling some graphic art, and earns a small amount. He doesn't seem to care because his mother pays for his rent, his insurance, his electricity, his gas, etc. They share an account, and he withdraws whatever money he needs. He doesn't like feeling dependent on his mother, but he does nothing to change this. He just sits and watches TV all the time. He refuses to limit his TV watching, and he rarely completes any projects or daily errands. He does nothing for himself. He does run a few errands, and he cooks for me and his mom, and he's willing to do that, but when it comes to himself, nothing. He has no passion for anything, no future plans. I do not want to have a child with him. How can I help him? I would be very appreciative if you could give me some advice or guide me. Thank you, Jeanette.

Jeanette, I think you're guiding yourself. I think by putting these thoughts down and having a moment to reflect on them, you are making a decision. Oh my gosh. I don't know if I want this to be the father of my child. I don't know if this is working as a partnership. It certainly is not working. You could not call this romantic love, and certainly, you do not have to be imprisoned in a bad relationship and one that's not working for you.

So the question you're asking is how to help him, and I will give a few tips in a moment on social phobia. But what's even more important than that, Jeanette, is focusing on yourself. Don't make Frank's mistake. He's 37 years old, he's got a degree, and he's living off of his mother, and he's doing nothing to change it. He's got a purposeless life. And you are exactly right; you nailed the main issue on the head. When you say he does nothing for himself, he is not valuing himself, and it's too bad because it affects you too, and that's not fair.

So you cannot force his mind; for whatever reason, he did listen to you, and he quit smoking pot, but notice he's not listening to you anymore. He's watching TV all the time, and he won't limit it, and you don't want to put yourself in the role of being a nag, of being someone that says, "Come on, turn off the TV, get to work." That's not a lifestyle that I certainly would enjoy, and I'm certain you wouldn't either, because you're writing this. You're reaching out.

So he may be in a dependency trap. He may have a passionless life. You don't have to have that. You want to figure out a way to first talk with him, see if things are workable, see if he'd go to therapy, see if he would get the help if he just laughs at you or says, "No way, José." And if he, even though he doesn't like being dependent on his mom, just says "too bad," then what can you do? You could recommend a book. Maybe he's too embarrassed to go to therapy.

There are books, and I'm sitting with one right here that says 10 Simple Solutions to Shyness: How to Overcome Shyness, Social Anxiety, and Fear of Public Speaking. Well, if you think it's some anxiety, you know he certainly could change the way he thinks. He could work on some cognitive therapy skills. I would certainly recommend cognitive therapy. He could change how to deal with rejection. He could learn how to develop goals.

But at the age of 37, there's some other mystery. There's some story behind why he's throwing away his life. You know, it could be partly just that he's gotten into this rut and doesn't know how to get out of it. He doesn't know how to value himself or maybe feels too guilty to value himself since he's 37 years old and isn't living independently. So he can learn skills. There are many books—that's just one little sampler—but he could get that help.

More importantly, you are reaching out. You want ideas on how to move on. So one of the things you can do for yourself is get some therapy for yourself, even if it's individual therapy. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and Jeanette, you can look up Academy of CT.org—that's Academy of Cognitive Therapy.org—and find a therapist in your neck of the woods.

And then you can also get the book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke. In the appendix, we talk about how to part ways if you cease being soul mates. And you know, you have to go over all of the reasons that you're considering. Maybe you don't want a child with him. Maybe you want to leave the relationship. You want to give yourself time to really process those thoughts privately, not with him.

This is—you know, you can go to a coffee shop and write and then throw away the papers if you think he'll find them. But you want to be able to process your thoughts. Then you want to be able to process, "Hey, what's keeping me here?" Maybe you've got all family ties. Maybe you're financially tied to the mother also, and maybe you feel afraid of being alone. Or maybe there's some nostalgia when you first met two years ago. It was good.

It's not a long-term marriage, though, so you have a right to part ways. You want to do it thoughtfully. And there are some very good books. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com, and look up those books. The book that I've written with Dr. Ed Locke talks about how to value yourself in a relationship and to cherish the other partner, assuming that the other partner is lovable.

We talk about conflict resolution. We talk about making yourself lovable. We talk about what it takes to keep a partnership going over the years. And again, as I said in the appendix, we talk about how to part ways. So that book—and we also talk about intimacy, sex. Of course, that book is excellent. You can get that at Amazon.com. It's got a provocative title of Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner. Personal differences can cause recurring conflicts. This is obvious in the case of big issues such as sex, spending money, choosing where to live, the amount of time spent together, the time spent with relatives, dividing up household chores, whether to have children, and if so, how many and how to raise them.

But they can also be recurring conflicts over small issues such as how to load the dishwasher, where to leave the dirty clothes, and when to pay bills. Seemingly small issues often become larger if they keep recurring and if neither party is willing to change or simply let it go. Sometimes chronic conflict over small issues, cleaning up the den, spending too much time on the computer with friends, is camouflaging a much deeper conflict that both partners are afraid to address.

You can download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.