The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance.
Download chapter one for free at DoctorKenner.com and Amazon.com.

It's about my girlfriend. My problem is I don't know if I love her for herself or because things are so great between us physically.

Well, how long you two been together?

Six years. Sex is still that good?

Oh man, every morning, night, three times a day on weekends. I'm not sure we have much else in common.

Well, common interests are, of course, the foundation of...

Three times, you say? Is that abnormal?

Well, no, no, it's not abnormal.

It's not fair. It's not abnormal.

Thanks, doc. Have a great weekend.

Well, I wish you the same, but it hardly seems necessary.

And that's from Fraser. Think about your own romantic life and intimacy, and with me to discuss myths of sexuality is Dr. Tiffany Kistler. She's an assistant professor of couple and family therapy at the University of Rhode Island. Dr. Kistler teaches courses in couple and family relationships and in sexuality and sex therapy. She's also the co-founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Sexual Health in Providence, Rhode Island.

Welcome, Dr. Kistler.

Thank you for having me.

Yes, so there are a lot of myths about sex. I mean, Fraser, obviously, is very jealous of this guy who is having sex all the time. It's a wonderful clip, and one of the most common myths I see around sexuality is frequency. People often associate frequency as an indicator of sexual satisfaction, sexual quality, or sexual pleasure, when in fact, frequency is not an indicator of any of those dynamics. This causes a problem because people are comparing themselves to some expectation, real or false, that they think they should be upholding. If they are not, then they think there's something wrong with their relationship.

I also like to emphasize with couples that the quality of a sexual encounter, or the pleasure or sexual satisfaction, is not based on how many times you can have sex. You can have sex a lot of times and feel virtually no pleasure, or very rarely and have a lot of pleasure and rate it as a high-quality experience. So there's a lot of individual differences, and that's what people need to really focus on: the quality of their relationship and the quality of intimacy that they're having.

So some of the myths that you've talked about are... I went to a recent talk that you gave, or course that you gave, if we don't have sex at least once a week, something's wrong with us. And I know I have thought that in the past.

Yes, again, I think it's really important for people to realize that there's not a certain set point or expectation that's measuring the quality of a sexual relationship or the quality of your relationship in general. You need to really take that away.

Along with that, I see a lot of people concerned about the need for sex to be spontaneous, and that's really another myth that we face. In fact, after that initial courtship phase, it usually comes to a place where sex needs to be fostered, and it needs to be made a priority. It's not just something that's going to spontaneously emerge as depicted in the media.

There are a lot of reasons to have sex, and every encounter doesn't need to be mind-blowing or result in an orgasm. I really encourage couples to think about what great sex means to them and expand themselves beyond, "How many times do I have an orgasm? How many times am I having sex per week? How many times is it spontaneous?"

So it's more... How many times have I felt that closeness, the playfulness with my partner? How many times have I... And it's not so much how many times, but have I felt that closeness? Are we losing it a little bit? Because you do need to keep tabs on that in order to make it a priority.

Am I missing that? Would I be willing to give up, say, grocery shopping this afternoon and just spend some time with my hobby or spend some time with my partner?

Exactly. And it's fine to plan for it. I mean, people make dates and they think that there's something wrong with that because it just should happen like when they first met.

Right. I really like to dispel that myth. I think it's sending a really important message to your partner if you're willing to set this time aside and plan for it. It doesn't just need to emerge out of nowhere. We have very busy lifestyles, and there's a lot of demands on us. If you're saying, "I'm going to reserve this for us," it's a really important message.

And then it's important to be true to that meaning. If you do set aside that time and you're still thinking of folding the clothes or making phone calls or business back at work, then you're not accomplishing what you want.

You can't double book that time.

Exactly. You're not honoring that commitment that you're making to that time with each other. So set it aside and really tune in and be present.

Right now, what about the notion, the myth, that happy couples have great sex most of the time?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Ah, here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

Right now, what about the notion, the myth, that happy couples have great sex most of the time?

Yeah, I again, I like to encourage people to think about what great sex means to them. When we look at the media, great sex is usually depicted as these mind-blowing orgasms, when great sex can be... What did I really feel present? Did I feel connected with my partner?

There are a lot of reasons to have sex in it, and it's not necessarily the quality of your orgasm in that one encounter. In fact, when we look at the research with men and women, women frequently can report not having an orgasm but having very high sexual satisfaction in their relationship.

So they're not rating great sex as an indicator of an orgasm. It's a connection with the partner, and it doesn't have to be this mind-blowing experience every single time.

So it could be a wonderful back rub with each other. Just some sensuality, even that makes you feel connected, helps you feel close again, keeps that bond alive.

Exactly. And what about the myth that... And I don't know if this is a myth, men are always ready and want sex?

Yeah, I actually do find that. We do find that this is a myth, and it's really unfair to men to put this out there that they're always ready for and want sex. They experience in the same way; they get tired, they get stressed, they have other responsibilities. The things that interfere with a woman's arousal also interfere with a man's arousal, yet their masculinity is somehow tied up to being able and being ready to have sex all the time, which could then lead to a problem in the relationship.

Sometimes the partner might think, "Maybe you're not attracted to me anymore. Maybe you're cheating on me," when in fact, this can be just a very normal lifestyle issue that they're facing, right?

And what about the notion that, you know, I'm too old for sex? I'm in my 30s and I'm past my sexual prime?

Yeah, when we look at this idea of sexual prime, a lot of that data is focused on the timing of your arousal response cycle and also your reproductive capabilities. When we really expand what we mean about sexual prime, we see that you can be in your sexual prime way past your 30s because a good sexual encounter isn't based on a physiological response.

It's being comfortable with yourself, being comfortable with your partner, being able to share, being able to expand your horizon, your definition of what sexuality means, and tuning into your sensuality. And that usually comes with age, right?

I remember my grandfather. I don't know why he ever shared this with me, but I think he was so excited. He was in his late 80s or 90s, and he said, "We had sex." This is too much information, and he's no longer around. He was very colorful. I don't think he would... I think he would want it to be broadcast.

So anyway, with me today is Dr. Tiffany Kistler. Thank you so much for sharing with us some of your ideas. Any final words or ways we can get in touch with you?

I can be reached. I can be found at the University of Rhode Island in the couple and family therapy program or the psychological center for sexual health.

Oh, thank you so much for joining us, Tiffany.

Thank you.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by Doctors Kenner and Locke.

Don't sacrifice your own capacity for intimate pleasure by putting it on hold until the kids are out of the nest. Instead, cherish your ability to enjoy ongoing intimacy with your partner. Intimacy is pleasurable, healthy, good, and an essential part of a romantic relationship. Achieving sexual pleasure involves and expresses how you and your partner view yourselves and your entire relationship. It entails the ultimate unity of mind and body. Your mutual intimate pleasure reflects everything you feel about yourself and one another. As in the case of love, it requires thought as well as feeling and action, including constant, clear communication.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.