The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com. This is from John.

See what you do in this situation, dear Dr. Kenner. Several years ago, my wife Julie pursued a coworker, Andy, who lived roughly 100 miles away. They exchanged phone calls and romantic cards. When I confronted her, Julie claimed that nothing physical had happened. She promised me that she would tell me about any future contact between them, and she said she was committed to our marriage.

Unfortunately, I now have evidence that Julie and Andy's relationship is continuing, and although I can't prove it yet, I suspect they were together last weekend when they both attended a company-sponsored event in Andy's town. Even if I'm wrong, it seems to me that my inability to trust her means that our marriage is doomed. Would you advise me to cut my losses or confront her and give her the opportunity to once again lie to me?

Thank you, John.

Well, there's also the possibility, John, that if you confront her, that she may want, if she is cheating on you, she may want the opportunity to tell you the truth too, because it's a lot of weight on a person when they lie. They don't like living with themselves; they don't like sleeping with themselves, and the more they lie, the deeper they get into lies.

So here's one direction you could go. First, be very supportive of yourself. I wouldn't do anything with a knee-jerk reaction. You've already been in a long-term marriage, so you want to give this some thought, you know, unless you find something definitive. You did say you found more evidence.

So let's say the evidence that you found was you found two more semi-romantic emails from Julie to her coworker Andy. What I would do is gather more information, and that includes asking her about the weekend and observing her. A lot of the data we get is not so much the hard data in emails or a card or romantic card that’s sent. I mean, that's certainly evidence, but it's a person's response to—and we all know some universal responses when people lie. What they might do, they can get really angry or shift the topic or whatnot. And sometimes you can tell when they're leveling with you, and sometimes we can be off. Sometimes people are very good at lying, and sometimes people are very nervous and look like they're lying when they're not lying.

So you need to use your own best judgment. And of course, it might be clouded by your hurt and anxiety and anger, but so what I would do is ask her. The way you ask her about her relationship with Andy really, really, really matters. If you come in like a bat out of hell and you accuse her, you say, "You slept with Andy this weekend, didn't you?" You know what's going to happen, even if she did and wanted to come clean, that's not an invitation. That invites her to say so she's likely to become defensive.

So another route you can go, you might need to think about ways to phrase this in your own words and find the right mood for yourself is to feel more like you're curious, you're an investigator, and you want to put her at ease enough that she would level with you if she's going to. You could say, "Julie, I've been having a very difficult time lately, and I don't know what your evidence is, but let's say it's two more romantic emails. I found two more romantic emails that you sent to Andy, and I'm torturing myself thinking that you were possibly with him this weekend. Let me know if that is or is not the case, and please don't be afraid to hurt my feelings. We both need to deal with the truth openly. That would be the best gift to me and to yourself."

Now, if Julie lies to you, if you see that evasiveness, that quick changing of the subject, or getting angry at you, or maybe even that sweet phoniness that gives you more information, and I would then, then you're looking more towards the direction of parting ways.

In the book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, it's called The Selfish Path to Romance. It means self-esteem path to romance. How to love with passion and reason. At the end, we have a nine-point suggestion in a section called "How to part ways and start over." If you cease being soul mates, and it's a very organized way to put your thoughts together. You identify the reasons you're considering a divorce; you consider the barriers; you make a final decision, and you have to break through the barriers. You know people feel maybe fear being alone, or the financial ties, or maybe you have kids, or maybe you feel guilty breaking your vows. You know you need to deal with each of those independently. So that's if you're going in the direction of separating.

So I want to pause now to just talk a little bit about affairs, because is there a possibility that you could stay together? So the feeling of an affair—to feel that the partner, your lifetime partner, is lying to you and will continue to do so, and you have some evidence that this has happened—leaves an enormous pit in your gut or your stomach. Affairs, even emotional ones, mean that all that delightful, delicious emotional intimacy that makes partnerships so special, that makes you feel loved, that makes you feel valued for what you value in yourself—to feel important, to feel cherished—has shifted to the other person.

And what you're left with in that type of a marriage is the shell of your hopes, is the shell of what was once maybe a warm and supportive loving bond when you first met. So do you need to get divorced? You know that really depends. You don't want to do it on a suspicion. You want to clarify your own thinking. Get more evidence.

If you go the route of wanting to rebuild trust, I'm going to recommend two other books. One is the book "Getting Past the Affair," and the other is "After the Affair." You can look those up online, and they talk about ways to rebuild trust, and that would take a lot of Julie's effort to rebuild your trust, and both of you looking at things that possibly went off track in the relationship, and learning how to grow from them rather than to jump ship.

And so sometimes you need to jump ship, and hopefully have a wonderful life raft to catch you, and sometimes you need to—you can grow tremendously with one another.

For more Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

How do you let your partner know what you like and don't like in intimacy? What works well for each of you? Sex therapists emphasize the need to phrase feedback lovingly. For example, rather than saying, "Oh, I hate it when you do that," it's far better to just gently move your partner's hand, or you might say, "I prefer you to touch me here. This feels really good." Ask your partner what feels good. Neither of you are mind readers.

It is important to avoid deceiving your partner about your enjoyment. This is dishonest and a breach of trust. There may be times when you or your partner simply are not aroused enough to achieve satisfaction. On certain occasions, a feeling of closeness and intimacy may be satisfying enough. However, if this is the pattern in your relationship, you should figure out how to increase your mutual pleasure.

You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.