The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Amy, you have a friend who wants to exit a marriage that's not going so well.

Well, yeah, he's told me one time it was going to be a divorce, and I don't know what stopped it. Then he called me while he was stationed in Germany, and his wife stayed back here in the States. He told me he was going to get a divorce. I was like, okay. The next morning, he calls me, and he's like, yeah, I decided not to. It was after she was all like, "Oh, really, you're not going to make this work?" and blah, blah, blah. So he gets to come home on weekends now when he's in the States, and he's just miserable; I can tell in his voice, yeah.

What's your relationship with him?

We are like really good friends.

Okay. Is it just feeling for me?

Okay, and he has feelings for me, okay? Has it gone further than that?

Never, never. But emotionally, you have what's called emotional intimacy, meaning you can share your inner life with one another, what your impressions are of the day, what's going on, what you're thinking. It's like you would with a partner in a way.

Yeah, okay. So he's wanting out of his marriage. Are there kids involved?

Not his kids, not his kids. They're hers.

How long have they been married?

They've been married for about— it'll be four years, but for that time, they've only lived in the same house for maybe a whole year, but that's spaced out between that time.

Where have they lived otherwise?

He's around the country. He was stationed in Germany. He and I are both in the military, and we were stationed at the same base, and then he married her and then got orders shortly after to Germany, and then he got deployed. He had to be in Germany for two years, and then he just came back. But he's not on the same base as we were before, and she chose not to leave her job, and it was just ridiculous of her not to. But now he's stationed four hours away.

So is he—

It sounds like, I mean, I'm thinking of myself being in your shoes. I would think, "Oh my gosh, I have feelings for him. I hope he leaves his marriage. I know he's not happy in it. I know he feels trapped. And I would like to help this along a bit." Is that the situation?

Yeah, but he's told me that I have to stop putting ideas in his head.

Okay. Now, what ideas doesn't he like?

When I say, "Corey, that's not right. She shouldn't do it that way. She should have done this," or like, I can't talk negatively about her.

He doesn't want you to interfere.

No, okay, so there's not much you can do, because whose choice is it, whether or not he stays in a marriage, whether it's a good marriage or a bad marriage?

It's his choice.

Yeah. At one point when we were corresponding, he said, "If I leave her, will you be with me?" I can't tell that to a guy, even if that's what I want, right? I don't want him to leave her for me.

Right, right. That's always a messy situation. Some people need another partner at the ready for them when they leave one partner. They don't want to be alone, so they have it set up to have another partner. That doesn't mean that they don't care about you, but does she know about you, or does she have an inkling about you?

Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick AVEN, then Alan will be back with romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship.

Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.

Huh? This Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

She doesn't know about you, or she has an inkling about you.

She knows I'm his friend; like, she knows that we talk and text each other.

Is she jealous?

She's a very jealous person, yes.

Of us?

No. She has no clue that we even dated for a couple of weeks before, way back before they got together, before he ever met her.

Okay, and so he wants to come back and try a relationship with you, but they're married, no kids.

Let me sum up what I'm hearing. You're in a really difficult situation because you already know the situation. If you put pressure on him because you want to move your relationship with him along, you want to move your life along, you want to be a unit with him, so to speak. If you put pressure on him, he's going to resent you. If he breaks up, he might resent you for having forced it too soon or not in the right way. If you don't put pressure on him, this could go on indefinitely. You're at his beck and call, correct?

So you really have a choice only of what to do with your own life. Meaning, how long do I want to wait around for him? I've put all my eggs in this one basket. Should I be dating other people? Or do I want to date other people? Do I want to put a time limit on this, not as a threat to him, but to say to him, "I know you're—" the word I'm hearing for him is ambivalent. "I know you're feeling ambivalent about the relationship, and I don't want to—I can't be here indefinitely. I know you value me." So I think it's reasonable to just keep me informed and tell me what's going on.

I think after the New Year, I might start seeing— you can put your own deadline on it.

Let me quick, because I know we're running out of time. I can recommend the book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, Amy, and it's called The Selfish Path to Romance. It does not mean mean rotten; it means the self-esteem path to romance, outer love with passion and reason.

At the very end of the book, it's how to part ways and start over if you cease being soul mates. We have a nine-point plan: identifying the reasons you're considering a divorce, identifying barriers keeping you in an unsatisfactory relationship, making the final decision, tying the evidence together, breaking the news to your partner, setting up an atmosphere of respect, going public with family and friends, making an action plan for your divorce, and learning to live independently and taking new steps toward romantic happiness.

You're certainly welcome to—you could get the book. It's the cheapest on Amazon. Again, you could just go to selfishromance or The Selfish Path to Romance, and read that appendix at the very end of the book. The book itself is phenomenal. It'll tell you about romance and what we spoke of—emotional visibility.

Listen, I wish you the best in romance. Thank you so much for your call, Amy.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Why should he lie? What's he got to gain? Attention? Maybe this is a quiet, frightened, insignificant old man who has been nothing all his life. Nobody knows him. Nobody quotes him. Nobody seeks his advice after 75 years. That's a very sad thing to me. Nothing man like this needs to be quoted, to be listened to—very important one.

And that's from a movie, an older movie and a great movie, Twelve Angry Men, and that person, the older man, is a witness. Do you trust him or not? That brings up the question of motive. Why is he saying what he's saying? Is it because he wants attention? He just feels like he hasn't been anyone for 75 years, and he suddenly wants the spotlight, or is it that he's telling the truth?

With anybody in your life, you need to know how to judge that person. Are they telling you the truth? Is it just a little white lie? Do little white lies turn into bigger ones? How do you judge yourself? Are you telling little white lies? Are you telling bigger lies? If so, what does it do inside your own mind to you? Are there any situations in which it's proper to lie? For example, if a hold-up man asks you if you've got a ton of money, and you say no, is that moral?

In my book, that particular one is yes, unless he's going to kill you—then just give him the money and run, escape. But if you can, you do not owe it to him. There are very rare situations where it's actually proper to lie. If somebody, a child molester, asks if you have any children around and you have children in the house, you don't tell them yes; you tell them no. You don't like children; that's a moral lie.

But most lies are not moral, and the first person they damage is yourself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

Sex, more than any other pleasure, involves the integration, the joining, the merging of both your mind and your body. There are pleasures that involve mainly the mind, such as intellectual achievements or contemplating a work of art, and there are pleasures that are primarily physical, such as a good workout, a massage, or a hot bath.

But more than any other pleasure, sex involves you as a whole person, combining both conscious and physical sensations. Romantic sex is the most intense pleasure a human being can experience.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and buy it on Amazon.