The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com.

Jeff, you're dealing with a relationship problem? Yes,
yeah, tell me what's going on.
Well, just just to outline it real quick, I've been with this girl for about three and a half months, and I've been living with her for one month. Things were really good for a while, but about three weeks ago, she just got really cold, you know. And also, another side note, I'm 23 and she's 36 so there's a big age difference. And she has, you know, she has three kids. But anyways, we, you know, we did. You've never been married, no kids.
I've never been married and I have no kids. Okay, go ahead.
So three weeks ago, what happened?
She just started getting really, really cold, and I know it was because all the stress that she was going through, but just really cold toward me. Quit being affectionate at all, and, and it came to a point where she told me that she thought, you know, our relationship wasn't working out, and that I needed to leave, yeah. But then when it came to the point and I did leave, she's, she's just been crying, and she wants me back. And I, you know, came I said that I don't want to do this anymore, you know. And I feel like if things could be better for us separate, you know. But she's been calling me and just crying the past two days, just begging me to come back and okay, what is your gut feel for that at this moment? Do you want to go back? Do you not want to go back to her?
Part of me does, but part of me, you know, there's part of me that sees, you know, that we did love each other, and things could be hard, but, um, but, you know, we could make it. But then there's part of me that feels like, you know, I'm 23 I don't have to go right into a relationship with with three kids, you know, with a woman who might not so a lot of red flags. Yeah, there's what's her history. What's her history?
She has two ex-husbands. She actually only three of the kids are living with her, but she has four, and one of the ex-husbands is extremely jealous and possessive and has even to the point of threatened, threatened that he was going to hire someone to kill me one night when he was wasted and he.
Okay. Have what is your relationship history? What is your relationship history?
Mine? Have you dated a lot? I did when I was younger, but honestly, Wendy is her name. This is the first relationship I've been in in about three years. Probably okay, what is the main question you'd like me to focus on? Because I could focus on many aspects of this is your question whether I should stay.
Okay. When you what you need is a method to answer that question. And what you want to do is take a piece of paper and on the left-hand side write all of the benefits of staying in the relationship. And we're not going to do we don't have the time to do the whole thing on the air. But it may be that she's she values some really good things in you that other people haven't seen in you. Maybe, maybe you are a tender person. You know, maybe there are some good qualities that you have and you haven't felt that sort of connection or visibility with somebody. I'm not sure what it would be. Can you name just one thing that you really miss about that that you valued in the relationship?
Hey, I'm sorry. It's really hard to hear you. Oh, is it? Can you hear me? Now? Yeah, that's better. Okay, so what? Let me go back, Mike, if you take a piece of paper, split it in half and put the advantages of the relationship and let yourself on the left side of the paper, just let yourself go and write down everything that you value in her and in the relationship, because you're telling me it's a mixed case. There are both pros and cons. So you're writing the advantages on one side, but the advantage of writing it down is that you're not just holding it all in your head. You're actually putting it on paper to see it. You're going to shred this paper later so she never sees it. But this is just for your thought process to stabilize, to get some clarity, for your own thinking processes. Then on the other side of the paper, you write down everything that causes you some anxiety, some nervousness about the relationship, whether it's that a man you're getting into a relationship. You're a single guy with four kids, and she's been married a few times, and she's got one husband that's out to get you, and she can turn cold on you after going from a period of warmth. And then you want to say. Are there any relationship breakers? You have a sense already, Jeff, that you're young and that the age discrepancy is pretty, pretty great, the 13 years difference, and so that makes you feel what
I don't know. Okay, what is your main goal in having a romantic relationship? What are you looking for? Long range.
Hey, I gotta interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here? It is the selfish path to romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it@amazon.com huh? The Selfish path to romance, that is interesting. What is your main goal in having a romantic relationship? What are you looking for? Long range.
I want to have my own children. You know. Okay, do you want to add to her children? Or do you want to start with someone, maybe more your age, and have start a family?
I don't know, you know, the hardest part for me is she had, it's like most relationships have a time where it's just the two of them, you know, yeah. But with us, it's like in the beginning, you know, we have, there's there's children there, you know. And she doesn't have the attention to give to all of us, you know, right?
So you're not getting full attention you. You don't let her make the decision for you, and don't let a few good qualities in the relationship overshadow the facts of the relationship. And the facts that I'm hearing is that I hear enormous ambivalence from you. It sounds like it's weighted more in the direction of your doubts. Part of you is telling yourself, Oh, my God. You know, I want some more attention. I want to have a period of time in a romantic relationship where a person can focus on me and she's got too many other directions going. Plus, there's a guy out to kill me when he's drunk, or to hire somebody. I mean, that's what people call they colloquially refer to as baggage. She's got a lot of it and you don't know her character. Three and a half months is not enough time to know a person's character, and people usually present their better sides first, and then, if you live with them long enough, or sometimes, it doesn't happen till you actually get married, and then you see a dramatically different person. That's scary stuff. So it sounds like she's not that stable. Why did you choose someone who's so much older? Is there any history behind that?
I was really going through a hard time in life, a big transition in life, belief and things like that, and and she just kind of fell into my world. I mean, okay, you don't want things happening. I know we're winding down on time. So I would do that exercise that I recommended you can go to my website, Dr. Kenner.com, I have books there. I recommend d r, k, e n, n, e r.com, and what I would recommend is that you want to do a wider search for yourself. You want to look at other possible options in the dating world, rather than just take someone who happens to have fallen into your life when you felt vulnerable, you know feel good about yourself. Write what you like about yourself, also. Jeff, Okay, listen, I wish we had more time. Thank you very much for your call. All right, thank you. Okay, you're welcome for more Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to Dr. Kenner.com and please listen to this Ned.
Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.
Here's another reason why the view that sexual pleasure is only physical, unrelated to your mind, your values or your character, is very wrong. If sex were purely physical, it wouldn't matter how you viewed yourself as a person, but to fully enjoy sex, you must feel worthy of sexual pleasure. A person who feels selfless or who feels self-contempt will not get the same pleasure from sex as one who feels worthy and has high self-esteem. A man or woman who uses sexual conquest as a substitute for self-esteem soon finds that sex only hides their anxiety and self-doubt for a short time. Sex cannot fill the void caused by a lack of self-value. It can only express the self-value that you already have.
You can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.