The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Jennifer, you have a question about your mom, who's a bit overbearing?

Yeah, I have a problem with my mom. She's already overbearing. I'm 32 years old and okay, I'm, you know, a career person. I have a good job, have a master's degree. I'm doing very well in life, and my mom isn't happy with the decision I'm making, as far as a partner I'm choosing for myself. I've been with this person for a few years. We've had some difficulties in the past. He suffered from drug addiction in the past. He's been clean for the past two years, and he's working full-time. He's had a couple of issues in the past, and I guess that's what concerns her the most. She doesn't feel he's good enough for me, per se. My mom's really built her whole life around my sister and me. She basically never had a job. She raised us to be, you know, her, my dad and her got divorced. She put all of her effort into her children. She wanted to go to college to play instruments, you know, everything she could do to better us. I think she kind of lost herself within doing that. Since my sister and I left the house, she's become a hoarder. She does antiques on the side, like, she uses that as an excuse for why she can't really live in her house properly. She can't go up there. You know, she just basically has boxes everywhere. She goes to thrift shops all the time, and her whole life is just based around collecting, getting things. It's hard, you know, and I try to talk to her about it; you can't even really go in the house. You can't have guests over. It's an uncomfortable situation, but she gets mad at me when I talk to her about that. It seems like since my boyfriend and I were planning on getting married, she talked to him. My mom was friendly with my boyfriend. They used to do things together. He would help her with things, but on the other hand, she didn't really want us together.

So she asked him for some help to get an engagement ring for me, and she said she would help him. She said, "Well, you know, it's kind of ridiculous for you to buy an engagement ring, because I have one from my dad that she doesn't wear." She said, "Why don't you use this one?" He asked her how much she wanted for it, and she said, "Well, I can't really charge you for it." So she waited like three months and then didn't say anything to him. So he asked her for the ring. He said, "Listen. Would you like me to pay you for the ring? Because I feel like I should give you something for it." She didn't really give him a price, and then she told me she wanted $3,500. I knew my boyfriend really didn't have, he makes $12 an hour. I knew he didn't have that kind of money to lay out; that was a lot of money. I think he was thinking more along the lines of something else, and whatever. He kind of just got angry at the whole situation.

Okay, Jennifer, let me just pause for a minute and sum up what I'm hearing, and that's that you have so much incredible energy. On one hand, you are incredibly delightful, and you're delightful in a very nice way because you're introspective. You're not trying to puff things over and say how good your mother is. If she's a hoarder, she's a hoarder. If she's speaking out of both sides of her mouth, on one hand saying she doesn't have to pay for the ring, and on the other hand, saying yes, you're looking at a long-term perspective. You're respecting yourself. You're 32 years old; you have a career, you have a master's degree. My question for you is, the first question is not going to be anything about your mother. The first question to you is, do you want to guess what it is?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

The first question to you is, do you want to guess what it is? What do I want to do? Yes, it is: is he good for you? Get your mother the heck out of the picture for a moment or for a week. Forget about her. Let's say she went off to Tahiti with all of her hoarding things and took a vacation, you know, went on a Noah's Ark-type thing off to Tahiti. I don't know, it's kind of weird, but what do you say? What do you do? And you're alone with the decision: is this guy, who has been clean for a few years, who did have a drug addiction and earns $12 an hour, when I have my master's degree, are we a match on intellectual issues? Are we a match on communication skills? Are we a match on ambitions? Are we a match on how we want to design our future, with or without kids? You're 32 at this point, so that is a question: would he be a good parent? Are there problems that I know about that could resurface? Because, man, you know, it's hard to change. Are there things that I need to know about me that may come from my history with my parents that make me be with someone that may be very good for me in some respects but maybe not good? So the question is, what comes to your mind? If you can use that same vivaciousness that you have and that introspective ability, turn it on yourself. What are the downsides of him privately that you would allow yourself to recognize?

Well, I think that sometimes, like when we get into an argument, he gets very quiet. He doesn't like to talk about it. It takes him a few days for him to come forth because he says he doesn't want to say anything hurtful to me or make me mad about anything. He keeps it to himself. He has that kind of way; he doesn't—he's kind of to himself until he wants to share something with me. Okay, so, like, that's one downside. Obviously, his career—he's trying to get a job at a different company, and he might make a few dollars more an hour. That's probably going to happen in the next few months, and he's trying to get some different certification so he can better himself in his career. I do realize that he's never going to be, you know, obviously where I'm at. He's also, in the past, spent a few years in jail. So, I mean, he had some time that he, you know, this is a couple of years back, and so he has been in and out throughout the years. This is, like, the first, I guess, time in his life that he's actually been living stable for the last few years. He has a job now; he actually works for rehab, which is good for him.

He actually works in rehab.

He works in a rehab. Okay, and have you had any history of drugs? You see?

No, you have. I, yeah, no, I haven't, but my dad's an alcoholic.

Okay, so there is a little bit of a red flag that goes up for me right there, okay? Meaning, if he spent time in jail, if he's now working in rehab, which is dealing with what?

So, he works in a rehab. He does maintenance in a rehab. He got a job.

Okay, okay, okay. Here's what I would recommend for you: you need to know so much about your partner, and you need to really be honest with yourself. Parents can get in the way of this. I know my parents really wanted me to have kids. For five years, my father kept asking me routinely, basically, are you pregnant? He phrased it in humorous ways. And guess what? The last thing I ever thought about doing was getting pregnant because I just felt the pressure. I went to New York City, away from where I live, and a random woman I know, knew her, but she just said to me, "Do you want kids? Do you and your husband ever want to start a family?" It was the first time I ever heard the question. I mean, it's not that I didn't hear it, but I actually let myself absorb it, and that's what you want to do for yourself. Your mother's irrelevant because you are a grown adult, and you need to be able to set boundaries.

Most important question on hold because, like,

Okay, let me recommend something. You know your mom's against your sister, yeah? But let me just say, let me recommend you. Don't hold you. I don't think you're gonna be happy.

Okay, Jennifer, we're right down almost out of time. So let me recommend a book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke. It's The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. Jennifer, you know. Oh, Jennifer, you hear me? Hello.

I'm recommending the book The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. And that's by Dr. Ed Locke and myself, Ellen Kenner, and you can get it at amazon.com. We talk about all the things that you need to match on to make sure you've got a soulmate.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I'm losing my apartment, Melvin and Frank. He wants me to beg my parents, and I won't. I don't want the pain anymore. The life that I was trying for is over; the life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe. Terrified.

And that's from As Good as It Gets.

And have you been through a period in your life where you just feel angry or you feel depressed, and you don't know how to manage it? You just feel like it's too much for you. How do you deal with that? You want good coping strategies.

And one of the first coping strategies is to win the battle within yourself, to know that it is your life, your decisions. And then, of course, you want to make good decisions within that. But if you feel it isn't your life, if you feel like everyone else is calling the shots for you, or that, let's say that you feel you have to please everybody else, and you feel like the body of an octopus with all of these arms, and all of your family members and friends and teachers are pulling you in opposite directions, they're pulling out those octopus arms, and you just feel like, where are you anymore?

You want to be able to pull those arms back in, give yourself a hug, and figure out psychologically how to own your own life. Notice if you pull your arms back in, you're not hurting anyone else. You're not taking your octopus arms, so to speak, and hitting them all or zapping them or poisoning them. You're just owning your own life, and they have no right to it.

Those boundaries are hard to keep, and of course, that doesn't mean that you don't have good friends. In fact, when you learn to be true to yourself, you end up having better relationships, both with the good family members and with friends.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Doctors Kenner and Locke: Money conflicts can still occur, even if time and self-esteem problems are absent. Partners can legitimately differ in their priorities. Communication and joint decision-making are essential here.

Listen carefully to your partner's priorities and determine the reasons for them. What does the desired object mean to your partner? Money problems also occur due to setbacks such as job loss, illness, unwise investments, or bad economic times. They can be painful and difficult to overcome, but the key is to agree on a recovery plan. If conflicts still remain after your discussions, compromise may be appropriate. Be creative and work out a fair solution that will make you both happy. Both partners must be totally honorable and hold to agreements.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and buy it at amazon.com.