The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

(this is raw unedited text, computer transcribed directly from the audio, without voice inflection, pauses etc. Sometimes this results in the text implying the opposite of the intended meaning.)

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The Selfish Path to Romance - download chapter one for free at Dr kenner.com or at amazon.com.
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Wilson?

Yes, ma'am. How you doing?

Very good. Tell me what's going on in your life that you'd like a little help with?

Was my girlfriend the one I'm a truck driver, right? I'm barely ever home to get on. After a few days, you'll feel fine. So VCV gets mad at someone else trying to take it out on me. I'll just find bad things as well pick up my mess up. So I did this wrong. I'm not doing this right. And I got sometimes I'll walk away and most majority conferences walk away and it goes go out somewhere and come back a few hours, which is really really like a river ride. When these days and just want to keep on walking, really want to do that. But I don't know how to how to kind of act when she because she's got mom, she has vocabularies way more expensive than mine. And he knows how to, like chop you up, you know?

Okay, so something's getting her upset. And the question is, what is it if she doesn't feel understood by you, then she may be very upset if she feels abandoned by you. If she feels you may be cheating on her because you're away all along, you know, you're away for a few days, and then you come back. If she has done anything in her own life. Maybe she cheated on you. And I don't you know, obviously, I don't know her at all. Then she might be feeling guilty. And sometimes we accuse someone else of the thing that we're guilty of. So what what can you do when you what do you do think you know, what a court what one core issue might be below all of the surface. nitpicking and getting angry with you. And you're not doing this right. You're not doing that. Right.

I would know, she makes a lot of bills, right? Yeah. And every time I turn around, and you got another bill to pay, you know, and another day, I'd be majority of it. I'd be trying to tell you anything. You got flowing and says I got other bills myself. I got three households, I think, you know, okay, one of them. Yeah, I don't know. It could be money. It's just sometimes

when you say you have three households, what are the three households Wilson, what do you

do? I live by myself. And my, my daughter is in the custody of my sister. So pretty much take care. I don't see. And then my girlfriend,

and then you take care how long have you been with your girlfriend?

For four years now?

That's quite an investment in time. When was when did it go really well with her?

First native?

Yeah, what was good about it?

You never heard you mean they were see that? I mean, we went all over and traveled a lot. And then But then I wasn't driving trip also. So I don't know. I don't know where it started going wrong.

Okay, so that's one question to to ask her in a moment. When you're both calm. In a moment, when you feel a little bit at peace with one another a little bit relaxed. You can say, "you know," . . .

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Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds. That's it. A very quick ad and then Ellen will be back :

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is - the selfish path to romance. A serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfish romance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, the selfish path to romance. That is interesting.
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In a moment, when you feel a little bit at peace with one another a little bit relaxed, you can say you know, to remember bring her back to the time when it was good. You remember when how nice it was. When we first met, we could talk up a storm with one another. We felt so at home with one another. We felt understood by one another. We felt that connection. How what do you think is happening? Help me understand it from your perspective. That's what I would say to her. I would use the skill right there Wilson of drawing her out. I don't want to say yes buts. In psychology, you know where your body is, right? We say no, but because if I said, yes, you're a good kid, but you don't think you're a good kid, right? So buts negate whatever comes before it when used in that context. So if you can, number one, find a calm time. Not when she's mad at you. This is that's not a time to do that. And then draw her out by first focusing on better times because that reminds both of you. Why you're hanging in there for four years. You're both hoping for better time. seems right. Right? And then if you are, if you number two, if you are willing to listen first, the hardest thing to do, that's where I'm saying no buts, no buts. You just say in Tell me more. And then what happened? And let's say I asked, she might say, let's say, um, you and she's saying to me, you're never around anymore, and I have all these bills to pay and you need to pay and you you kind of pick your clothes up. I'm not going to be your mother, you got to do this. You Why? Why aren't you calling me more? Where are you when you're on the road? And are you with your ex again? Are you with your daughter and your sister again? And what about me? You know, if she's saying that, I would say sounds like you're really stressed out honey, instead of defending myself, which just is going to raise the heat in the room instead of walking away, which is a healthy coping strategy, if you think the alternative is that you would start swearing walking away as an okay strategy as a cooldown period. Walking away, leaving it foggy, like I don't know my husband's walking my boyfriend's walking away if she's thinking this my boyfriend's walking away. I don't know if he's walking out of my life. Like you said you might do someday. Or I don't know if he's just walking away for a day or for a cooldown period. Or for a drink at the bar.

You know if if she doesn't know why that's not good to see you can give her a heads up Wilson. Okay, it just got a little staticky. Yeah, my call my co driver.

Hi, co driver

came to say hi, Brooke.

Yeah. Hi, hey. So you could say it's okay to continue talking? I'm assuming?

Yes.

Okay. So you could give her just a heads up, you know, when we start to get heated, neither of us get any place. And I really want to hear what you have to say, let's make a deal with one another that when we start to use swear words, when we start to put each other down, that we stop the conversation for about an hour and just take a break, maybe I'll take a walk or maybe, you know, I'll take a little ride or something. And we'll come back and talk with each other in an hour or so. And that way, it's very respectful of one another. It's a better way to manage conflict.

Yeah. Sounds like it sounds doable.

Yeah. And what as I'm talking, I know where we were at our last few, few minutes, a few seconds here. But tell me what are your thoughts as I'm saying this?

It makes sense. I've never really tried that. I've never just took a calm time in reverse to reverse the conversation like this, that that go and say something maybe some more Kinder ask questions. You are out. Yes, I know what's really going on. I never did that.

Phenomenal. You could even look up listening active listening skills if you have an intranet and learn a little bit more. And eventually you also want to learn assertiveness skills, how to eventually tell her how you're failing to without the yes bots without the without getting a lot of anger. It's a very difficult skill. Listen, I've written a book with Dr. Ed lock you can get it's called unbelievable title, the selfish path to romance, how to love with passion and reason. Thank you so much for your call Wilson.

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And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner . . .

(Audio clip from TV)

You comming to the party?

Well, actually, I think I'm gonna pass.

Oh, come on, Doc. You gotta at least have a drink. Give him a hug.

That is precisely what I'm trying to avoid. Since when did we become a society of hug? It's called the hug for everything nowadays. Hello, hug. Congratulations, Paul. Nice haircut hug. It's absurd. I mean, if we want to express some real emotion for someone,

I mean, we did have to go. You know, I think you're way too uptight about No, no, no, I see the docks point. We all have different ways of saying goodbye.

(Dr Kenner)
And that's really funny. I'm thinking of someone at the gym. I go to the gym. I enjoy Zumba. And I was at the gym. And I hadn't been there in a while. And a woman came over to me threw her arms around me like we were long lost buddies, best friends growing up and she said, Oh, it's so good to see you back. I don't think she knew my name. I didn't know her name. And I have to tell you, it felt good to be welcomed back that way at first split second and then I thought I don't even know her. This is a bit peculiar that it doesn't feel sincere. So think about it in your life. Are there people who are huggers and you love it? It's a warmth that's there's a genuineness there they mean it. Are there people who are standoffish and you wish they could hug a little more. Be just a little more friendly. Are there people who are very subtle them I just say, Hey, good to see you. And that works for you. You feel their warmth, they don't have to have the hug. Think about it in your life. I think the main dividing point is, is it sincere or not? And we certainly all pick up on people who are insincere in our life and we feel it in ourselves when we have those little moments of Good to see you and your thoughts are: no it isn't good to see you.

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For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to Dr. Kenner.com. And please listen to this ad . . .

Here's an excerpt from the selfish path to romance the serious romance guide book by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co author Dr. Edwin Locke, who is world famous for his theories on goal setting:

Relationships should not be sacrificed on the altar of children. A note to a love columnist reported that five husbands among a circle of friends got divorced all for the same reason. With each succeeding child, the husbands became increasingly less important to their wives, until they felt totally abandoned. The husband's eventually turned to other women who treated them as important. The wife's ironically had no idea why their marriages ended. One problem was obviously the breakdown in communication. But the core problem was that the husbands were no longer their wife's highest values.
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You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at amazon.com