The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and @amazon.com.

Lucretia, you're having questions about your boyfriend, yes? Yeah, tell me what's going on.

He cheated on me before I got pregnant, and I found out about it. He lied about it, and a couple of months later, he told me the truth. I had a baby, and now I think that he is still cheating.

What is his commitment to you?

We were supposed to get married, and then he, like, backed out of it. He just made excuses, like, oh, we need to maintain and establish more financial situations. And I don't understand, you know.

Okay, if you did not have a baby together, what would you choose? Would you choose to continue to try to make it work with him or not?

Probably would.

You would. What do you love about him?

He makes me laugh, and he does things unpredictable, sometimes, like—

Having an affair?

No, okay, before that, before I knew about all that, yeah.

No. With your right now you're in a decision-making situation where you have to decide, what do I want to stay with him, or do I want to leave?

Yeah, and what's your thinking on that?

I'm thinking I want to leave, but I don't. My son is only three months, and I don't know if I want to go that route.

Why is that?

Well, if I leave, then I know he's not probably going to be there for his son.

You think he would jump ship? He would abandon his son?

Maybe. I mean, I don't know. He changed.

How has he changed?

Well, he used to be there all the time. Now he's like, never home. He makes excuses. He comes in late all the time, and he says he’s at the grandmother's house. One time, he gave me a ride home, and his cousin and his cousin's friend, which they're both females, were in the car. As soon as I got out of the car, his cousin's friend got into the front seat. Yeah, it was he said that he was just taking them home.

Okay, so you have enough data to suspect him. You think he has a history of having cheated on you, which he lied about initially, and then he came clean, yeah? And he cheated with one woman, more than one woman?

One woman.

Is she still in the picture? Is she married? Often in Tahiti someplace?

No, I've never seen her again, so she seems to be completely out of the picture.

Yeah. Does he have any hidden life? How old is he?

He's 19.

Oh, 19. Okay, I was gonna say, does he have any other—maybe he's been married before or whatever. So he's young. How old are you?

You're 19. Oh, you guys are so young. Oh, I just feel so badly because it sounds like you had a baby when you were not prepared for it, and you are both in a bind where you're so—if you were just dating, I would say you need more experience with each other before you even think about marrying, let alone having a kid. Yeah, and now that that's—you know, he may want his youth. He may want his ability to play the field, and I don't mean that in necessarily a negative sense, but he may not want the commitments that are on him. And as you said, you guys don't have the finances, right? You don't have the ability to raise a child easily. Yeah?

I mean, we're doing it, but it's hard.

Yeah.

Okay, so he is contributing. So if you were to leave him emotionally, you might feel, on one hand, that there's some justice in it. If he's cheating on you, buddy, you're out of here. Yeah. And on the other hand, in living day to day, you have a really difficult time because it's going to be much harder for you financially, or even with the time he does put in with your son, babysitting or helping out, you won't have that if you leave. You think he might jump ship. Yeah.

Okay, so can you get some counseling for yourself to make the decision?

Yeah, I can.

I would recommend that if you can get a cognitive therapist, that's great, because they'll teach you skills. Is that a noise coming from your side? Okay, let me give you just a few signs of affairs.

Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Let me give you just a few signs of affairs. You've already named some of them. You know, coming in late, you're saying that this other woman gets in the front seat of the car. There are unexplained absences, and he doesn't work for the FBI. You know, if there are unexplained absences, there's no more of what we call emotional intimacy. He's not sharing his day with you—this is what I did today. He's neglecting to tell you parts of his day, like when he was visiting grandma. In quotes, he looks better. He dresses better. He may be putting on some cologne or fitness when he doesn't need to be dressing better. He has little or no interest in sex with you, or he fakes it. Guys—it's hard for guys to fake, but they may fake the emotional intimacy while they're fantasizing about Lady X in the background.

You can check cell phones to see if there are numbers there. If he has a computer, you can check the history. You can get feedback from other people. You can have a relative say, “Oh my gosh, I saw him with this girl, woman.” And, you know, so at a certain place, he might be telling you he has hobbies with the guys. You know, it doesn't sound like you have the ability to hire a detective. I mean, you can go that far. You can be your own detective, but my guess is that you're busy 24/7 with a three-month-old. If he has a history of deception, meaning he's done this before, it's much more likely if he's not willing to communicate with you openly. It's much more likely. And if he's not willing to hear how you're struggling and listen to you, you know, empathizing with you, it's more likely.

There is a book you can go to my website, Lucretia. It's my website's Dr. Kenner.com. There's a book, After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, and that's by Dr. Spring. I want to say something else. The first year of having a child, the first two years—the divorce rate is the highest. Meaning it is very, very hard to weather that, given that you're 19 years old, both of you, and given that you're not married, meaning there isn't a legal commitment to one another. It is so hard on you.

So I would do whatever you could to get some support, not only from willing family members—you can't force babysitting on them—but emotional support from family and friends, and also to get the therapy to help you make the decision because it's not an easy decision to make. If he is cheating, I think it does need to come out in the open. Maybe he'd be willing to go to counseling. Most cheaters don't want to go to counseling because it's more likely to come out. But maybe to clear the air, that would be healthy for both of you, and then to figure out where to go from here.

I do. It's so—thank you so much for your call. I wish we had more time to touch base with this. But thank you so much for your call, and I wish you some happiness, at least with your three-month-old. Thank you.

Thank you, Lucretia.

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Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Competition is an essential element of sports and capitalism, but it has no place in a romantic relationship. You must never feel that you have to beat your partner at anything except in pure fun, such as a good-natured game of Scrabble. Sometimes partners unwisely compete over who makes the most money or progresses faster in their career.

Take joy in your partner's achievements and have enough self-esteem not to feel inferior, resentful, or jealous when your partner achieves something significant. Your own worth and character can never be enhanced or diminished by your partner's achievements or failures. Your own self-esteem comes from your own choices and actions. You can download chapter one for free by going to Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at amazon.com.