The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Dominic, you have a relationship question?

Yes, doctor, I'm currently not in a relationship, or we haven't been for about six months, but we've been off and on, and I just seem to keep making the wrong decisions. I'm not really good at showing my emotions.

How old are you?

Twenty-five.

Okay, and you dated this. Are you interested in this woman?

Yes, yes. We dated for about a year, and then about six months ago, we called it off, but we've still been seeing each other kind of off and on, and then just recently, we got into an argument, and so we stopped talking. And I'm just really tired of being off and on, and I want to just try to get back to where I once was.

Okay. When you say you want to get back to what you once were, to being happy, to make somebody else happy, because seeing other people happy brings me a lot of joy.

You said that you're not good at showing emotions. That will definitely undermine a relationship. Can you give me one example of that?

Like when we're arguing, I try to make things right by buying gifts or just complimenting and complimenting, trying to show her how I feel. I think I almost do it too much to where it pushes her away, and she doesn't want to hear it. Or she thinks that when I'm buying her stuff, I'm just trying to buy her love or her care.

Okay, and so you've done some really good thinking about this. How do you think you came upon that as a coping strategy for yourself?

I'm not sure. It's just, you know, when I would do something wrong or when I wanted to make it up to them. I wanted to show them how it felt. You know, I feel really good when someone buys me a gift or gives me a compliment. So I try to do the same for them.

How about in your family of origin, mom and dad and any siblings? When arguments went on, how did they get resolved?

You know, that's pretty much how it would happen with my mother and father. If he would get into an argument with either us or my mother, it was always his way of showing us that he cared by just buying us something or giving us a physical material present.

Yeah, you smiled when you said that. You had a smile in your voice, yeah. Why is that?

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

What was the smile in your voice?

Just because I was kind of thinking that when you said, "Where did the origin come from?" It did stem from, I guess, my parents. From seeing that, my dad usually got my mother back or got us happy when he would get us stuff.

Okay, so you want to have a lot of empathy for yourself. You saw Dad using a coping strategy. Did it work with mom? Did she melt in his arms, or did she feel like it pushed her away? Did you observe that she felt pushed away, and she felt like he was trying to buy her?

I think she felt like nothing good actually made her happy. She cared, but for us as kids, we kind of thought differently.

How did you feel?

Just that he was probably just trying to buy it.

Okay? So the same principle. It's very difficult to change a strategy if you don't identify it. You did some very good work just now identifying it, and that means that you can catch it. You can smile with your girlfriend, if she's willing to consider it again. And you can, instead of the gift, what did you really want from Dad?

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com.

Hmm. The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting, and that means that you can catch it. You can smile with your girlfriend, if she's willing to consider it again. And you can, instead of the gift, what did you really want from Dad?

Interesting. So if you try just a hug, and there's another I would put a little twist in that. I would give a hug and a listening ear. What I want most when I'm feeling misunderstood is to be listened to. I want my partner not to say, "Yes, but I did this," or "You did this." You know, I don't want them to shoot me down. I want them to be there in the moment with me and say, "Let me help me understand how you're feeling right now. It sounds like you're feeling really hurt. Tell me, what is it that I might have done that made you feel so hurt?" And she may say, "Well, you screamed at me, you yelled at me, or you didn't listen to me." And you say, "Can you tell me a little bit more about that and how I could do differently next time?" It's like you ask for information, "How might I work with you as a partner?" That works for you too.

Yeah, yeah. So where she has she cut it off permanently with you?

No, it's kind of just, we'll take it one day at a time, I know.

So if you try to listen there, if you get books on communication skills, there's a book, "Couples Skills" by McKay and some other authors. You can go to my website, DrKenner.com and take a look at the books. But these are skills that all therapists teach, and you can get them in self-help books too. And you need to know how to listen. If you—if active listening, let's say that you're—let's see if we have time to do this. If you're angry with me because I stood you up. I'll be—I'll be a fill-in-the-blank girlfriend, and you're angry with me, and so try to tell me how you're feeling. I was a half hour late for you when we missed the movie. What might you say to me?

Dominic, that just tears my feelings. You know, I put in the time and effort to make it, and you know, I don't understand why you couldn't do the same.

You know, I can see you're really hurting, and I tried to—see the minute I start talking about me, how are you going to feel? I tried to rush, but I couldn't help it, there was a lot of traffic. Can you hear my voice changing? So right there, I broke the connection. But if I go a different route, you know, honey, I can hear that, and I hate it when people are late for me too. I will really make an effort not to let that happen, or at least to call you right away if I get into traffic. I actually wasn't in traffic. I just decided to wash my hair last minute, and I was running late. How do you feel now?

A lot better.

Isn't that interesting? And I didn't even have to make up any lies. When people make up lies, we read right through them. You know, the big traffic jams or whatever, or I stopped for coffee. I knew it. I appreciate it when, if a client slips for me, they tell me the truth. I really value that, even if I don't like what they did. I went for coffee, and then I did this, and then I did that. But I love their connection, their relationship to themselves. They focus on facts that they don't try to jury-rig everything and lie and tell these little white lies. I think those are very damaging. So I think if you learn what's called active listening, you could probably even Google it and get some information on it. I think you will be a dynamite partner for some woman, if not this one, some other woman in the future.

So thank you so very much for your call, Dominic.

Thank you very much.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Maybe I'm not made to dance. Kidly, you like dancing, then you were made to dance. I want to dance more than anything. It's just, I know I suck. My mom and dad paid so much for my lessons. But there is the problem. You need to dance for yourself, not for anybody else.

And that's from "Take the Lead." And that is so true about your own life. You need to go through life not always focused on, "How did they want me to do? X? What would they like? How did they think?" Not always following in everybody else's footsteps and never having your own ideas, never having your own thoughts, but just squashing them within yourself. You don't want to do that. You want to live your life as if you're dancing for the pure joy of dancing. Figure out what career you want, what would work in romance for you, and go look for that partner. What will work is a hobby for you or leisure activity, and what would—who are your friends? Take a close look at them. What friends are good for you? Long range, meaning they're not barflies. They're not trying to torture you and bring you down, or they're not a drain on your time and your energy, but they really add to your life. You want to make your life feel like you're dancing for yourself with a whole lot of good company around.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance" by psychologist Dr. Kenner and Dr. Locke:

What can you do to help safeguard your relationship against cheating? First, hold on to your moral character. Second, remind yourself of all the reasons why you love your partner and what the relationship means to you. Make these reasons objective by expressing them in words to your partner. Columnist Sue Schellenbarger gives another suggestion in her article, "Honey, I'm Thinking of Having an Affair." She advises that you talk openly with your partner about being attracted to someone else while your relationship is still on firm ground. Agree in writing, if necessary, that if either of you feel sexually attracted to someone else, you'll bring it out in the open right away. Also, discuss in advance what situations put you at risk, a business trip with a sexy coworker, a holiday party with an open bar. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book on Amazon.com.