The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here is a question that I received from Tom:

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I am a retired systems analyst, father of four, and an Army veteran. Unfortunately, I've been married and divorced three times. I supported my first wife through law school, and one night I found her in bed with one of her fellow law students. My second wife wanted to join a country band, and I encouraged her to pursue her dreams. She ended up sleeping with the drummer. The third time I got in an argument with my wife's father, she got mad at me and left with him. I was faithful to each wife, never abused them, and never used drugs. I had a steady and stable, high-income employment. Now I'm 60 years old, and I still have hope that there's a woman out there with whom I can connect. I will never marry again, though, and I have empathy for you there.

In my opinion, this is continuing with Tom's question. In my opinion, the women's lib movement caused more divorces and has been a destructive force in our culture. My second divorce destroyed not only me but my four children. They needed me around. My first two wives were, in quote, seeking fulfillment. Nothing wrong with fulfillment, but it shouldn't come ahead of your responsibilities to your family. How can I find an independent woman at my age who has the maturity and character to remain faithful and committed?

Sincerely, Tom.

Tom, the first thing I want to note is that you've got some strengths going there. The first one is that you've had an amazingly productive career, according to what you've said. Not only financially, but it sounds like you've been a systems analyst. You also had a longer email and included more in that. You also have not killed your desire for a romantic relationship, which is amazing after three divorces, I guess. And you have a genuine sadness about your kids now; I assume that they're grown up now, and I'm wondering if there's any possibility of still connecting with the four kids. So that's something. My guess is you've turned that over many times. Maybe you've thrown in the towel there. I would recommend thinking about that carefully. Maybe there's good reason to throw in the towel if you have—maybe not.

Let's get to romance now, because that's your key question: romance. How do you set out after you have been hurt profoundly? Two of your wives had affairs on you, and the third one just up and left with her dad, just angry at you when you got into some argument with the dad.

So, what you want to do is—and I'm sure you've done this too—take a very careful look at your three marriages. Because on one hand, it's easy to say, "Boy, did you have bad luck, or did you choose poorly?" But with any of us, we really, really benefit from asking ourselves, "Did I contribute to it in any way?" And maybe the answer will be no, but at least you gave yourself the opportunity to think through it.

So the first thing you could start with is: What did I do in my relationships that I liked? Did the attraction that I felt with my wife feel mutual or not? Did I do too much in some areas? That happens in some relationships. Especially in the 1950s relationship, many times the husband was the key person who was the breadwinner, and the wife would stay at home with the kids and be barefoot and pregnant, and that gets old very quickly for many women—not for all, but for many women, especially a woman who's a little ambitious and wants to do something interesting with her life.

So maybe you did a little too much. Many of us are guilty of that. I know I'm trying to curb myself from doing too much for others, especially things they can do for themselves. And maybe you did too little in other areas—maybe not. But if you were working all the time, is it possible that your garden needed watering a little bit, meaning your wife—your first met in your first marriage or your second marriage—needed tending to a little bit more? Maybe not. Maybe that doesn't fit your situation.

One other thing you can do is look at your what's called a love trajectory. If you look over time, some people have a very close beginning, and then they fall off a cliff. They have one big argument, and it's over. Some people gradually are in love at the beginning, so the trajectory is up high, and then gradually, over time, you'd see an arrow heading gently down a slope, until they get divorced, but it happens over maybe two decades.

So you want to look at your love trajectory within each of your three marriages to see if there were any patterns. What I would highly, highly recommend is the book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke, and it's called The Selfish Path to Romance. And you might think, "Oh my gosh, that's the worst title I ever heard." You might want to think again on that because it is yourself, your happiness, your desire for romance that makes your life happy. If you give up on romance, you give up on life; you're not going to be happy. You want to preserve yourself.

So selfish—the way that I use it, and the way that my favorite author, Ayn Rand, uses it—is self-valuing, self-esteem, self-respect. That's what you want to keep. You want to know our subtitle is "How to Love with Passion and Reason." You can go to my website, DrKenner.com. Our book is on Amazon again, The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. And what we have in that book is talking about how to choose a partner, how to manage relationships, how to find better women. You need to go to places where the type of woman you're looking for is, perhaps a conference or an online group.

Now a quick, my last comment will be on the women's lib movement. I love that it recognized that women have minds. They don't have to be barefoot and pregnant unless they choose to, and they can pursue interesting careers. The cons are that that movement, in many ways, was anti-man and anti-romantic love. And during that period, the '60s and I guess the '70s and '80s, you also had that free love movement—love the one you're with—that's very devastating. You want a woman of good character, and I wish you the best in finding one.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke:

Some partners will, from time to time, meet someone attractive or intriguing outside the marriage or partnership. Most will not openly communicate this to their partner. Why? First, they fear their partner's response. Will he get angry or leave me when I tell him I've been flirting with Jay at work? Will she have a nervous breakdown when she learns that I've gone to the gym early just to talk with Sherry?

Second, some love the forbidden feelings and don't want to spoil the pleasure. Such partners rationalize, "What my partner doesn't know won't hurt." Third, thoughts of adultery generate chronic guilt that a partner will try to suppress rather than confront. Unfortunately, this often makes them stronger and may even eventually lead to later regretted actions, landing partners in divorce court.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.