The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Jennifer, you're looking to escape an unpleasant romantic situation.

Well, I live in an isolated area, and a few months ago we had to deal with a rodent invasion, and I'm kind of OCD about it, and haven't been able to, and a perfectionist, so I haven't been able to really clean anything, and my boyfriend's just gotten sick of it, which is understandable and well, and I just, I'm, you know, trying to remedy those things, but they're a slow remedy, of course. And anyhow, he said that he wanted me out, but for me to be out, you know, since we live in isolation, I don't have any money or anything like that, but if I had to go back to my parents' house, which is five states away, I'd have to live with an abusive father, okay?

And when you say abusive, you just give one quick snapshot of the worst of what he's wrangling being thrown. Oh, man, he's physically abusive, and you can't call him the—you can't report him. Um, well, it's kind of like either I stay at with my mom and dad, yeah, or I'm out on the street type thing.

Okay, so I see it's a desperate situation for you, no relatives, no friends.

I do have, well, my only grandparents that are left alive are coming up on 90. Are they? And I definitely don't want to go there.

But are they abusive?

No, no, no, I don't want to burden them or anything like that.

Well, that could be a help to them, then.

No, really, it can be a win-win situation, and you protect yourself from the abuser in your life, your father, and it's just a transition period. This is the key point I want to make right now for you: that whenever I hit a snag in my life, or whenever any of my clients hit a snag, or friends, when we frame it as a transition period, it's not the essence of our life, it's just a rough point in our life. Then it's almost like you're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, even when you begin, okay?

And so if you see it as just a transition period, because listen, if you've got the wherewithal to get on the phone and give me a call, that tells me that you have the smarts to do things that are protective of yourself, and you're facing one of the most difficult situations of your life, a point in time when you feel like you have nothing going for you.

Would your boyfriend give you some money?

Well, it's kind of hard. I mean, I can't really talk to him about anything, but he just takes things to an extreme and blows up. But he has been offering some financial help, but sometimes he goes back and forth.

Okay, quite unsure if he's—he has to be able to live with himself.

Jennifer, have you someone recently called who had a similar situation? Was that you a few—a little while back?

Like about a week or two ago? Yeah, yep.

Okay, okay, so if it's the same situation, I don't remember all the details, but if he—it was, it was—

It was actually he wanted to move. He wanted to—I wanted to move, right? Like I said, we're in isolation, and he wanted to stay, right?

And the situation was that you had helped him move out there, and he was supposed to only temporarily be there, and he decided he could climb the ladder easier if he stayed in this remote area, and it would be better for his career. So he's chosen career over you, and it sounds like the rodents are just a side issue when they kind of mess things up a bit.

You said rodents like mice and rats, or things like little creepy things, right?

Right, right? Little furry things. So if he's—you both have this problem to solve. It's not just your problem to solve.

And if he sees that you came out there with him with the understanding that he was going to stay to leave, it was only going to be short-lived, and that didn't end up that way. He's changing his mind.

Then absolutely it's to his advantage to financially help you relocate. And when I say relocate, he doesn't have to pay you what a business would pay you to relocate. They do call him reload costs or whatever.

But he could, if he's offering you a few hundred, or I don't know what is within your budget, or a thousand or whatnot, to get a ticket to fly home or to take a bus home or whatnot, and I would go to—

Hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

Get a ticket to fly home or to take a bus home or whatnot, and I would go to your grandparents and offer to be their housekeeper for a little while, while you simultaneously find a job, and it's only temporary. You would be able to—and you would need to do your own thinking, because obviously I don't have the richness of the context of your background.

Or if you had a friend that would let you take, let you come in and help out around the house in payment for maybe they are lonely and they want a roommate. Now, you're not going to sell sexual favors. I'm not, you know, saying to go—obviously not to go there, but the way you manage this can build—this can be a source of pride for you.

And if he's willing, if you can work with him, and you can say, "Listen, I know that my discomfort with the mice was really just the tip of the iceberg. It's my way of saying that I don't want to live isolated. There's not much for me here, and I know you're choosing your career, and that's important to you. I understand that. I really would like us to work together so that you help me make the transition away from here."

And if he's sometimes offered to help you out, graciously accept it. Work with him. Don't say, "Oh no, no, no, I'll do it myself," or whatnot, because you're shooting yourself in the foot.

And just look at it as a problem to solve. And think, would you have a few skills that where you could help yourself, um, get a job, you know, as far as moving or when I get to where I need to be?

When you get to where you need to be, could you work for a temp agency?

Oh, yeah, okay, and I don't, you know, I would have qualms about—I would think about doing that. I don't think I would advise you to move back myself. I'd rather move back to a shelter than to move back with an abusive parent. That's my own take, but I would recommend moving in with your grandparents, because they're readily available and would probably like a little assistance, and you don't make that permanent.

You let them know it's just as a maybe for a month, you know, and then see where it goes from there. So don't over-promise them.

So listen. Thank you so much for your call, and I wish you the best. And if you ever want to just touch base and email me, let me know how things go. I'd be curious to hear.

Okay, what was your email?

You can go to my website, DrKenner.com.

Okay, okay. Thank you so much, Jennifer.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

What do you think is power, whips, guns, money? You can't turn men into slaves unless you break their spirit, kill their capacity to think and act on their own, tie them together, teach them to conform, to unite, to agree, to obey. That makes one neck ready for one leash, Ellsworth, and that is from the book The Fountainhead, and Ellsworth is the villain in it.

And if you want to know the mind of someone who's trying to control you, I highly recommend reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. It's telling people that they can't trust their own mind, that there's something above it, and yeah, you can put anything above it. It doesn't matter whether it's the village, the nation, the race, or whatnot, the—some god. You put it above it, and a person starts to doubt their own mind.

Well, that's self-doubt. And then you don't own your own life, and when you make them feel guilty for pursuing life or pursuing their dreams, whether it's a career they enjoy, or a romantic relationship they enjoy, or friendships or just some leisure activities that they enjoy, if they are made to feel guilty for pursuing what brings happiness, then you've got the noose around their neck, and you never want that to happen to yourself.

And I know I armed myself by reading The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, and I highly recommend them.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

And please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Even though you may already understand a lot about your partner, knowing him or her is a continuous learning process that takes years. Here are some aspects of your partner you want to find out about.

What are your partner's intellectual interests? What does your partner like to discuss, learn, read, and think about? What hobbies and sports does your partner enjoy and why? What types of art or recreational pursuits does your partner like, and why? Asking why helps you and your partner define some of your core values.

What are your partner's favorite and least favorite foods and drinks? What is your partner's personal style? Do you know his or her favorite color, style of clothing, and decorating preferences?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.