The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here's a question I received from Jacques.

Dear Dr. Kenner, last week, my 20-year-old girlfriend, Chantelle, left me, but I still love her. I am 23 years old. Our main problem is that she didn't want sex the way I wanted it. She could never give me a reason why. Last summer, she said she would do it, but didn't. So I gave her fewer compliments, and I withdrew emotionally. I rejected her more and more. When she broke up, I stopped communication. Have you any advice on how I can get her back?

Before this became such a big deal in our lives, we had a wonderful relationship, and I think since I read your book, it would be even better in the future. Thanks a lot.

Shock. And again, my book is "The Selfish Path to Romance." My book is a book that I wrote along with Ed Locke. It's the selfish path to romance, and you could get that on Amazon.

So now back to Jacques. You are still relatively young. You're in your early 20s, and like myself and my husband, you're still learning about how to have a good relationship. Many people never learn. And you have discovered very early on what does not work. And of course, you're paying the price of it, of having lost Chantelle, and I doubt that she'll want to return because you guys, especially on your part, used some methods that I would guarantee would sabotage any relationship. And it's been going on for a while. It's not just like you gave her the silent treatment once, and then you learned from that; it's that it has been going on for months, if not a little longer.

So I'm going to cover the two main problems that I hear are, and then I want to give you some tips for moving forward.

First, you want to know how to communicate with your partner, and you want to understand that a good relationship is a partnership, meaning both people win. It's a win-win relationship. And that doesn't mean you get everything you want.

So the first method you used that doesn't work is pressuring her. When you pressure Chantelle to have sex a certain way, and you're unrelenting about it, I mean, this was something that you weren't letting up on. She would experience it, at best, as, "Oh, you're a big nag," and at worst, as you're saying to her, she's not a good person, that she is no good unless she satisfies you the way you want.

So you can already hear the tone of that, and sex then becomes, for her anyway, as it often does with women—women who don't know their own bodies and don't know how to speak up—it becomes a duty, something she would do to please you, some chore on her to-do list that brings her not much satisfaction. Typically, women who follow this pattern, and any men too, but it's more often with women, end up saying, "I could live my whole life without sex," and they feel self-contempt if they engage in activities that they don't enjoy, and they feel they have to do it out of duty.

So the problem is the pressure that you put on her. She has to do this. Why is she not doing it?

Then the second thing you did wrong is that when she didn't do it, and you asked her, "Why? Why?" I don't know if that was a "why" that was encouraging her to talk, or a "why" saying, "What the heck's wrong with you? Why won't you do what I like sexually?"

You responded with a coping strategy, which, again, is very normal, but normal is not good, which is that you pulled away; you had that emotional withdrawal. So she found that the sex, the way that you wanted it, was distasteful, and you turned cold.

So there is an implied threat there: "Do this, or else I'll treat you as invisible. You only matter if you give me sex the way I want it." That's the implied threat, and that's not going to help her feel cozy with you.

It might make some women feel guilty. With a more insecure woman, she might give in, and she might do what you want, or it might make her feel frustrated, and that frustration, over time, can turn to anger. It's not fair, and after a while, she'll just break it off, which is what sounds like it's happening in this case.

In this type of situation, the relationship that you're trying to carve out with her, that she does what you want, is definitely not a loving one. It's a controlling one, and you don't want to go through life experiencing yourself as a controlling person.

So if she did, in this case, your girlfriend, Chantelle, had more self-respect. She did stay in it for a while, and the relationship ended, so it became very sex-focused. Not good.

You did say that you had a wonderful relationship to begin with, so you can reflect back on the good things that you did.

This is the second part. What do you do next? Reflect back on what went well, and see if it was not mutually pleasing, not just in romance, not just in sex, but in the relationship itself.

Now to talk, to give you a few tips on sex. To enjoy sex together, both of you must know that sex is healthy and good when done with loving partners, without violating each other's trust, without trying to be controlling.

So if either of you holds ideas from your past that sex is gross or dirty or something that you do only for procreation, then you do want to think again.

And when you mentioned our book, "The Selfish Path to Romance," how to love with passion and reason without losing yourself by Dr. Ed Locke and Ellen Kenner, our chapters on sex talk about how to first, they dispel the idea that sex is dirty, and that is so refreshing to hear. And then we talk about how to connect with one another.

Now, it's not easy to get rid of old ideas from your past, but certainly, you need some place to start, and the book would be a good start, and you can get that on Amazon.com too.

And the second is knowing your own body, what feels good, what doesn't. Maybe your girlfriend, Chantelle, needed to know her own body better. Maybe she did know it and was trying to tell you, and you didn't hear. That's the third point. You need to communicate with one another in intimacy, what you like, what you don't like, and she does the same thing.

And the fourth point is you actively listen to one another. Really hear one another. And then the fifth point is learn how to compromise and experiment within each other's boundaries.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from "The Selfish Path to Romance," the serious romance guidebook by psychologists Drs. Kenner and Locke.

If you are rejected by a partner you like, you can ask for honest feedback. Use your own judgment in evaluating the feedback. For example, if your ex-partner attacks a good quality, such as telling you that you are too intelligent, then you know what to do. Find a more intelligent partner; anyone who is too insecure to appreciate your mind is not for you.

In contrast, if your ex-partner makes a valid criticism and points out that you are dishonest, unhealthily overweight, domineering, narcissistic, drink too much, or some other legitimate complaint, then acknowledge to yourself that you are less lovable than you could be, and take steps to correct such problems.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy "The Selfish Path to Romance" at Amazon.com.