The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Now, what do you do if you're dating and every time you meet a woman, it goes sour and you're trying to figure out why? Here's a question from Justin:

Dear Dr. Kenner, my strong desire for integrity is sabotaging my chances for an exceptional relationship. I am 50 years old, and I would love to find that special woman. When I meet a new woman, I want to be honest about my childhood. To do otherwise feels deceptive and manipulative. I had a loveless and un-nurturing family growing up, and to hide this fact seems wrong. Yet I found that when I openly talk about the details, I am being judged negatively for what other family members did, not me. Instead of admiring my openness and my honesty, my past seems to be a relationship breaker.

I recently shared my background on a date with Jenny. I was hoping to hear her say, “Man, you've overcome a lot, and you are so courageous. You are so different from your family.” But the reaction I got was simply, “Thanks, bye.” And this happens time and time again. Is it unreasonable to have expected Jenny to quickly surmise my good character traits and my desire to commit to one lovely person?

Justin, I think so. And I don't think it's your desire for integrity or for full disclosure that may be getting in the way of a good relationship. I think it may be more about how and when you present that information. Jenny, or any decent woman that you're looking at as a potential partner and you're dating, what that woman would want to know is, who are you now, first and foremost, not so much all of the history of your past or any abuse or neglect.

So if on a first date, the facts you choose to present are those of a loveless and un-nurturing childhood in the name of integrity and full disclosure, rather than facts about who you are now—what are your interests? What are your hobbies? What do you enjoy about your career? What don't you enjoy about your career? What makes you smile and laugh? If you focus instead on your childhood, then I'm not surprised that it's a relationship turn-off on those initial dates.

A woman’s going to want...

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

On those initial dates, a woman is going to want to get a feel for how easy you are to be around, how comfortable she feels with you, how visible she feels with you. Are you a good listener? Are you just talking about yourself or encouraging her to talk about herself and what's important in her life? If you come out in the spotlight in the name of integrity with any abuse or neglect from your family growing up, even though it may be central to your own pride in the obstacles that you've overcome so well, you may come across as someone who wants victim status, or you may sound needy or desperate, or you may sound like someone who focuses on negatives first.

She also may worry about any baggage you could bring into the relationship from a difficult past. And you know, if you're thinking of marriage, the woman, your potential partner, a date, or Jenny, may be thinking about, “Oh my God, if I marry him, my in-laws are going to be a pain in the butt.” Now, I'm assuming this. Your parents are still alive, so you don't want to come out with that necessarily on your first date, and you also don't want to define yourself primarily by having escaped the destructive path that your own family was on.

Instead, you can focus on your current values and any goals that you're pursuing. So again, getting back to the integrity piece, having integrity doesn't mean you have to bear your soul about your past on the first dates. If asked on a first date, you can indicate that your family was difficult. However, you don't need to make it the central focus of the “get to know me.”

So, you know, I think when I was listening to your situation, I was thinking of a man whom I recently met. My husband and I were on vacation, and he looked troubled, and he says, “You know, I've been through very difficult times.” And so what does that do? That invites a response from me, saying, “You know, what's up? What happened?”

And he very nicely said to me, “Maybe I'll share those with you as we get to know one another better.” That felt proper. It was too soon for him to bear his soul to me; he was a relative stranger. He needed to see if any friendship developed between us before he disclosed any painful personal information, including information about his past.

So notice he did not violate his own integrity by not giving me full disclosure. He was acting properly—properly respecting himself and wanting for us to get to know one another better before he went into that layer of personal details. And he also was not deceiving me. So that might be good to keep in mind: you can enjoy meeting women; focus on being forward-moving, not so much past-focused, and that might help you a lot more.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

Someone wrote a quick question: I have searched through the DSM-IV—that's like the Bible of clinical disorders—as well as studied during an abnormal psychology university course, but to no avail. My question is, is there a mental disorder that is centered around the absolute adoration of a fictional character? Thanks for your time.

So I'm assuming that you are in love with some fictional character you met, and I am going to assume that she's a heroine, or it could be a he, because I don't know if you're male or female. A heroine, but I'll use that for an example. Hero worship is soul food. It's the fuel that we thrive on. If you are in love with a fictional character, you obviously want to use that as a guide in your life. What character traits does she have that you admire, that you want for yourself, number one, and that you want to look for in a woman?

Now, be realistic: it is a fictional character, so you may not find exactly what you're looking for, but it's wonderful to have that response to a fictional character, assuming, again, that she's a healthy character, and use it as a guide in your own life. That's phenomenal to be able to do that.

So wishing you the best in romance. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Here are some financial issues couples planning on marriage need to discuss ahead of time, rather than ending up with painful or bitter conflicts later on. What are your financial assets, liabilities, and debt situation? What are your career aspirations? Do both parties plan to work? What if you have children? What would you like to do with the money you earn? Is a prenuptial agreement needed to protect both of your interests? How would financial responsibilities be divided between you, and if one spouse makes more money than the other, how will spending decisions be managed?

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.