The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Welcome, Bianca.

Hi, Dr. Kenner. How are you?

Oh, very good. You’re having problems as a newlywed?

Yeah, yeah.

Tell me what’s going on.

Okay, so I’m going to give an example. Like today, me and my husband—we’ve been married, I want to say, for about 10 months. Right now, I am eight months pregnant. We have our little one on the way, and it’s just been difficult, I guess, because my husband and I are young. We’re 20.

You’re both 20 years old?

Yes, ma’am.

Okay, and I have a two-year-old daughter that’s not from him, but, I mean, he loves her, he accepts everything. But just throughout our relationship, I went into it knowing that I loved him and knowing that I was going to devote myself to him. And he was still, you know, kind of sneaky and deceiving.

Sneaky and deceiving? What are you talking about? Girls on the side?

Yes.

Ma’am, what do you mean?

Yeah, he was still talking to girls even after we got married.

This was when you were married?

Yes, ma’am.

How long have you been married?

We’ve been married now for about 10 months.

Married for 10 months?

Yes, Ma’am, it’s going to be a year in April.

Okay. And so you’re eight months pregnant. You got pregnant two months into marriage?

Yes, ma’am.

And he’s talking to other girls. Give me some visuals. What’s going on?

Like, before... like he hasn’t—this is all last year. I want to say he actually stopped in January.

He stopped in January?

Yes, ma’am, because I told him that I was going to leave him, that we’d get divorced. I was serious. He’s in the army, and I guess I gave him somewhat of a reality check. He works in two different states—he’s from St. Louis, Missouri, and I’m from El Paso, Texas. So, you know, I was brought up in a real close-knit family, and where he’s from, he says people don’t get married. He grew up without a father, you know, and I grew up with both of my parents. I want to say I grew up fairly well; we always had whatever we wanted. He didn’t have that kind of lifestyle. And he says that ultimately, we’re not going to make it because we’re like from two different planets.

Yeah, that’s what it sounds like. What made you decide to marry him?

I married him because... when we had gone out, I want to say, for like two or three months before we got married, I just instantly fell in love with him. Before him, I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my first child, my daughter. After that, I went celibate for a year. I wasn’t worried about guys, just focused on schoolwork and my daughter. When I met my husband, he was just so awesome and fun and loving, and it seemed like he was all about me. He was so different; he wasn’t from Texas. The boys I’m used to... it’s the same old thing; they don’t have that passion for life.

That charge in life that you admired—he had an enthusiasm, a passion for life, and he focused on you?

Yes, he was into me, as they say. But then how did he become interested in other women while he was interested in you? What’s going on there?

I guess he said he had a lot of female friends, which... I had a lot of male friends, too. But the thing is, I can have an actual platonic relationship with a male, knowing that I don’t want to get with them. I have self-control. Aside from that, I have respect for myself.

And he’s had sex with other women while married to you?

No, ma’am. He doesn’t have social relationships like that. But one of the girls he was talking to sent him a naked picture on his cell phone.

She sent him a naked picture?

Yes.

Okay, so she’s definitely crossing the line and teasing him, giving him an incentive to move toward an affair.

Yeah, he’s been talking to girls over the internet. He’s like, “Man, it’s just a game to me.” And I’m like, “How is our relationship a game to you?” Maybe you’re doing things that are ultimately going to destroy our relationship. Why would you play with fire if you’re going to get burned?

And what does he say to that? That’s an excellent point.

Hey, I’ve got to interrupt this, because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds—that’s it. A very quick break, and then we’ll be back.

Romance... Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is, The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at SelfishRomance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance... that is interesting.

And I’m like, “How is our relationship a game? With you doing things that are ultimately going to destroy our relationship, why would you play with fire if you’re going to get burned?” And what does he say to that?

He said, “No, like, I’m not wrong. This is just a game. It’s something petty.” He says I’ve never been in the real world because I’ve lived in my city my whole life.

Okay, I want to disagree with him there. If you’re looking for a passionate romantic relationship, he can’t be playing on the side. I don’t care where in the world you are; it is painful if you’re… He may not want an exclusive romantic relationship. Some guys get married but feel suffocated, like they’re imprisoned. If that’s what he feels, then what can you do? You chose based on the knowledge you had at the time, but you didn’t have all the cards, did you?

No, I didn’t.

If he’s saying that it’s petty, why can’t he give it up?

That’s what I tell him. And he’s just like, “Okay, whatever.” He thinks it’s all a joke to me. And I’m like, “Well, if it’s nothing, then give it up.” But he doesn’t feel like he’s doing anything wrong. He’s very stubborn.

I don’t get into astrological signs; I think that’s all silliness. But here’s what happens when you’re looking for a romantic partner: you meet someone, but if you don’t know them across many different aspects of their life—if you don’t see them under stressful situations, like when you’re pregnant—it’s difficult. Now you’re eight months pregnant, and it’s challenging with intimacy; things get a little shaky during that period. That’s when you need to bond most closely, not drift apart.

I tell him, but sometimes I get emotional. I’m not big on crying; I’m usually the type who doesn’t cry. But the things he does... I just don’t understand, because I’m a very positive person. I don’t think negatively. I see life as a half-full cup. And he’s like, “In the real world, you can’t think like that.”

He keeps using the “real world” excuse for whatever he wants to do that doesn’t match what you want, and he’s taking advantage of the fact that he’s from St. Louis, and you’re from El Paso. So what I would recommend is for you to take a very close look at whether he’s the right partner for you. Continue to communicate with him, because maybe he’ll grow up and see that if he wants a genuine, romantic relationship, he needs to commit fully. Many people stay in unhappy marriages just because of the kids. But you want to take your life seriously. What are your options if you were to leave? Where would you go?

I guess back to... because I don’t want to go back to my family. My sisters are all older, but they live with my mom, and we’re a really close family.

We’re at the end of time. So here’s what I recommend: take your life seriously and ask yourself, “Is he good for me?” If you’re anxious, especially when you’re about to have a baby and need his support most, is he the right partner? Communicate openly with him, try counseling if possible. There’s a book, Couple Skills, by Matthew McKay; you can find it on my website, DrKenner.com. I wish you a lot of success with this. I’m Dr. Ellen Kenner on the rational basis of happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke:

Compatible personalities are crucial to romance. Being compatible does not mean being identical. It means that partners do not constantly clash but make each other happy daily. Nor is it the case that opposites necessarily attract. This may be true of some traits, but not others. An introverted man might enjoy the way an extroverted woman brings him out of his shell, while an extroverted man might feel at peace with a quiet, self-contained woman. On the other hand, many people prefer partners with similar personalities. Adventurous people, for example, usually prefer partners who are the same.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.