The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Now, speaking of dating, see what you think about this problem. This is a guy, Metton, who wrote to me, "Ma'am, please tell me where the problem is. I am unable to get at least one girlfriend. If I want to get in touch with one particular girl, I can't seem to win. I'll give you some examples so you can see the pattern.

Example one: I met Judy at her home and started flirting. I called her up another time and found out that she had just gotten married and had moved away.

Example two: I found one girl online, and we became good friends. We chatted daily; we emailed. She suddenly got a job in a foreign country, and she forgot about me. She doesn't even reply to my emails. Why? Of course, we never met in person, but still.

Example three: I met a girl who works at the bank and went back the next day to talk with her more, and I found out she left her job.

Example four: This is the last one. I saw a girl at church. I considered trying to meet her that day, but church was crowded, and I couldn't find her later.

Please tell me what's happening here. Of course, I try to think positively, but I'm worried that I might have a psychological problem, or maybe this is just my fate."

Metton, about fate, I think the whole fate thing is absolutely utter nonsense. You are not fated to lose every woman that you meet. Certainly, you can look at these examples and say, "Is there anything I did that's a bit off-putting? Did I, you know, use too much pressure? Was I obnoxious? Was I pleading and begging and sounded like a wimp or something?" You can certainly look at what you're doing, but in terms of it being fate—that's complete nonsense. This is utter coincidence. Each one of these examples is a very different example. You met online, and you chatted daily, and then she moves. Well, her whole life is in disarray now. A woman works at the bank, and you just went back to talk to her, and she left the job. Well, I don't think she left the job because of you. There are so many other factors in her life. You found a girl at church. You couldn't find her later. Well, look the next day; you don't want to give up, and you certainly don't want to jump to wrong conclusions.

In cognitive therapy, we call that technically "stinking thinking." It's stinking thinking. If you're from Rhode Island, it's without the G's too. So what happens is, when any of us go through a series of disappointments, it's easy for us to jump to the wrong conclusions. I'll use your example—you would be ripe for jumping to what we call "catastrophic conclusions," such as: "Women I'm attracted to disappear." "I'm jinxed with bad luck." "I'll never find a woman." "Maybe there's something psychologically wrong with me. What is it? Who knows?" "Maybe fate or the universe is set against my romantic happiness." "Maybe I'll always be lonely, and every woman I approach is unavailable, and no woman will love me." Well, those are really global conclusions that basically say, "Give it up, guy, it's over."

You want to be able to use the skill in cognitive therapy called reframing. You want to be able to continue to take the risks that you're taking and to learn dating skills. Yes, there are wonderful dating skills that you can learn. How do you make yourself lovable? Number one, you want to make yourself into a person with self-confidence and self-esteem. Of course, you build that over time. You don't want to fake who you are. You don't want to escape building. If you know you've got some problems, you don't want to run away from them. You want to acknowledge them and make yourself better.

And then the dating skills are: What are some openers when you meet a partner? How do you say hello in a way that's not off-putting to many people? Of course, some people will always be put off by whatever you say. What are you going to do with them? How do you choose the right partner? What are you looking for? What type of values and interests do they have? What type of habits do they have? Can you live with them?

We cover—Dr. Locke and I mentioned our book earlier—The Selfish Path to Romance, which you can get at Amazon.com or SelfishRomance.com. You can go there and read up on it. We have a whole section on finding your soulmate, the whole dating process. We discuss what to look for in a potential partner, how to have fun doing it, how to love your own life, and to never give up on romance for yourself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke, who's world-famous for his theories in goal setting.

What about the question, can there be love at first sight? Strong attraction? Yes, but love at first sight would necessarily be superficial, because not enough can be known about a person at a first look or meeting. First impressions can be very revealing—body language, demeanor, the content of what is said—but these impressions are not necessarily conclusive, even if very positive. However, they might be conclusive if they are very negative, such as when a person endorses values you find offensive. You know you do not need to learn anything more.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.