The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

On the selfish path to romance. Download chapter one for free at Doctor Kenner.com

Sir, you're having difficulty in romance.
Yes, I am.
Okay, and I pronounced your name right?
Yes, ma'am.
Okay. And tell me what's going on.
Me and my partner, both like having sex. I, like, think about it all the time. I’d like to have sex all day, if I could.
Okay. Okay, so, and the problem is, how do you stay together if you've got what’s called a sexual discrepancy—your appetites are different for sex. Correct?
Correct.
Okay, well, one of the things that you can look at is possibly having a more balanced life. You know, I think sex is lovely. When I say lovely, I mean that healthy sex is lovely when there's genuine emotional intimacy between you and your partner, and you really care for one another. That is lovely. However, if you have a discrepancy, guess what starts to happen over time? Well, you already know it, but let me just shift it away from sex, because you can see the same thing with any discrepancy.

Let's say that you and your partner are going out to a restaurant. What's your favorite food?
Spaghetti. I like spaghetti a lot.
You like spaghetti? Okay, you may need to speak a little bit closer to your phone to make sure I hear you clearly. And what does your partner like? What is her favorite food?
She usually likes different pastas, like Italian food.
Yeah. Is there anything she likes that's not pasta, like Chinese food?
Oh yeah. She loves Chinese food.
Okay, do you love Chinese food?
Yeah, we both love it.
Okay, I’m trying to find something that she loves a little more than you do.
She likes to eat soup more than I do.
Okay, so let's say there's a very special soup restaurant near you. It’s farm-fresh soups. They make it with all the fresh veggies, different meats, and it’s absolutely delicious. And she wants to go there every night of the week because they have a different soup each night. Let’s say you like it, but you don’t love it. How are you going to feel?
Like that’s the only thing we eat.
Yeah, it’s going to start to feel a little bit old.
Old and boring.
And let’s say that this is how the conversation goes: "But I really, really want it. I’m really in the mood for the soup. I want it so badly, sir, can’t we just go again tonight? Please, just do it for me." How are you going to feel toward me if I’m pressuring you?
Kind of pressured to do it.
You feel pressured, right? Because I’m asking and begging. Pretty much I’m begging and putting pressure on you. The same thing happens in sex. If one partner has a bigger appetite, they want sex more often than the other. Then, you need to have conversations. It’s very, very common. I would say, in almost every relationship, there is a sexual discrepancy. Sometimes it’s the woman who wants it more, sometimes it’s more often the guy. And how do you communicate with one another? Most people are embarrassed to communicate about it, so the conversation usually goes something like, "Was that okay for you?" "Yeah, it was all right." Does that sound like it was really all right?
No, it sounds like she’s sacrificing.
And if she sacrifices over and over again, it would be like you going to that soup restaurant every night. After a while, does she enjoy sex?
No, it starts to burn out.
And then women—typically women, but sometimes men—wonder, "What happened to my sexual appetite? I used to enjoy intimacy. I used to enjoy sensual feelings, and now, I could go for the rest of my life without it." So, what couples don’t—how long have you been together?
We've been going on seven years. This year, seven years.
Okay, so you guys have a long history. Do you have kids?
Yeah, we have two children.
Two children. Okay, that also complicates things. You did say she enjoys intimacy, though. You think she’s being straight about that?
Yeah, I know her pretty well. She enjoys it. I mean, she works a lot, so we don't really have a lot of sex because I work as well too. So when we do…
She does enjoy it. Well, that’s very, very lovely. I was unaware of that. So, if she enjoys this, that’s wonderful. If it’s too much, then you may—any thoughts that you have? Well, let me give you the term that I find many couples find helpful. You guys want to find a couple's style, one that works for both of you, where both of you get satisfaction, and that means that you need to talk about what's working and what's not. And frequency is one of the things that may be broken that needs some fixing, or maybe damaged a little if you’re wanting it much more frequently.

You need to be able to listen to her. And if she says, "I'm so busy with the kids and work, and I come home, I need time for myself. Please listen to me," you want to be able to do that. Just listen to her and understand her context. And if you want it more frequently, what are you going to do? Any ideas for yourself?
I thought of just letting me go, and sometimes masturbation.
Yep, as you could self-pleasure, or you could just let it go. You know, you could have a hobby or something. So you want to develop a couple's style where both of you can communicate about what works, what time of day works, what mood works, what feels good, what doesn’t feel good. Do you both have to feel the same amount of pleasure? And if maybe not, maybe, maybe some days you’re too tired. Let’s just move it away from sex to a back rub. Maybe some days you are too tired, and we’ll say that we get a rare occasion when you're too tired, sir, and she’s very interested. Well, maybe you could give her, maybe you could just give her a back rub, and she would feel good, or vice versa, she could give you the back rub, and that would feel good. I’m using back rub as a substitute for more graphic terms. Sometimes it is that way.

But I would recommend—my co-author Dr. Ed Locke and I wrote a book called The Selfish Path to Romance, and that word selfish means valuing yourself and your partner, valuing herself. And the subtitle is How to Love with Passion and Reason. And we have a whole section on—actually a few chapters on sex, and we ask, we have exercises at the end, and I can give you a quick example. We ask, "Do you feel emotional intimacy with your partner? If so, what makes it possible? If not, what’s missing?" Another question: "Do you know how to help your partner get into a romantic mood? Does your partner know how to help you get into one?" And you talk about that with one another and come up with a method that just smooths out the rough bumps in that area of your life.

So listen, I thank you so much for the call. If you want my book, you can go to DrKenner.com, or you can just go to SelfishRomance.com—we have a whole website about it.
Thank you so much, sir.
Thank you.
You're welcome.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"What a pleasure to see you again. You look more beautiful than ever. Tell me, what do you think of this building? I’ve been trying to take a poll of the guests—a poll of opinion about it." "What for?" "In order to find out what you think of it yourself."

And that's from The Fountainhead, a movie also with Gary Cooper in it, an older movie. And also from the author Ayn Rand—a fabulous book. In that book, she differentiates between the person who forms their own opinion—"What do you think of this building? Did you like the movie? Do you like this restaurant?"—and the person who feels insecure in their own judgment, always saying, instead of, "Oh, I like this book," or "I didn’t like this book at all," they first ask, "What did you think of it?" And then they formulate their opinion. Ayn Rand calls that the "second-hander." I learned how to think more clearly for myself after reading The Fountainhead. I had a touch of that second-hander in me, afraid to voice my own opinion, and I learned how to change that. So if you have a touch of that yourself, you can learn how to change it. And I would begin by reading that book. It’s a fabulous book, The Fountainhead.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com, and here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Edwin Locke.

Here are some guidelines: it’s necessary for effective communication in romance to periodically summarize what you’ve heard in your own words when necessary for clarification, to make sure you really understand what your partner is saying. For example, "So you're saying that…," or "Did I hear you correctly that…?" Listen for issues that seem tied to strong emotions. Ask what the important value involved is. For example, "The most upsetting aspect of this for you seems to be…," or "Is that what’s making you so sad, angry, or anxious?" Give suggestions only if it’s clear your partner wants them. Often, your partner simply wants to feel understood.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.