The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com and Amazon.com. Now here is a question from Dan, also known as Dr. Ambivalent. That's what he calls himself. So he's someone who appears to be happily married, but all of that changes when he lets us in on his thoughts. You may know people who are in similar situations. Maybe you yourself have a relationship that this rings true for.

Dear Dr. Kenner, my wife, Kay, and I have been in a stable marriage for 25 years. Our kids are now young adults. On the outside, things look fine. We're not throwing things at each other when the shades are drawn, but I've never felt settled in the relationship. I haven't been honest with either of us about this. I think Kay loves me, or at least she enjoys the relationship, meaning she doesn't want a divorce, and I'm not sure I want one either. The problem I've always had is a wandering eye. I have female friends on the side, but I make sure they're in a relationship so there's no temptation to play around. I play by the rules, but I'm not looking forward to a future with my wife, Kay, given what I hear from others: lovers have more fun. Our physical relationship is fine. We are intimate once a week on her schedule. She is not passionless at all, but she has a lot on her mind, and it’s easier for her this way. She is comfortable with me, but I want to get out of the comfort zone. I do love the woman for herself, but I admit I frequently don't really want her for me. Notice Kay turned into "the woman." That's usually not a very good sign in a relationship.

Just finishing up here, Dan. Dr. Ambivalent says, I hate this marriage of convenience disposition. And there are other women out there I'd like to befriend without them thinking that I'm a married creep. I'm friendly with them now, and I show them some interest. And now I'm really feeling old. I'm only age 50, which I know isn't old, but we age at different rates. I don't want to be free and easy at the age of 60 and looking for a relationship then, but I also don't want to be in my marriage of convenience. What do you say? Dan, aka Dr. Ambivalent.

So Dan, what I hear is not ambivalence at all. It started out that way, but it sounds like you are coming clean with yourself. In a nutshell, this is what I hear: I've been married unhappily for 25 years. I've been in a marriage of convenience. We don't have a soulmate connection. Now I don't even enjoy intimacy with my wife. I've got a wandering eye, and I make friends with women, and I think having a lover would be a whole lot more satisfying. But darn it, I'm trapped in my marriage, and I have to play by the darned rules, and that makes me feel old at the age of 50, and not looking forward to a future with Kay, my wife. So what do you do with that?

Well, number one, hey, I got to interrupt this, because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. Oh, I wish guys knew more about what we want from a relationship. Boy, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance, that is interesting.

So what do you do with that? Well, number one, you need clarity. I can't tell whether you want an emotionally intimate relationship with just one person, and your wife isn't that person you've decided that, or whether you want to play the field and have fun with perhaps serial lovers without any marital commitment. So I do hear that growing irritation in your tone, that distancing from your wife, that "the woman."

So here are the two options that you want clarity on. Do you want to play the field, or do you want a real soulmate connection? Because you can't have both. And really, you want to figure out what type of guy you are. If you want to play the field, would it be emotionally satisfying to be carefree at 50 and let your wandering eyes turn into your wandering body? Would you enjoy that? What would be the value to you of that lifestyle? Would it make you feel younger, maybe less bored, more alive? What would be the drawbacks?

Maybe there's something more here. Maybe it's that you're not dissatisfied, Dan, with your marriage with Kay, but maybe you're dissatisfied more fundamentally with yourself. Maybe you're dissatisfied with the choices you've made in your own life, and you're blaming it on the relationship, but you're not happy with yourself. And if that's the case, would you sleeping with other women just be a means of running away from yourself? You know, if you're just playing the field, would that just be a way to temporarily mask again what you're not happy with about yourself?

And you do have two older young adult children, two grown children. What message does it send to them if Daddy suddenly takes off and starts to play the field? So if you're just looking for a physical connection, you want to really question that; that may not— that's not romance in my book. If you want a soulmate connection, you want to ask yourself a few, just some different questions: Why haven't I been honest with myself and my wife all these years? Where are our differences? What would I miss about her if we divorced? If I were honest with her now, how would I feel about myself? Would coming clean feel better? How might she respond? Do you think she already knows how I feel on some level? Most people do; they read body language. Maybe she even shares some similar feelings. You could ask yourself, would there be any chance of us growing together and making our life more interesting? Could she be my lover and I hers in a way that we've never experienced before?

If you think that's a possibility, you guys could go to maybe couples therapy. If you have a boring marriage of convenience and you definitely want out, would you know how to part ways? Would you be willing to work to part ways in ways that minimize the harm on your children? So those are some questions you could ask yourself.

And I highly, highly recommend booking with Dr. Ed Lock. It's The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason, with neither of you sacrificing yourselves. That's what we mean by self. You hold on to yourself selfishly, and you could get it at Amazon.com or you could go to selfishromance.com just as it sounds. And you can consider talking with Kay, coming clean with her; that may help. So that's a lot, and I hope that helps.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner.

I'm sorry, I'm just getting fed up with this nonsense. I’m getting names all the time; even last week, twice, I forgot where I parked my car.

Join the club, pal.

You're getting older.

Oh well, of course, I'm getting older. We're all getting older, but I'm not that old.

And are you saying that to yourself? Are you in a situation or a time in your life when you're just saying, "Oh my God, I used to remember people's names better. I used to remember where I put the keys, or where did I put my eyeglasses again, or the scene of the idea of where did I park the car?" I think we've all been there, no matter what age. You know, you go to a big parking lot: Where did I park it? I wish I had noted it. Oh my God. Did someone steal it? Where is it? And you look around, you get really anxious. And then what do you know? Then you find it, and you say, "Oh, oh yeah, here it is."

So if you're very forgetful, is it just because you're anxious about being forgetful? I know people who struggle a lot. They feel they're older, or they're dealing with a parent who has dementia or Alzheimer's, and so they forget their keys, and they say, "Oh my God, is this my the first sign of Alzheimer's or dementia?" and they torture themselves needlessly.

And I have heard that so many times in therapy. I'm Dr. Ellen Kenner, a clinical psychologist. I have promised myself, and I do this: When I lose anything or forget a name, I say, "Oh, it's what everybody does. It's just normal," so I normalize it, and I don't catastrophize. Now, that's not to brush aside really significant symptoms. If you can't remember your kid's name or your own birth date, then you definitely want to make, you know, get a medical checkup and figure out what's going on there. But just the regular forgetting? Let it go; it's not a big deal.

For more, Dr. Kenner podcast, go to Dr. Kenner.com, and please listen to this. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Dr. Ellen Kenner.

Emotions vary, not only in type but also in intensity, from mild anxiety to severe panic attacks, from mildly sad to seriously depressed, from mildly happy to exuberant. Hormones aside, the intensity of your emotions depends on the importance of the value at stake. If you are feeling a powerful emotion, the intensity indicates this is really important to me. If you sense that your emotion is too intense for the situation, ask yourself, what mistaken interpretation am I making here? Did you blow your top when your partner was 10 minutes late? You initially may be thinking, if my partner is late, it means the whole evening will be ruined, or my partner doesn't care about me. Then do a reality check: Is this really true? Is anger the appropriate response? Even if it is true, you can download chapter one for free at Dr. Kenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.