The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Here is an email I have from someone who needs to be able to speak up a little more on the home front in her marriage.

Dear Dr. Kenner,

I have been with my current boyfriend for 10 years, but I always think of my first boyfriend, and I miss him terribly. We broke up 15 years ago, and I still love him. I don't know why we broke up, except that I was four years older, and that may have bothered him. He took a vacation with his mother for his birthday, and when he returned, he told me that we should just be friends. I was extremely crushed. He was my everything. He never disrespected me like my current boyfriend does. I just don't know why he broke up with me, and I wonder if we'll ever have a chance again. How do I help myself deal with my longings?

Thanks,
Beth.

Beth, you are in a relationship that you don't enjoy; your boyfriend of 10 years is disrespectful to you and has been, my guess, for a long time. Otherwise, you wouldn't be longing for an ex if your current boyfriend were fulfilling your needs. Now I know in long-term relationships, it's not easy to keep the energy up and to keep the motivation and that spark alive, but something's wrong in your relationship, and you're leaning back on a contrast to your first love. So let's talk about that.

I think the most important thing is the fact that your current boyfriend is disrespectful. Ten years in a relationship, and the question to ask yourself is, "Hey, why am I staying in an unsatisfactory relationship?" And why are you staying in it when you know what a better relationship feels like—your first love? So a tip: you do have the right to work on the relationship or to leave the relationship if you feel that you're chronically disrespected, if you feel that you're not visible, you're not cared for. And if you want to work with your partner, you could. If you think it's over, and this is why you're reaching out to me, then you can read. I wrote a book with Dr. Ed Locke. It's The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. In the appendix, we talk about how to part ways and start over if you cease being soul mates.

Now, what would keep anybody in a bad relationship? Well, one would be guilt. You know, we committed to one another, and so we're stuck. It's like being committed to a prison sentence, and that's not a good relationship. You may be afraid of hurting your partner's feelings, or you yourself may be afraid of change. It may put too much stress on you, or many people are afraid of being alone or afraid—in this climate, they're afraid of financial problems, or you may feel like, "Well, I'm so connected with his family, and we have joint friends, and I don't want to leave the relationship."

Another reason is that you could have some very warm memories with him, even though you think he disrespects you, and so you're very confused. You want to take a very close look at your current relationship. You're not married, and you've been together for 10 years, so that's another question mark. And give yourself permission to leave if it's not working out, but obviously, give it some thought. Again, in the appendix to our book, we have a very thoughtful way of looking at how to part ways if things are not working out. You can go to Amazon.com to get our book.

Now, a word on your first love. I think it's absolutely phenomenal that your first experience was so wonderful, and you want to realize that because you were able to have a very good relationship with him before his mother took him on his birthday vacation, and he broke up with you after that, because you were capable of having that, know that it's within you to be able to achieve that again—maybe not with your current partner, but with another person. And so you can keep that as a point of hope.

You have questions. When anyone leaves you or me or any of us abruptly, we're left with questions. Why did his mother tell him I was too old? Was it something else about me? Am I not good enough? Sometimes those questions can be haunting. Beth, you want to value yourself, and you want to figure out how not to beat up on yourself because those questions are unanswered. If you decide to leave, you can go into therapy if that helps and get some support. And you know, if you decide to leave your current partner, you can certainly do that. You can always Google your old boyfriend. I mean, it's a very long shot. Maybe he's still available and longing for you. It's likely he's married with kids, and men may vaguely remember you, so be prepared for that. But nothing can stop you from searching for love again after you if you decide to leave your current relationship, and you can certainly do that. Our book would help you tremendously.

Again, it's available at Amazon.com. It's by Dr. Ellen Kenner and Dr. Ed Locke, and it's The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason and the self means valuing yourself.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

If you find yourself chronically complaining or moping, work to solve your problems and shift your focus to what's going well in your life. If you can't do it alone, get help. You may legitimately be in a bad mood because of something your romantic partner did or didn't do. If so, clearly name to yourself which of your partner's words or actions are the source of your moodiness so that the two of you can take steps to remedy the situation. The chances for romantic happiness are better if both partners are typically in a good mood. Having a genuinely pleasant, benevolent demeanor makes you obviously more lovable and more joyful to be around.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.