The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

Matt, you're having some difficulty in your marriage. Yes?

Been married for about nine years. I've got two wonderful kids, and a few weeks ago, my wife informed me that essentially, for the past three years, she's either suppressed or she's not been able to disclose a number of feelings, a number of misgivings she's had about me.

Okay, and two areas specifically: one is that I've been too intrusive, too overbearing in her life, okay? And also that she thinks I lack ambition, okay? So my issue is that she's seeking therapy for some issues she feels she has, and I'm trying to figure out what I can do while she's going through this. I love her dearly, and I want the relationship to grow, not just even continuing on the vein, because when you raise kids, obviously there's pressure from that.

Oh, man. This pressure from all aspects of raising kids is… people look at it as, "Oh, isn't that cute? I want to have a kid." And when they realize it's 24/7 and your only break is typically to get your spouse to help you out. So, okay, so what you're saying is, "What can I do?" It sounds like the huge mistake your wife made was to hold in feelings for three years. Because once you hold in feelings, they take on a life of their own, and your own partner becomes your enemy, yes? She looks at you every instance when you say, "Could you do this?" or "Why did you do that?" You become too overbearing, and then her mind is going to collect instances when you're overbearing, and maybe she's not as tuned into instances when you were more gentle. Now, is there some truth in that? Is there some truth that you were too overbearing?

Her first complaint, yes, there is. Part of it, I think, had to do with, for years, she thought she wasn’t as pretty as she is, yeah? And I remember when we first started dating and after we got married, we would go to the store, and I would pick out clothes that showed off her body. And she has a wonderful body, and she has, over the years, realized her beauty. But over time, I think she viewed my taking interest in her fashion as cutting into her independence. I viewed my motivation as wanting to flatter her, and we went overboard.

Typically, from a guy's point of view—I may not be speaking for you, but typically what I hear is that it’s not only to flatter her, but it’s to get turned on, to feel like it’s a win-win situation if the woman feels in the mood. But if she doesn’t feel in the mood, you just become another chore on her to-do list. If she wears the sexy clothes, then it's going to have a wonderful effect on you from your vantage point, but not from hers, and it undermines sex. Clothes become not a neutral choice, even if they’re well-meaning. The key is to have that type of conversation and to openly listen to her without a lot of “Yes, but’s,” but instead with, “Tell me more.” And, “How else did you feel?” and, “When else did you feel this?” Let her start to get out that three years' worth of pain that she's held.

Now, beware—you definitely need… Hey, I gotta interrupt this because we’ve got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back.

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh, The Selfish Path to Romance. That is interesting.

So, let her start to get out that three years' worth of pain that she’s held. Now, beware—you definitely need to put on a seat belt, yes, because, and you need to put a very sweet Band-Aid over your mouth too because it is so easy to jump in with, “Yes, but you don’t understand.” Or, “No, I wasn’t doing it like that.” Or, “You got me all wrong.” You know, we want to defend ourselves, but we’re in a much more powerful position if we actively listen to what our partner says.

For example, my husband, at one point several years back, told me that I just seemed to have become more nagging towards him. And the painful truth was that it rang true to me. It was a real awakening for me. So, I listened to him, I said, “Could you give me some examples of it?” And then I started catching my own examples. It was like, “Oh my god, I just told you, couldn’t you have parked a little bit further away from that other car so it’d be easier for me to open the door?” And I thought, “I’m nagging him. Did I really need to say that?” I can get out.

One of the ways you can look at marriage is as an opportunity for two people to grow together. I grew tremendously by learning about that character trait in myself that I didn’t love. And you can do that for yourself too, if you’ve been too overbearing. Listen to her and learn, and use it selfishly to change something in yourself that makes you a better partner for your wife or anyone—assuming you're staying married, for your wife. And the second thing she said: “You lack ambition.” Is there any truth to that?

No, I think she’s confusing ambition with assertiveness. I am very ambitious. I’ve admitted to her and others that, at times, for various reasons, I haven’t communicated what I need to communicate at the right time.

Okay, can you give me a safe example? We don’t have to go into sex here, but a safe example.

With respect to my professional career, given that I’ve had two kids and they’re both very young, I’ve kind of weighed the context of whether I should approach the company about monetary issues or responsibility issues. I work from home, and that’s been both a blessing and a burden. I’m in a position now to work outside, but I’ve kind of held back from some positions I should have taken, probably, and that’s frustrated my wife because she sees me kind of mired in the mud rather than advancing my career.

Okay, so she would need to learn how to be lovingly supportive and be a good listener for you. If she were a good, almost canvas for you to paint your thoughts on, she might hear you say, “You know, I’m afraid to take this job because I want to be around for the kids and to help you out, and yet, I’d also like to take this job.” She would just be there to help you think it through without her doing the thinking for you.

That’s another area of listening skills that can help a partner. I know a lot of times when I’ve come in and said to my husband, “What do you think I should do?” Part of me wants him to tell me what to do, and another part of me just loves the way he handles it. Both of us have learned this skill over time; we didn’t have this when we first got married. But what we learned to do was just what’s called active listening. “What are your thoughts about it, honey?” And, “What else have you thought about?” and “What are your reasons for wanting to do it?” and, “What are your reasons for not wanting to do it?” You help guide the thinking, but you don’t do the thinking for the other person.

So, listen, and I hope that helps. You can get my book, The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. We talk about conflict resolution; we talk about how to keep a marriage going over many years, which is what you’re trying to do. Thank you so very much for the call, Matt, and I wish you the best.

Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner:

"Stay with all of us and enjoy the party. You have been talking to father." "Your father would like me to be composed and to join in the conversation?" "Yes, I can’t out of any… Oh dear." "Perhaps you don’t try sufficiently." "Oh, I do. There’s nothing that means more to me than that. I have sat here in my room and made notes of the things I should say and how I should say them. But when I am in company, it seems that no one could want to listen to me."

And that is an amazing story. The story is The Heiress, and she’s trying to please her father. She’s trying to say what other people want her to say. She’s trying to compose the right things to say. And she is at war with herself because she doesn’t enjoy this. She doesn’t want to force herself into a mold that isn’t her. Are you doing that to yourself in some form, in your own life? If you are, you want to think again. You want to figure out how to rescue yourself, how to be true to yourself. It’s one of the hardest things that any of us can do. And when we earn our own self-respect, when we have integrity, it is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. That’s one of the things we work towards on my show, The Rational Basis of Happiness.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to drkenner.com and please listen to this next one.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner:

Emotions can be understood consciously, but only through introspection. By focusing inward on our own mental contents and processes, subconscious thoughts can be brought into awareness. For example, Bill thinks, “Aaron’s flirting with my wife, and I’m feeling fear.” Why? “I’m worried she’ll divorce me.” If Bill had more self-confidence, his reaction might be quite different, such as, “I like that my wife is attractive, and she’s probably enjoying the attention from Aaron, but that’s no threat to me, because we deeply value one another and feel worthy of each other’s love.” Introspection is a learned skill. Without it, you’re doomed to feel at the mercy of mysterious, ever-changing emotions. But with practice, you can become very good at it.

You can download chapter one for free by going to drkenner.com and you can buy the book at amazon.com.