The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com. Imagine that your own sister comes home and she says, "Hey, I’m in love with someone. And guess what? He's 20 years older than me." So let's take it from there. Hi, Dr. Kenner, my 30-year-old sister Jody is in a new relationship with a 50-year-old guy, Martin, who was recently divorced. Jody is head over heels, but I sensed a bad vibe when he was obnoxious to me. I've tried to tell my sister many times, but she's refused to listen to me. She sees me as her baby sister since she's three years older than me. How do I get her to listen to me and come to her senses and dump Martin for someone better? Thanks, Sarah.

So, Sarah, this is absolutely no easy problem that you've given yourself. I can recall when my grown kids were dating individuals who my husband and I thought were not the perfect match for them, not even good matches for them. And even with all my skills and experience, I knew that my kids had to see the problem firsthand, and that also they didn't want mom or dad to tell them that they were making a bad choice. And it was very hard for me to stay quiet. What I think I did well, and what my hubby did well, was that we were very good listeners. Rather than advice-giving, we didn't pour advice on them. Now, that's not saying we didn't slip up at times, but for the most part, they were able to let down their hair and share the difficulties that they saw firsthand in their partners and come to their own conclusions. So we were a sounding board for them. So eventually, they did leave the partners of their own accord, and they didn't feel that I or my hubby challenged their choice-making or their autonomy, their independence, and both of them ended up choosing very lovely partners down the road.

Now, I want to add something in here. Our listening wasn't just passive listening. When you go, "Aha, aha, I see that's very good," I mean, I'd love to have a good listener who will indicate that they're tracking and they're listening to what I'm saying and making eye contact. Another part of listening is active listening, where you ask a gentle, guiding question that will help them explore, maybe even privately, the facts of their relationship. So partly, take the pressure off yourself. You don't have to shake up your sister, Jody, you know. Okay, this guy you're dating is divorced. He's 20 years older than you; that's going to be nuts. What are you thinking? You know that's not going to work. This requires that you reach her mind. So how do you reach her mind? If you go the other route and you try to force her to change her mind, you may not stop her relationship with this older guy, Martin, but you're definitely going to put your relationship with her on the chopping block.

So how do you reach her mind? You need to get rid of what are called "Yes, buts." Yes, I know you love him, but he's a jerk. Did you hear what he did to me? That's not going to work because she's going to say, "That's just my sister, Sarah. She's just jealous of me," or "She doesn't understand," and she'll just dismiss you out of hand. So sometimes a sibling or a parent is not the best person to get this information from. She might be able to use someone else in her life. I know sometimes my sister was able to connect with my kids when I knew that I wouldn't be able to. So maybe a therapist or a person more distant from her may have more influence because of that sibling complication. A therapist or somebody else may be able to have her consider the following:

Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. 30 seconds, that's it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back. Romance.

I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at amazon.com. Huh? The Selfish Path to Romance? That is interesting.

A therapist or somebody else may be able to have her consider the following: "You know, Jody, I'm wondering if you've thought about the rebound effect. Martin's just gotten out of a divorce, and men are often more comfortable jumping into a new relationship quickly. I'm just a bit concerned, and I don't know if this has crossed your mind, that he may be taking up with someone younger, yourself, to show himself. And maybe even to his ex, because those games do go on, that he's still lovable."

Another thing that a therapist or another person that isn't a sibling might bring up to her is, "You know, if you ask yourself, why did he get divorced? Do you know the details or just his side of the story? You know? Does he have kids? Did he have some alcohol problems? Are there financial issues? Does he have anger management problems or something else, even apart from the age gap, which we'll get to? And what is his relationship with his ex? Is that going to be a thorn in your side, or will it be hunky-dory?" Rarely is another question that a therapist could ask: "What are the reasons for your attraction to him? You know, what is it that you're liking about him? Is it a lifestyle that he could offer? Maybe he's got more financial ability to give you a better lifestyle, or is he a potential soulmate?"

And a therapist could also ask her, "What are your own red flags? You've got Martin here, who's 50 years old; Jody, you're 30 years old. What are your own red flags? What moments have you had, private moments, where you've just said, 'Ooh, I wonder if I'm getting into something that's not good'? And you don't need to share it with me. That's something privately to think about for yourself."

And then you get to the age gap. A therapist can say, "Does it matter to you? Have you given it thought? You're from different generations; you might like different music; you might wear different clothes. You know, he may be a hippie. You know, for my generation, he might be a hippie and you dress punk, or he may dress punk and you dress whatever the current fad is. And so it's really a different culture that you might be entering into. And think about it projecting forward a 28-year age difference. If you're 50 years old and he's 70, or you're 60 and he's 80, you might end up being a caretaker. And I mean, nobody can predict that, but is that okay with you? And you also want to take into consideration the family. Do you want kids? And does he already have kids? And what will, if he has kids, what will the age factor do with the kids for one thing? But also, will there be divorce issues that would really compound the difficulties?

So I want to end by saying I have seen such relationships with big age gaps end up with some success, and others that last for a while and then split up, and others that end quickly. You want to be very good for yourself, and I highly recommend our book, the book I wrote with Dr. Ed Lock, The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. You can get the first chapter for free at DrKenner.com, d r, k, e, n, n, e, r.com, and we talk about relationship trade-offs and relationship breakers, and how to grow together, how to resolve conflicts, and in this case, how to find the right partner. That's very important for more. Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to DrKenner.com, and please listen to this.

Ned. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner.

John was a successful Broadway actor who worked regularly and happily on vacation. He met and fell in love with Sue, who lived in a small town in Oregon. She ran her own business and loved it very much. There followed an intense, long-distance romance that lasted almost a year. Wanting a permanent relationship, Sue ultimately demanded that John quit his New York job and move to the West Coast to live with her. John complained that he could not pursue his acting career in Oregon and refused to give it up. Sue was furious at John's refusal. This conflict ended the relationship. Conventionally, one would call Sue selfish, but observe that her demand was not, in fact, in her actual self-interest, because it destroyed a relationship that she greatly valued.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.