The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at drkenner.com, and I want to turn to the phones right now. Welcome, Randy. Is that your name?

Yes, it is.

You have a question about your boyfriend and porn?

Yes, my boyfriend looks at porn, and we've had this discussion before. I'm not really comfortable with it. I don't like it, and I told him about it, and he told me he would stop. He lied. We're both in the military, and he just left for deployment. I saw that he was looking at it, and I confronted him, and he lied to me. Then I kept going, and he finally told me. I just don't know what to do because it's been an ongoing thing, and I just don't like it. I explained it to him, but he just can't understand it.

What did you tell him?

I just don't like it because it makes me feel really insecure, and the types of things he looks at—none of them have any resemblance to me. It feels like he wants something else, and he tells me it's not that, but it's not making sense to me.

Okay. Partly, it's about deciding if this is a relationship breaker or not, because the key thing is you're feeling insecure. One of the key benefits and wonderful things about a romantic relationship is that you feel loved and cherished. You feel like the most important person in your partner's life, apart from himself. You're the most important social value. And so if you're not feeling that, what is it that he's not doing? I know you're saying he's looking at porn, and it also depends on what type of porn he's looking at. If it's just sensual pictures, people look at those when they go through a museum. I can tell you that I love looking at ballroom dancers who are half-naked doing the samba, salsa, or cha-cha, right? It’s not the nudity per se; it’s the quality of your relationship, what the porn means to both of you, and what type of porn he’s looking at. It might be light porn, just as a turn-on, or it could be porn that disgusts you, making you feel pressured to do what he’s looking at.

It's not about feeling pressured. Okay, it is light, but it just bothers me. I'm not a short girl, and he likes to look at short girls, and it makes me feel like he wants a short girl.

So partly, it’s about you feeling secure that he loves you for who you are and that you feel good about who you are. It’s an awful feeling, whether you're 10 years old or 30, to feel rejected by your partner. There’s nothing you can do about your height. What attracted him to you in the beginning?

We didn't have any issues like that. I don’t feel like he doesn’t love me. I don’t feel like anything’s wrong; it's just that it really bothers me. He tells me he likes who I am and how I am. He's like, "It has nothing to do with you; it’s just something I do." But I can’t understand why you want to look at somebody else, because I don’t do that.

Okay, so you’re not looking at naked men. You’re not looking at other men you work with or anything. So, what does he tell you?

He just says he does it. He's like, "It’s just a thing to do." And I keep telling him, "I don’t understand why you need to do that." It's not like I don’t send him pictures, but if you have pictures of me, why do you need to look at other women?

Okay, so this is a couples issue to work through, because there are often discrepancies in sexual preferences between partners. Differences in how frequently they want sex or intimacy. Couples need to work out something called a "couple style," something that makes both of you feel comfortable. If he continues to look at light porn, since you can't force his mind, you might explore ways to interpret it that don’t affect your self-worth or physical appearance.

Honestly, I have no idea, because I cannot wrap my mind around it.

Okay, let me throw out some possibilities.

[Interrupts] I have to interrupt here, as we need to pay some bills. A very quick ad, and then we'll be right back.

[Ad Segment] "Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where's that ad I saw? Here it is: 'The Selfish Path to Romance,' a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it at Amazon.com. The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting."

[End of Ad Segment]

So let me throw out some possibilities. In your day-to-day life, it’s hard to switch gears quickly and get into a sexy mood, you know, unless you've just met. How long have you been together?

Over a year.

When you’ve been together for over a year, that initial "stars in your eyes" feeling lessens a bit as you deal with day-to-day living. How do you rev up for intimacy? If looking at porn turns him on or could turn you on, you could try it as a couples activity. Maybe not see it as a threat, but as something erotic to enjoy together within your comfort zone. The big thing is that you need to feel good about your own looks, and that’s key.

I’ve written a book with Dr. Ed Locke called The Selfish Path to Romance. It’s about how to love with passion and reason, not in a mean way. We have a whole chapter on sex that you can take a look at. You can go to my website, drkenner.com. Thank you so much for the call, and I wish you the best.

Thank you so much.

You're very welcome.

[Additional Content from Dr. Kenner] You hired a detective. How could you? Okay, I’m sorry. What do we really know about this woman? She makes dad happy. That's all we need to know. Is it? Some people do get married before they know all they should. Remember cousin Donald? He was married two years before he found out his wife used to be a man.

Yes, imagine being married for two years before you find out your wife used to be a man. This is from Frasier, if you didn’t recognize the voices. When your dad's dating again, do you just back off, let him make his own choices, or raise questions with him? Maybe don’t hire a detective, but talk to him about what he knows about her—her attitude toward money, health, fitness, her habits. Are there any deal-breakers like anger management problems, drinking, smoking, or even owning pets you're allergic to?

When dating, you want skills to choose the right partner. If it’s your dad dating, you can raise questions gently, but not grill him. If you’re choosing a partner yourself, I recommend The Selfish Path to Romance, which covers how to find a romantic partner valuing self-respect, esteem, and mutual nurturing. We wrote it to show how both partners can cherish each other without losing themselves in the relationship. You can find it on Amazon or at selfishromance.com, and the first chapter is free.