The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com

Here is a question that I received from Sarah.

Dr. Kenner, I am 56, and my husband is 60. I have a medical condition that prevents any sexual intercourse due to pain. I will not do the "things" he wants for his pleasure. Our marriage is almost over because we do not have intercourse. I do not know what to do.

Sarah, so Sarah, I'm assuming that you've been married for many years, and it sounds like you have not worked out a way together to make sex enjoyable for yourself when you're intimate with your husband, and that's called a couple style. I would say the vast majority of couples have not worked out a couple style, so you've got a lot of company. And of course, after whether you're going through menopause or post-menopause, things can get a little dry. I know this is radio, so I will try to make it a little more vanilla here, but things can get a little drier, and it's hard.

Here's the problem you're facing: if you tell your husband, "I don't want intercourse anymore, I don't want to do anything else," it sounds like sex is over. The problem that you're facing is what, in a book called The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michelle Weiner Davis, is described as an unspoken, unworkable contract that goes something like this: "I expect you to be monogamous, but don't expect me to meet your sexual needs." You can't live under this contract without driving a stake into the heart of your marriage. So that's the point—if you don't want sex or are not willing to compromise, I understand that intercourse is painful. Maybe there are other things you can do that are not just pleasuring him but pleasuring you too.

That might require couples therapy, sex therapy, or counseling together. A lot of couples don't want to put in the effort. And also, if you've been married for a long time, a lot of couples are set in their ways, and there's too much damage done. Sometimes, when women can't have sex or it hurts, they go through the same problem you're describing, which has a technical name, dyspareunia (I'll spell that: d-y-s-p-a-r-e-u-n-i-a). You can look that up, and there's a Mayo Clinic website that talks about medications that can help make sex more comfortable, but that might not necessarily help if it’s a psychological issue.

I want to end by reading something from a book that I thought was a darling book, and I highly recommend it. And guess what? It's not the book that I wrote with my co-author. I'll mention that in a moment, but this is called The Great Sex Secret: What Satisfied Women and Men Know That No One Talks About by Kim Marshall. And surprisingly, Kim is a guy, so I'm going to read just a little bit from this book.

"Hey, I got to interrupt this because we've got to pay some bills. Thirty seconds, that’s it. A very quick ad, and then Alan will be back."

Romance. I wish I knew more about what girls want from a relationship. Well, I wish I knew more about what I want. Where’s that ad I saw? Here it is—The Selfish Path to Romance, a serious romance guidebook. Download chapter one for free at selfishromance.com and buy it on Amazon.com. Hmm, The Selfish Path to Romance—that is interesting.

So I'm going to read just a little bit from this book. He says, "Many women, even some feminists who are highly liberated in other spheres of life, are not comfortable enough with their own sexuality to point out what their partner should do. They’re reluctant to demand equal time in the (I'll make it vanilla) sensuality department, and perhaps most important, they don’t have a clear sense of how mutual pleasure can occur during intercourse." Did you hear that? Mutual pleasure. So I'll continue, "Women who don't communicate their sexual needs are going to have to put up with clueless, unsatisfying lovemaking year after year. After all, a man isn't born knowing how to give pleasure to a woman any more than a woman is born knowing how to cook. Where are men supposed to learn how to sensitively and appropriately (I'll be vanilla here) pleasure you during lovemaking? Certainly not from their tongue-tied fathers, boastful locker room peers, high school health classes, ‘love scenes’ in literature, porn films, orgasm-faking prostitutes, or the vast majority of sex advice material. No, the best place to learn how to make love is with a lover. And is there anything sweeter than a couple safely exploring and learning about sexual pleasure together? This is where the man can get the kind of honest, minute-by-minute feedback that will help him progress from bumbling ignorance to loving proficiency."

So I thought I’d share that with you, and you can also read the book that I wrote with Dr. Ed Locke. We talk about sexuality, and we talk about a lot, but there’s a whole section on sexuality in The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason by Dr. Ed Locke and myself, Ellen Kenner. And that’s at DrKenner.com. So you may still want to break up your marriage if it's too much water over the dam, and you may want out, but if you don’t, and if you want to work together and put a new, wonderful spin on your marriage, maybe you can both read these books and get some new tips.

And here’s a little more from Dr. Kenner,

"What makes you happy? What do you enjoy? And think about the barriers, what gets in the way. Typically, the barriers all fall into one area, and that is sacrifice. It's a philosophy that tells you that you're only good if you sacrifice, and that will get you in a bind that you can't get out of. Because if you’re only good if you sacrifice, anytime you want to do something to make yourself happy, you will feel… fill in the blank: guilty. And anytime you do something for everyone else, you will feel maybe a little bit of good, and then you get this backlash of feeling resentful. You know, why am I doing for everybody else and not for me? It doesn't feel like my life. And really, it's challenging that idea that life is all about sacrifice—not looking at it in the opposite way, that life is 'my way or the highway,' which is the way it’s usually pitched. You're either the good altruist, the selfless person, the doormat that people step on, the do-gooder, or your choice is to be the mean, rotten person who runs roughshod over others and doesn’t give a damn about them—it’s just 'my way or the highway,' and that’s just the way life is. Well, that person doesn’t have self-esteem. Surprisingly, even though they may have power over others and feel that sense of 'I'm better than everyone else,' deep down, they don’t feel that. Deep down, they feel enormously inadequate and insecure, but they usually don’t want to introspect and discover that side of themselves.

So there is a third alternative: You can value yourself and the people you love, and you can have trader relationships. You rub my back, I rub yours, and we feel good. And that’s metaphorically in relationships, that you can feel good with the people you’re with. And the trade doesn’t have to be a material trade—it can be an emotional trade. You have a good friend that you trust, and she or he trusts you, and you have a great relationship. You laugh together, play together, and have a lot of fun."

So that’s what we talk about on this show. It’s, again, the rational basis of happiness. You can go to my website to hear podcasts, and it’s DrKenner.com.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and listen to this.

Here’s an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance by Drs. Kenner and Locke:

What do you do when your partner resists your efforts to resolve conflicts, and what do you do when your differences cannot be resolved? There are two types of resistance: reasonable and unreasonable. Unreasonable resistance involves manufacturing ploys to avoid thinking or evading the subject. "Right? You’re wrong. Period," for example. Judy tells Lance that she does not want him to go hiking. If Lance responds to Judy’s resistance by telling her, "No way am I going to any stupid beach resort like you want," the possibility of conflict resolution has been sabotaged. If you respond with a knee-jerk reaction, becoming angry at your partner's initial resistance, you undercut chances for good conflict resolution and compromise.

Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and buy it on Amazon.com.