The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com.

Here's a question that I received from Anna: "Dear Dr. Kenner, I separated from my husband last year, and I'm looking for a new partner. Two months ago, I fell in love with Frank, who is 23 years older than me. We get on well, and we have feelings for each other, but we don't know if we can cope with the age gap. What do you think? If we really love each other, is it realistic that this relationship can last, or is it better to keep looking? I've also had problems coping with the stress of divorce. My young kids miss their dad during the week, and I feel overwhelmed. Yet, I don't love my husband and can't imagine living with him again. Thank you so much for your advice."

Anna, so Anna, I have three categories of advice to give you, so to speak. The first one is romance. The second one is how to deal with feeling overloaded after separating or being in the process of a divorce, or maybe having divorced—I’m not sure; that’s unclear. And the third is kids, and I think the kids are the most important, so I'm saving the best for last. So there I go. I'm not prioritizing.

First, I'm addressing your first question: romance. Frank may be very good companionship, and it's understandable that all of us want that romance—or most of us, anyway—want that romance and that emotional intimacy, that closeness, that feeling of support in your life. And when you ask yourselves the question, both you and Frank, "Is this something that can last, or should I move on?" you want to first ask, "What are my own motivations? Why do I feel this love towards Frank? What is it about Frank in particular?"

Of course, there are many complications that come with an age discrepancy that large, and we'll talk about those in a second. But first, know yourself. You can go to the book that I wrote with Dr. Edwin Locke: The Selfish Path to Romance. You really want to learn how to introspect. You don't want to just go by gut feelings. You don't want to have a knee-jerk reaction. "Frank is really nice; I don't feel like dating anymore, so what the heck? I'll stay with him." You know, "I got lucky to find him early, and he's stable. He's not like my husband, who wasn't stable," or whatnot.

And I don't know if that's the case, obviously. So you want to pull out your conflicting thoughts about the 23-year age gap. Now again, these are your conflicting thoughts, not your parents' conflicting thoughts, not my conflicting thoughts. I'll give you some categories, but you want to first let yourself focus on the positive aspects of the relationship so you won't be yes-butting yourself when you talk about the negatives. Then bring out your concerns; bring them out in the open. I don't mean tell him, but for yourself first, and if you want to share it with him later, you can, but you know that’s up to you.

So you want to introspect. Why Frank? Why him? Is he, for example—these are just some thoughts, just to stir the pot, so to speak, or to get your thoughts going—is he a parental figure? Is he financial security, maybe for you and your kids? Maybe they didn't have that; maybe that's not the case. Is it the rebound effect that you're going through this very messy period in your life, and you want some comfort and support during a transition period, and Frank is there, and he's just so stable?

It's just wonderful to know that during these transition periods, they're not always the best time to make a decision. You want to let it last a little longer. Is it a substitute? Is Frank a substitute for a romance that you really long for? Sometimes people jump into a relationship because they're afraid of being alone, or they don't like that feeling, and it's understandable, but it may not be the best solution long range. Maybe people have told me they're sick of the dating scene. You know, "I just want to stay with this guy. I hate the dating scene," and that's not a good reason to hang on.

Maybe your ex-husband has moved on, and you're thinking, "I want to move on also. I don't want to be left behind." Or maybe your husband has not moved on; he wants to reconnect with you, and you want to send him a clear message: "I've got Frank in my life now; he's 23 years older. Don't get near us."

There are tons and tons of questions to ask yourself, Anna, and you also want to know something that we emphasize in our book. Again, the book is The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. Selfish means self-esteem, self-valuing. You want to know you get to know a person in layers, so you want to take that into account too.

Also, there are other challenges you can face. There's a social aspect; people can make snide remarks, you know, seeing an age gap. There's the generation gap. You know, what do you share—the same music or clothes? Suppose you know you were in kindergarten maybe when he was graduating from high school. There could be career differences; he's retiring, and you're just starting a career. There could be health issues, especially as you age, and how does it fit in with your kids?

So let's go to the next point, which is overload. Divorce is multifaceted, and it's really a business, and you need to organize it. And I want to just on this point recommend one book: The Divorce Decisions Workbook.

The final point is for kids. You want to get the book Helping Your Child Through Your Divorce. It's a great book, and it really shows that two young kids going through a trauma at this stage in their life—you get pictures, graphic pictures, of what it feels like. That has helped a lot of parents show a lot of empathy, and the book gives tips. There's also the book Dinosaurs Divorce, where you can sit down with kids and help reduce their concerns, like, "Oh my gosh, this is my fault." You know, "Mommy and daddy divorced because I didn't make my bed once or something, and they got angry with me." You have to dispel those concerns.

You need to know how to listen to your kids, and really attending to your kids will build your own self-esteem. So I think even apart from Frank, number one would be the kids.

And here's a little more from Dr. Kenner: what you value in life matters. Is it good for you? If, for example, if you value drinking—you know, overdrinking; I don't mean just socially drinking—and if you value drugging or if you value stealing, is that good for you long range? You can answer that yourself. If you value a particular career and you're able to pursue it, why? Why stand in your own way? Go after that value; pursue it. If there's someone that you adore, assuming that they're not married and it's not very complicated, but you want to have someone in your life that you adore, pursue a good romance, pursue a hobby that you enjoy, and pursue what else you would want to pursue—friendships that you enjoy.

That's what makes life so fulfilling. It's all of those values that you enjoy and your ability to balance them and to make it your life, to really put your stamp on your life. I know my father has always said that he likes to put his own stamp on each day, and by that, he means his own mark on each day, meaning that he wants to make each day interesting in his life, to make it filled with not just the mundane things that you have to do—clean the dishes, go to, you know, do the laundry, go to the dentist or whatnot—but to also have something special in that day.

On whatever scale, it could be just a small walk around the block; it could be planting something in your garden. But to make that day your day.

For more Dr. Kenner podcasts, go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this ad. Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Ellen Kenner and co-author Dr. Edwin Locke.

Here are a few more assertiveness tips that may help you express yourself more effectively. One: pause to let your partner digest what you have said. Give your partner time to think, ask questions, and respond. Do not demand that your partner give you an answer or an apology right then and there. Two: share the airtime. It's not fair to sit down to dinner and expect your partner to listen to your complaints and concerns nonstop for an hour. Remember that both listening and assertiveness should be used by both partners, nor is your partner your therapist. If you feel desperately overburdened with problems, seek professional counseling.

You can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com, and you can buy The Selfish Path to Romance at Amazon.com.