The Rational Basis® of Happiness Podcast

The Selfish Path to Romance. Download chapter one for free at DrKenner.com and Amazon.com.

Pat, welcome to the show.

Hi, hi,

tell me your situation.

Well, I'm the receiver of a ring from a married man who I've had a relationship with since 1974.

It's been an on and off relationship. Yes, and what does the ring represent if he's a married man? Well,

he says that I deserve it. He felt that,

is it a diamond ring? Yeah,

it's got three diamonds. Okay? He's flying, you know, he's spending more time with me. He's

still married, yeah,

he's still married.

And how much time is he spending with you?

Well, he's flying into the he's gonna stay on Friday. Okay, so

he's out of state. Yeah, he's out of

state. But I've been out of state for the last almost 20 years, and he in my hometown. I go home. I'm used to building someone. Okay.

In your question,

my question is, do you think that he's been talking about leaving? Do you think that he's serious

about leaving his wife? Yeah. What evidence? I don't I would not know you're the one that holds all the evidence. What evidence do you have that a man that you've had an on and off relationship with for 30 years, who has been deceitful to his wife for how many years,

as long as they've been married for

30 years? Who has that capacity to live a double life? Do you think he had Do you think he's now serious with you and that he would leave her, and do you think he's a good partner for you long term?

I think he will be a good partner long term. And I know that he's not happy with her. I know I've been known there when we first got together. I quit him. Oh,

I didn't hear that.

I quit him. He didn't quit me.

Okay, you left him. Why did? What made you leave him in 19, when you first got together?

Because I felt like I haven't gone two years as a married man, and that I don't need to be going with the married okay? And he was extremely upset. And then years later, he told me, he gave me indications that he was thinking about leaving her then, and he said I had no children. I'd only been married five years.

Who's he? Oh, he had no children. No.

He had no children. Were the first two years we went together, okay? And he knew that I didn't date married men. When we went together, we first started going together, and he knew what. He knew that I did not date married men. Okay,

so you made an exception for him. Yeah. What did he trick you into it? Did you think he was met? Did you know he was married when you first started dating him? Yes,

I knew he was married. Okay,

here you're asking. I guess there are a couple of questions that you want to give yourself a lot of time to think about Pat. One is the question that you have. Will he leave his wife? Is he finally reaching the breaking point, the tipping point where he wants to be with you? That's the best case scenario. And here's the best case scenario, he loves you. He has always loved you. You're the love of his life. But he's been trapped in a relationship with a woman he didn't have the courage to leave her, or he felt guilty, whatever his reasons, he did not leave her, maybe family considerations, I don't know, but now, 30 years later, he's reconsidering it. He's sick and tired of her, he wants to leave her, and he gives you a ring, and he tells you you deserve it, and he's considering leaving her. That would be the best case scenario where you've got a good man who just didn't have the courage to leave, right? Yeah,

that sounds exactly like you.

Okay? You also need to entertain that there's another possibility, if you're asking, if you're exploring this and doing the detective work, another possibility, not the best case scenario, but the worst case scenario is what he

does leave and I'm left.

I guess no one did you. Married. Did

you date anybody else during this period?

Yes. So the hero, we were broken up. Okay?

Did you marry at all?

I was married before

I got married, but you never married again during the 30 years you have been married, I never married again, but you haven't robbed. I was asked by

this lawyer I used to go with, and I told him, No, I was asked at 50 I'm 61.

Okay, you're 61 years old. He's how old ballpark.

He's the same age as me. Okay,

if what prevents you from asking him the questions you're doing detective work you want to find out. What evidence do I have that he's leaving his wife? What prevents you from asking him? Oh,

I did. Let me see about

about two weeks ago, a week and a half or two weeks ago, I did ask him, and he said this was just after he said that he's going to discuss it with her. And he said it's disagreeable if he would leave, but if she is this going to be a really big knock down, drag out. He don't know if he

was so there's a lot of money involved. Are the young kids involved at his age,

they only have one child. How old? She's in medical school. She's about maybe 20. Okay,

but his wife wants to take him to the cleaners. Is that it? He

says that if it turns out like that, he don't know if he would leave if it turns real nasty.

Okay, see, so he is giving you the data. They only

have one house, but it's a beautiful house,

so there's a lot at stake for him to connect with you as a romantic partner. He may lose his house. He may lose a lot of his income that he saved over the years. He may lose his daughter. His daughter may be very upset if she ever discovers the affair, and the wife may find out about the affair. So the you know, what may hit the you know what,

I think, what he says that she knows there's nothing there.

She knows there's nothing in the relationship has and she may have had an affair too. Listen, let me sum up, because I

don't think she's ever had an affair. Yeah, let me sum

up. He's he if someone gave me a diamond ring and said you deserve it to me in the same if I were in the same situation as you, I don't know whether they're just paying me off. They feel guilty because they've been stringing me along for so long, and may string me along even may string me along even more. So they give me the ring. It look kind of like a consolation prize. It could mean that, or it could mean that he does want to leave, but it's a long road ahead of you because you've got the divorce so you want to decide whether it's worth wrapping your whole romantic life around a man who's not been there completely for you. Thank you very much for the call.

Thank you. I appreciate it for

more. Dr. Kenner podcast. Go to DrKenner.com and please listen to this net.

Here's an excerpt from The Selfish Path to Romance, the serious romance guidebook by clinical psychologist Dr. Kenner ang lock.

Here are a few assertiveness tips that may help you express yourself more effectively. One, be as clear as possible when expressing your viewpoint. Give a specific example which helps your partner much more than using global language, such as you always or you never. Mentally paint a picture of what you experience, such as, I was waiting at the restaurant for an hour when you didn't show up a call. I felt abandoned, angry, and embarrassed. Your partner can easily visualize this, and you are communicating your message much more skillfully. Two, get to the point quickly. Your partner will appreciate your directness, and you will have a better chance of resolving your conflict without further misunderstanding or harm. You

can download chapter one for free by going to DrKenner.com and you can buy the book at Amazon.com.